...Just Me...

Things I Love

2009-09-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to make it bigger!!

cancer

2009-07-17T17:05:00.000-07:00

Cancer.

Raging through the body

Having no mercy

No shame

Taking all it can

Living unseen

Leaving a path of destruction

Fighting a battle

Good against evil

Where does it stop?

When is it content?

Not until the end.

Not until it’s taken everything you have.

Your hopes

Your dreams

Your life

Scattering them all like ashes in the wind

But it’s not over

This body is temporary

It can’t touch the soul.

It can’t take your faith.

You will live on

Wide Wide World

2009-07-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

I wanted to be safe

I wanted to get by

I almost lost my edge

I could not fathom why

But You would never let me

Your dangerous side won out

Cause You knew what I wanted

I wanted to get out

----------

It's a wide wide world

And I almost lost You in it

It's a chance to live

But it almost passed me by

It's an open door

To live for something better

Cause You keep leading me

Into the wide wide world

----------

Did Moses want to turn back

After crossing the Red Sea?

I bet that he got nervous

I wish that I could see

Cause I've got the shakes all over

And I want to turn around

But I'm twice as scared of missing

The good that can be found

----------

Cause You are past the borders

Somewhere off the map

Of what feels comfortable

And I am so grateful for that

----------

It's adventure that we want

And it's what we'll finally get

There's nothing safe about You

But sometimes I forget

So lead me into the wide world

Don't let me miss my chance

Cause I'll blink and it'll be over

And I won't pass here again

One More Time

2009-06-27T18:32:00.001-07:00

I was just thinking today about my last outing with my mom. I used to always go grocery shopping with her on Saturday mornings. The last time she's been out of the house (other than to the doctor and Easton's birthday party), was the day after she started her new chemo. We did the usual Walmart shopping that day and ate at Arby's, but we also went a few other places. Nowhere important, just places that the two of us enjoyed going. We went to Half-Price books and Hobby Lobby. Since we got home that day, she's been too tired to leave the house. I miss the days when we would go into a book store and both leave with arms full of books. I loved going to craft stores with her too, even though she always took way longer than I would've liked. If I could have one more outing with her, I wouldn't care how long she took looking at buttons or deciding which color thread matched the best. I wouldn't try to rush her or complain that I was hungry. I just want one more time...

My Rock

2009-06-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little insignificant tonight. I've been looking at photos from a friend's mission trip and just thinking...what am I doing with my life? Have I done anything of importance? Am I really living for God? I want something else. I NEED something more. I don't want to live a mediocre life. I want to live my life without regretting all the wasted time...

It's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. The person God wants me to be. I go through each day worried about the future and all the things that I've got going on. Why can't I just slow down? I need to learn to enjoy what I have right here, right now. I'm so worried about everything changing that I'm not living with what I've got now. Life is going to change. So what? You get over it. You move on. Why do I struggle with that so much these days...

I've been stressing over not having anything or anyone to hold onto once all these changes occur. But then it hit me. I don't need anyone. I've got GOD. What could be better than that? So what if everything else seems to fall apart. He'll still be standing there. He'll still be holding my hand. I don't need anything more....He's my all. He's my Rock. That's never going to change. That's all I need.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14

Holding On

2009-06-06T21:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough day and I can't sleep. I'm still not really sure why I even write these blogs...they make me feel better somehow. I'm kind of in a "I'm losing everyone I care about" mood lately. I really just don't understand life right now or where I'm headed. I watched Cason this morning at my house cause I figured my mom would enjoy seeing him. She did enjoy it, but it just got me to thinking...she will never play with my babies. She'll never see me taking care of mine-feeding them, changing diapers, putting them to sleep...all that good stuff. She won't be there when I have questions about what I should do or what she did with us. I started to wonder if maybe she was thinking the same thing....
Amber fixed my mom's slowly growing hair and did her makeup for Easton's party. Everyone's been saying how she's been looking better lately, and I guess I started to believe it a little. But just getting dressed for the party made her tired today. The party was just next door and she was worn out before we ever got there and had to sit down with me carrying all her tubing. Carrying around an oxygen tank and a vacuum pump isn't the most fun thing in the world....you could see the way everyone looked at her. Staring at how small and frail she is now. How tired she looked. It was weird to see her anywhere but home. All she kept saying was, "When is he gonna open presents?" She just wanted to go home...so I found Amber and told her it was time. He opened them, we left, she went to bed....
Lately I've been having trouble remembering what she was like before she got sick. I see pictures and they don't look like her, but the way she is now isn't her either. I don't know what memory of my mother to try to hold onto. If I can't even remember what she was like before, how am I going to remember everything when she's gone? I'm afraid I'll forget. I'm afraid I won't remember how she moves, how she talks, how she looks. How do you hold onto it all? I've already forgotten how she used to be...I don't want to forget anymore. I don't know how to hold on...
I'm not sure how much time I have left with her. I find myself trying to balance time between a mother that I'm going to lose permanently, and a best friend who's moving half way across the world. I want to spend as much time with each of them as I can...it's just been so hard. I know how much time I have left with one, and the other is unpredictable. I'm not liking so much change....
I've been trying so hard to just trust in God. I know He's got a plan. I know He sees things that I can't and never will. I know all this in my head...it's just hard to see it sometimes when you feel like your whole world is being flipped around. I've given up things and changed what I believe He wanted me to. I'm trying my best and I know that He's blessed me for it. But I still have trouble understanding everything that's going on around me. I know He won't give me more than I can handle...but at the same time I feel like He has. I'm not strong enough on my own. Maybe He's wanting me to depend on Him a little more. I guess I'll just have to keep holding on and wait for this storm to be over.....God, please make it soon.

Lost

2009-02-16T08:27:00.000-08:00

So I'm kinda lost right now... I thought I was getting things pretty planned out. I was getting so excited about the chance to go to tanzania, but I just don't know if I can do it. If I go, those 2 weeks will be amazing I know. But I will never be able to get them back. And I don't know if I'll be able to live with that. I thought the whole point of spacing out the chemo was so she wouldn't be so sick all the time, but she already can't get out of bed. I don't even know if she'll be able to make it to her radiation treatment today. It's really frustrating because I feel like I'm finally getting to the age where we can grow closer, only to realize that may never happen. I guess I just didn't expect it to all go downhill so quickly this time. I'm caught a little off guard. I missed my exit this morning just because I was too busy thinking about giving my passport money back. I don't want to see her go through all this again. She doesn't deserve it. If I go and she doesn't start feeling better, who will do things around the house? No one else is helping now so why would they then. The only way I get them to help is by bribing them or asking them when people are over so that they do it to make themselves look good. Can no one see how selfish they're being? I know they're hurting too, but I don't understand how they can say things and then act the way they do...If you love her you'll help. Don't say you want to spend more time with her and then never come home. Ugh...

You are my hiding place

2009-01-25T21:51:00.000-08:00

So my last post on this thing was in July...that's a pretty safe bet that no one will check this and read it.

I am frustrated beyond belief right now. I am at the point of tears with no way to hold them back. It's like everything is crumbling around me, but at the same time I know Christ is holding me in His hand. He'll never let me go and I know He has a plan for me, but I really wish I could just figure out what it is. Sometimes I think I know, but I'm never right.

Things with my mom are frustrating...to say the least. It's so hard to know how to feel exactly. You feel sad, but mad. Alone, yet blessed. Selfish, but oh so confused. Tired of waiting, and sick of watching it all slowly unfold. People who haven't been there don't know how to talk to you about it, and that's not there fault. But at the same time you just feel like it would be so much better to just have one person, just one, who kind of gets it. I mean cancer in a way is a blessing. Better than dying unexpectedly in a car crash. You have the time to say goodbye. But is any amount of time ever enough? Either way you are still going to have regrets of how time was spent. With her it's difficult to spend time together. You want alone time, you want memories to hold on to. But she works all day, comes home and does a few things around the house, then goes to bed super early. After her day she is drained. So really there is no time during the week. You want to talk and ask questions about things you don't know...but you don't want to ask them awkwardly like "Hey, you won't be here to tell me later so tell me now." You don't know how to talk, how to share, how to feel.
It's easy to get frustrated when friends talk about getting married or wanting to have kids when you know she won't be there to tell you how her pregnancies were, or how it was when she got married young. What it was like raising 6 kids and how she made it through. When you know she won't be there to make baby blankets for your children, or those goofy towel things that go on the refrigerator handles. I think it makes it harder when everyone tells you that you look like her or that you're like her in a lot of ways. I'm not trying to be proud or selfish or whatever, but I am more like her than anyone else. I look the most like her, I act the most like her, I think like her, I enjoy a lot of the same things she does. In fact, I wish I was even more like her. I want to learn more things from her, to find out more things about her life. But how do you ask? How do you ask her to teach you something when she knows you're only asking cause she's dying.
I want her to be a grandma for my kids. I want them to get to know her the way I know her.

Things just don't seem right. I've been doing pretty good, reading my bible everyday. I let go of my missions dream because I thought maybe I only wanted what someone else had. I wanted to be too much like them because of how wonderful their life seemed to be. But then today, hearing about a trip just felt like a tug at me heart. But I think I'm just mistaken. I can't be cut out for it. No one would support it anyway. And if I plan it and she goes downhill...I can't have that. Maybe it will always be just a dream...just something I'll hear stories about.

Then of course there's the boy. Sometimes I can't see myself ever being away from him...but some days I don't even know who he is. He just seems to get mad at me so easily, I don't know how to stay on his good side. He says he doesn't feel close to me anymore, and maybe he's right. He complains that I don't kiss him enough, we don't have enough couple time, and that he just doesn't feel like I really care about him sometimes. I don't know what he wants from me. I ask him and he doesn't know. Well if he doesn't, then how am I supposed to? I give him my reasons for the things I do but they are never good enough. I don't want to mess up again...but he doesn't seem to understand. He never seems to understand my feelings on anything. Not until way after the fact and we get in a fight. I want him to be a better christian so he can be the spiritual leader in the relationship, but he doesn't understand why it's the guys job. Some days I think that maybe he's not right for me...but I don't see anyone else out there who would be. But I need him. When she's gone, I'll need him and his family more than ever. It's not that I don't love him, I just wish he didn't get so mad at me. I just wish he would try to understand more sometimes. But other times he is wonderful, and I couldn't love him more. So I guess no relationship is perfect. I love him and we'll work out all the rest....I just wish he would support me in whatever I want to do. That's what I'm trying to do for him...I just want the same thing in return.

"You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble, and surround me with songs of deliverance."
-Psalm 32:7

Brokenhearted

2008-07-07T21:29:00.001-07:00

Wow it's been a looooong time! I forgot I even had this thing!

So life has been pretty good. At the beginning of the summer I started a Beth Moore bible study called Breaking Free with my amazing friend, Darbi. I must admit that at the beginning it was really tough to get into it because each day takes atleast 30 min. I wasn't used to spending that much time with God as sad as that sounds...but after the first few days I really began to enjoy it and I feel like I've grown so much closer to God. You always hear that you need to read your Bible daily, and I've tried it but it's hard to find time. But I never knew just how big of a difference spending time with God everyday would make. He's amazing! I'm now beginning week 5 of the study and although somedays are hard to get through, I usually am excited about what I'm going to learn that day..I've never really been like that before! Well today's lesson was about mending broken hearts. "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted"-Isaiah 61:1. Just about everyone has had their heart broken in some way...and it is more painful than anyone can possibly describe. This lesson was a tough one because it's so hard to completely turn your heart over to God and let Him fix it...we just want to hold onto it and try to fix it ourselves. But the part of the lesson that was so amazing to me (Darbi pointed it out) is that when God applies pressure to our bleeding heart, the pain gets even worse. But then the bleeding stops. I thought I had turned my heart over to God, but during this lesson the pain in my heart was so bad I thought it was breaking again. Maybe that is God applying the pressure...or maybe I haven't fully given Him every piece of my heart yet. Either way, I know that for my broken heart to be healed, I have to give God all the pieces and trust that He will put it back together again and have it in better shape than I ever did on my own. God is so amazing....I don't know how I went so long just living to typical Christian life of going to church and that was it. God gave me life, so I am going to give my life back to Him. Sometimes it's hard to trust Him with it because, as humans, we like to be in control. But God can run our lives so much better than we can even imagine.

So I'm still pretty nervous about going off to school....but having gone down there twice with some friends and visiting the College Life House I'm less afraid than before. I know that there are some pretty amazing people there who only want to follow God with everything they have. I've seen how much my friends have grown since they've gotten there and I can't wait to grow like that! I already feel like I've learned some things just the two times I've gone there. On Sunday I did something that I would ordinarily never do! When I went to church at Rocky Point the preacher decided that he wasn't supposed to preach that day, so they passed microphones around and had ppl talk about how they'd been blessed. One little girl in the balcony stood up where I couldn't see her and asked for prayers for her mamma because she was having cancer surgery and she didn't know if she would make it. I knew exactly how that little girl felt...and I had this urge to talk with her. But this was the first time I had been to this church and I had no idea who the little girl was and I couldn't even see her. But after a while I decided I wanted to find her. So I asked my friend, Jake, if he knew her cause I wanted to talk to her. He didn't, but during the invitation we went up to the balcony to find her. We did and Jake told her we wanted to pray with her. I talked to her and found out that her mother, Shannon, was about to have her 3rd surgery and she was scared she wouldn't make it. Wow. My mom had 3 surgeries too and I was scared of the same thing. So I did something that I've only done one other time in my life...I prayed out loud! It was just her, Jake, and me (and anyone else who might have heard me), but I was soooo nervous! But I decided that I wouldn't let that stop me because I knew that all this wasn't just a coincidence....so I prayed the saddest excuse for a prayer that anyone has probably ever heard and stumbled over my words a lot! It really was pitiful lol. And the whole way back down the stairs my heart was still pounding...had I made a mistake in doing that? I really thought maybe I had...but then I decided that was just the devil trying to discourage me. I knew in my heart that I had done what God wanted, even if it wasn't the best prayer in the world. Jake knew I was nervous and he prayed with me after that and said that was a pretty cool thing I did. That made me feel a little bit better...God can work through people. I don't know if us going to talk to that girl made any difference in her day at all, but I still did what God asked. And I know I would have regretted it for a long time if I had ignored that feeling I had. I've never had a feeling quite like that! But don't get me wrong, none of what happened was because of me. God did it all. He never ceases to amaze me....

Ok I'm going to bed! Gnight!

Happiness

2008-04-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

What does happiness really consist of? Having everything you want or having everything go your way? Of is it just knowing that in the end, God will be there and everything will work out ok? Sometimes I just can't seem to find the happiness I'm looking for...at times I just feel like even though I know God is there, I can't smile and feel ok and know that it's all alright. I go through times like this a lot, and most of the time I wonder if there's not something wrong with me. No one else seems to go through this quite as often as me. I'm not saying I'm never happy and that I can't see the good in life at times...it's just that most of the time, all I see are the bad things. I've been called pessimistic and told that I'm just one of those people who always see the glass as half empty, but that's not what I want. I want to be like those people who always see the good in life, who always have a reason to celebrate because even though things are bad they know that God is right there by their side. I know that He's here, but sometimes it's just hard to really feel Him. It's like I know it in my head but just can't feel it in my heart sometimes. I look around me and see good things, but my mind just lets the bad outweigh it all. Or I always find a bad side to the good. Why can't I just be happy and satisfied for once in my life? Why can't I just be the daughter and the friend that others need me to be? Why am I constantly focused on the things on my plate right here, right now? Could it be that I've got too many things on my plate? It can't be, because I know others have way more to deal with and think about....but I still feel this weight pushing down on me most of the time and I just can't seem to get rid of it. It really is like the saying, I feel like I've got the world on my shoulders. But more like in my chest...and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon.

trust

2008-02-02T18:31:00.001-08:00

So I'm bored...and just felt like writing. I've been thinking a lot about some things and just wanted to sort through it all I guess. Lately I've been thinking a lot about how quickly things change, or can change. You just never know what is going to happen to you or those around you. I've never thought too much into it before, and honestly it scares me. Things can change in an instant and your whole life can be changed, for the better or for worse. Nothing and no one is safe. Maybe change scares me so much because I've lived in a fairly small town (although it's growing) my entire life. I've lived in the same house and gone to the same school district for 18 years. Change has just never been my thing. It upsets me easily and I guess a lot of people don't understand that. Maybe I'm just emotional...I don't know. Most have been through a lot of changes, but even the small things get me. It's a little frustrating at times. I'm realizing everyday just how much closer I am to a lot of things changing and although I'm ready (to an extent), I'm also slightly worried...ok, maybe more than slightly. I'm ready to see what I can do out there away from the things I've been accustomed to my whole life, but I also want everything to stay the same. But then when I think about it not much in my life has been constant except for the fact that I've lived in the same place with the same parents and gone to the same school. Over the years the people I have hung around with have varied, the people I've lived with have changed, and my thoughts about a lot of things have just been altered. In my own personal opinion, I've changed a lot over the past year or two. And at times I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad one. I guess some is good, and some isn't so good. And who knows how I'll change next year...it's just go me to thinking. Next year I'll be with some of my good friends, but I'll also be leaving some others. I know I won't talk to anyone from high school once I'm gone cause I don't talk to any of them outside of school now. All my friends are older than me. But some of them are getting married soon. Others are moving halfway across the world. And if that's not a big change then I don't know what is. Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy for all my friends and anything good they've got going for them...it's just going to be different. And hard. But God has a plan for everything right? And if you try your best to follow Him He will work everything out right? But it still scares me. I'm just not good with change...not good with losing people. But I guess I'm not really losing them, but it still won't be the same. And I know that some people think that I'm not talking to them...and not hanging around them. And I think that they may think it's because I've got a new person in my life that I have been spending a lot of time with. But that's not really the reason. Because honestly, I'm not talking to him either. He gets mad at me too. The real reason, I'm trying to distance myself to make it all easier. I'm not sure if that makes any sense...but to me it does. If I don't get close to people, if I don't let them in, then I can't get hurt. Or atleast it hurts a little less. And maybe that's selfish, now that I think about it I guess it's really selfish, but I don't know what else to do. I'm just trying to make things easier....that's why I'm not letting him in either. Yeah, I still spend a lot of time with him, but I won't talk to him like he wants me to. I'm afraid to let him in because you never know what is going to happen. Things change too quickly in this life. How do I know how long he'll be here? I don't. So I don't want to get too close....and again I feel that I'm being selfish. That's not fair at all. Not to anyone. You know, that's why I like writing these blogs. It helps me to sort through everything. I didn't even think about the fact that I was being selfish until now...but at the same time I still don't want to give in. To anyone. This is pretty frustrating....Idk. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want people to think I'm just pushing them away. I don't want to push them away...but I don't know how else to handle it. I guess this just all has to do with my problem with change. I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that I'm terrified of change. And terrified of getting hurt...but if you don't get too close you can't get hurt. And maybe if I back away now from those I have let in some, then it will hurt atleast a little less. Maybe my thinking process is just all screwed up...hmph. It's just that you never know what can happen. I know I already said this and I think I'm just repeating myself on a lot of things but I'm just thinking and writing down my thoughts so I don't care. How do I know someone around me won't get deathly ill? Won't die in a car wreck? Won't move away? Won't just decide they've got better friends? Won't decide they don't need me? I don't. So it's not safe to get too close. Not for anyone. No one is safe. And who's to say if you do let them in they won't just think you're crazy? Maybe if you let them in they will decide they don't like what they see? Then what have you got? Nothing. Maybe I'm just thinking way too much into everything....but this is what I do. I always go through the "what if's". What if something happens? My mind just wanders too much I guess...but I can't help it. And I'm tired of people making promises they can't keep. Don't tell me always...you can't know that. You can't make that promise. Not one of you. So please don't. It just upsets me more. But then again I'm just a little too emotional and too analytical....Maybe what I'm really afraid of is trust. I just don't know how to trust anyone completely...not even my closest of friends. Trust sucks. Hmph. This thinking is getting me nowhere. All it did was make me more frustrated with myself....

catching up

2008-01-13T18:59:00.000-08:00

Wow...so it's been over a month since I've blogged on here! Crazy. Just nothing too exciting to write about I guess...but I guess I can find something to talk about.

Hmm...I'm learning even more each day just how blessed I am when it comes to friends. God has given me some pretty great ones that I know I could count on for just about anything, if only I chose to. Each one is different and amazing in their own way. Yet there are others I wish I could be closer too again....but beggars can't be choosers. It's actually kinda crazy to me because I'm not the type of person who had a lot of friends their whole life. I've always been kind of a loner and kept to myself. Sure, I'd talk to plenty of people at school, but never outside. I never went and hung out with friends like other kids did. Now I find myself surrounded with friends. It's pretty crazy for me to think about. At times I feel like I'm not a good enough friend to them...not like they are to me. I really don't deserve them.

I'm also learning each day just how much I need God. It seems I always put Him to the test and see how far I can push it before something happens. For the first time in my life I went atleast 2 months without talking to Him. It's not that I "wasn't speaking to Him," I just didn't ever talk to Him. I still went to church, I still acted fine, but I quit reading and praying and pretty much just gave it up. I'm still not completely sure why I did. I'm still trying to work through it and figure out what I'm feeling exactly. In a way I feel like I was mad at Him, but at the same time I wasn't. I'm sure that's what people would think and although they would tell me I shouldn't be they would also understand why I would be. But I'm not so sure that's it. I guess that's part of it. I mean I watched my mother grow progressively worse every single day. I honestly don't think any of my friends saw her at her worst. They were never around at that time. And when they were she was sleeping. If they had, they might have been able to atleast get a little grip on what I was feeling. But they didn't, and they can't. Even now. So maybe I was a little mad at God. But maybe it was also that I just felt like I couldn't trust Him anymore. Because at that point I didn't see how things could get better. I couldn't see how anything good would come from it. When you get that low you can't see past tomorrow. I can now, but not then. I just didn't understand how He could allow her to go through that. How He could sit back and watch His child suffer so. But I guess He knows what He's doing huh? Of course he does...but I can't see it, so it's hard to trust Him. I felt like He was letting me down, and He was letting her down. I mean if I love her this much and it kills me to see it, then how can the God of the universe watch His very own creation go through that. But then again He is the God of the universe right? He watched his Son die. Why wouldn't he be able to watch others suffer. Even if He does love them...He can see all the puzzle pieces, I can only see this one. This little one that holds my little world. What do I know? But I still felt let down. I was too hurt to see anything else. So I pushed Him away...just like I do everyone else. And I can say now that that is the dumbest move a person can make. And even though He gave me so many oppurtunities to just stop and let it out and talk to Him, I couldn't. No matter what I did or how bad I felt, I just couldn't bring myself to slow down and do it. Instead I tried to go faster. Tried to make sure I didn't have time to myself to stop and think. If I was alone, I asked someone to go do something. If it was quiet, I turned up the radio. Solitude and quiet I just wouldn't allow. Oh how stupid I was. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't open up to Him..it was like something was holding me down. Putting a hand over my mouth. Making me run faster. And if someone tried to talk to me about it, I quickly changed to subject. I became an expert at escaping. All I can say now is that I'm glad my God is a loving God who forgives no matter what. I'm not saying I'm completely over the feelings I had, because I'm not. But I'm not hiding from God anymore. And I still feel bad because I feel like I'm only surfacing while the weather's good...what happens if it turns stormy again? Will I be able to handle it, or will pull myself away again? I want to say I'm better now and that God and I are closer than ever, but that would be a lie. I want that to be true, but at this point it's not. But I'm working my way in that direction. I'm talking to Him. And just doing that feels so good. It's indescribable, but I'm still not satisfied. Things aren't back to normal, and even if they were I still wouldn't be happy. Because I want things to be better than good. I want to be able to lean on God and trust Him no matter what may be thrown my way. I want to be able to follow Him without thinking twice and be happy about what He's accomplishing through me. Now that might not ever happen, but it's a goal. And with God anything is possible right?

Ok, so a blog just to catch up because I haven't written in a while turned into me spilling my guts to the world (or just the few who actually read my blog). Not what I intended on writing about but....oh well? I could copy it to myspace and make it private...but then I just make friends mad and I just finished saying how blessed I am to have them right? So let's not tick them off....

new body

2007-12-03T17:24:00.000-08:00

Can I get you anything else? A new body...I wish I could give her that. I wish I could do something to ease her pain. Anything. But I can't. I'd give anything to be able to. And when she asks for that so seriously, no hint of joking in her face. Not in her eyes...because they are closed. Too heavy to even hold open. And she asks for water...she takes a long time drinking it. I thought that would mean she was actually doing better and holding it down. Usually she can only drink a few sips...but then she gives it back to me. It looks as if she drank two drops. How can a person survive on that. Drops of water and the miniscule amount of boost that stays in her stomach after she throws it up even after putting it through the feeding tube. I just don't get it. But it should be uphill from here right? Right......

Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T20:29:00.001-08:00

So today was Thanksgiving...but this one was different. The smell of food makes my mom sick and she can't eat so we didn't do anything here. I went to Josh's and it was pretty good...just not what I wanted. Brent and I stayed the night there last night and went with Matt to his aunt's house for breakfast in Coppell. It was alright but we didn't know anyone there. Josh had to work till about 2. So there were only 4 of us kids there for dinner...we were missing 6 people. It's not really Thanksgiving without family. But I guess it was better than nothing. I can't complain.
It makes me worried about Christmas. Mom should be done with treatments by then but they said it can still affect her for a good while after. She asked Sheri to take her to Kohls in the morning for some big sale...but I don't know how much she'll be able to take. My mom said she will be doing a lot of catalog shopping this year. It's tradition for us to put up our tree the day after Thanksgiving...but we can't because the smell would make her sick. That means no tree, no decorating, no cheese balls and punch. Traditions...Hmph. Well I made it through one holiday...I guess I can make it through another. But this one's over and I'm going to bed cause I have a tournament tomorrow! Bah.

Dreading Each Day

2007-11-13T20:26:00.000-08:00

Geeze it's been a while. Just so busy I guess.
So some things are going better lately. Things with friends are better. I've gotten closer to some and fixed things between others. And still others are complicated and frustrating. But overall...they're ok.
The biggest thing right now is stuff with my mom. Whoa. Big shocker. All of it is just so hard. It's hard to watch her everyday. It's hard to see how tired she is and how she can't eat anything and how even when she puts it through her feeding tube she still throws it up. And there's nothing I can do to comfort her or make it better. That's the hardest part. Having to just sit back and watch it all. I can't help her. I can't make things easier for her. She wants to quit. She wants to give it up. And that pains me more than anything. I would hate myself if she quit...of course they won't let her but still. I'm angry at myself just for the fact that she wanted to quit. If I would have just let him sit in the car dirty none of it would have happened. It's just a car. I can clean it later. That's nothing in comparison to the way it made her feel. I did that. I caused it. Just because I was being selfish and stingy.
But at the same time I am angry at her. Maybe that's wrong but I can't help it. How could you want to give up? That's not only giving up on yourself. That's giving up on us. We need you and you can't do that. And I am so mad at you for still working. I never see you. You give work all the energy you have. By the time I get home you are asleep. It's not fair to give them the good part of your day. Give it to us. We are the ones who love you. We are the ones who need you. Not for you to do things or to help us or anything like that. We just need to see you. But I guess that doesn't matter anymore. She hasn't gone to work this week. She's been too sick. I don't know if she'll be able to work anymore...and that's even scarier.
I'm not looking forward to these holidays at all. Sure, I want the time off from school to just relax and do whatever. But I don't want to actual holidays. I don't want Thanksgiving. I don't want Christmas. They won't be holidays. The smell of food makes her sick. How can we have a holiday and have food and be together? She's too sick to go shopping. That means no presents. And it's not the presents that I want. I want the family sitting around the tree together opening gifts and seeing everyone together. But that probably won't happen. And what's even more frustrating is that I can't say "oh well, there's always next year." Yeah there is next year. But this is my last year actually living at home. Sure I'll be back for the holidays but I won't be living here and it just won't be the same. This is the last time while living at home and it's not even going to feel like the holidays. My mom would've already been buying Christmas gifts by now. She would already be wrapping them. She would have candles out that smelled like fall and winter and just make you feel good. But they're not out. Partly because Easton wants to drink them..and partly because the smell would make her sick. Maybe I'm being selfish again. Mabye none of this should matter at all. But it does to me. And I can't help but get mad at all of it. Will she even be able to go on the annual after Christmas trip the family takes? We started that when her own brother was dying from cancer. It was really the last time for all the family to be together with him. It became tradition. But if she doesn't go I'm not either. It just wouldn't be right. I don't want this holiday break. I don't want the next one. I want to skip over them and keep on moving. And then I feel selfish again. Atleast she's still here for these holidays. Ashlie's mom's not. I'm lucky..but yet I feel so unlucky. And feeling this way makes me feel even worse. And I feel bad because she used to get out of bed and yell at me for still being on the computer this late. But she's so tired she doesn't even hear me typing anymore. She never even knows.
So here's the blog you've been waiting for...just one big old pity party. Hmph. I don't like this at all.

Conspiracy

2007-10-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

"Explain to me, this conspiracy against me." Why have these lyrics just popped into my head? And why do they seem to have this truth behind them lately? Things are frustrating me a lot. I just don't understand things. Why people are the way they are. Do you not want anything good for me? Am I not allowed to have any other friends besides you? Even though you really aren't a very good one? And I want to say something to you so badly...but I know that no good would come of it. And I hate how I keep getting blamed for everything. It's not my fault. When he told me did he not expect that things would be a little awkward? Did he think nothing would change? Last time it didn't so much, but that's because he was here and I saw him all the time. This time it's different. He is an hr away and I never see him...so I'm sorry if I don't talk to him as much as I used to. I'm sorry that things change. I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

Someone shoot me please. The thing that's saddest to me is that I'm getting so used to disappointment that this didn't bother me quite as much as it would've not long ago. It's like things going wrong is expected. Like that's what I plan on happening everytime something starts out pretty good. I know in the back of my mind that it won't last long and I subconsiously prepare myself for it before it ever happens. I'm not saying it doesn't still suck really bad and that it doesn't bother me at all. Just not as bad as it would have just a couple of months ago. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be.

I was getting over and past a lot of things. I was ok with not really having any friends here because I will be going to Tarleton next yr and I have my friends there. But now I'm not so sure. Do I really have any real friends anywhere? Well I know not in high school. And I know not at Tarleton. But I guess I've got some. Too bad I'll be leaving them next yr...this blows.

I wish that I could say it's ok and everything will turn out fine. But I can't. I thought I had everything planned out for next yr. But I don't. I don't know how things will go. I don't know if things will work. I know they won't if things keep going like this. I can't live with you if you are going to act like this. But honestly, I'm not too worried about that. I can make it on my own. I can live on my own. I've made it this far without you, so what makes you think I need you. I don't. So no, I never said this about him. You read it wrong. But I'm saying it about you now. You are just too full of yourself. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of you thinking everything is about you. It's not. Life's not about you. So get over it.

On a different note....I've been feeling bad about some things lately. Like how I really don't spend that much time with my mom. I mean it's just really hard. I'm always at school or practice or church. And when I'm home all she does is sleep...or watch tv while falling asleep. So I don't know how I can really spend time with her. I hate this. It sucks.

Love (just because I'm being forced)

2007-10-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

I love autumn

I love basketball season and the feelings it brings

I love my mom's cooking

I love Sunday lunches that cook in the oven for hours

I love sleeping in my parent's bed

I love how even though it's no different, it just feels so much better

I love forts made from sheets, chairs, and fans

I love learning how to land your first flip on the trampoline

I love my purple koala bear bicycle

I love electric blankets

I love reading in my bed covered with blankets

I love the smells of fall

I love falling asleep on my mom's lap in the church pew

I love picnics down by the creek

I love walking through open fields

I love thunderstorms (as long as they don't make my house leak)

I love getting rides on the dirtbike out at the farm

I love the toy box at Pappy's house

I love bike rides

I love playing in the rain

I love exploring the creek and catching tiny frogs

I love playing football in the yard with my brothers

I love little neighbor kids that come over just to jump on your trampoline

I love how they were never allowed inside because dad was sleeping

I love playing cops and robbers

I love checking to see if the chickens laid any eggs that day

I love playing school and being the teacher

I love roasting marshmallows

I love baking cookies

I love when everyone comes out for Christmas Eve and stays through Christmas Day

I love decorating the tree

I love eating cheese balls and drinking mom's special punch

I love picking out which gift to open on Christmas Eve

I love getting to lick the bowl

I love watching mom do the twist on the kitchen floor

I love the oldies she always played while sewing

I love cattle sales and the way you always come out smelling worse than the cows

I love Easter at Grannan's house

I love making a pillow wall because you're scared something's going to get you

I love believing that the pillows will actually protect you

I love believing all the crazy things my brothers told me

I love telling my little brother things and him actually believing me

I love singing along to Barney because I still know all the words

I love sitting on the feed car under the shade tree

I love Lion King and Pocahontas shirts

I love running races where everyone has jingle bells on their shoes

I love long hot baths

I love passing out hymnals to the little old ladies at the nursing home

I love how the old ladies think you are the cutest thing they've ever seen

I love quotes that just seem to fit

I love story time at the library

I love VBS

I love the jingle jangle jamboree

I love playing in the little bit of snow we get around here

I love hoodies

I love camping not too far away from my house

I love carrying in my dad's vest for him when he gets home

I love getting his radio for him when he's about to leave

I love singing as loud as I want in the car

I love driving by myself and just listening to the radio

I love songs that remind you of specific times in your life

I love my Christina Aguilera CD

I love old photo albums

I love my mom's teddy bear necklace

I love going to Dairy Twin for ice cream after every basketball game

I love coaches that don't get mad at you

I love Brent biting the dog and getting a mouth full of fur because it bit him first

I love the old farm truck

I love playing hide and seek and never getting found

I love drawing just cause I'm in the mood to

I love coloring books

I love my angel

I love sunflower bear and how someone pulled her out once again

I love my Beauty and the Beast book from Grannan

I love staying at her house and making foil picture things

I love the way she sent me a Valentine

I love cousins who let you play with them even though you're really too young

I love swingsets

I love old houses

I love buying crafts to do together

I love trying to learn how to crochet

I love drawing pictures on fabric and then sewing them

I love wood stoves that heat up entire houses

I love playing on organs and messing with all the different sounds

I love crawling under the house

I love massages

I love going through old things

I love children's choir

I love the smell of the air conditioner when you first turn it on

I love playing on the trampoline with the water hose

I love how I always manage to burn no matter how much sunscreen I have on

I love rocking chairs

I love writing private blogs that no one can read

I love having an older and wiser best friend

I love how she's always there for me

I love Phyllis's cinnamon rolls shaped into Christmas symbols

I love candy cane shakes

I love Heather coming down and calling me first thing to come over

I love doing crafts at Dee's house with her

I love going to girl scout day camp when I'm not even a girl scout

I love Halloween candy

I love coming home and trading what we got

I love arguing over who gets to dye the next Easter egg

I love coloring the face on the pumpkin because mom says it will last longer this way

I love playing gin rummy with Carlos

I love others faces after you do something for them

I love grocery shopping with my mom on Saturdays before everyone else is up

I love how Byron still calls me a boy to this day

I love wearing t-shirts

I love optimistic people trying to change my pessimistic ways

I love people who are just too nice

I love scrapbooks and the memories they bring back

I love taking pictures

I love making Christmas lists of things I know I won't get

I love yummy smelling candles

I love God and how He's always there

I love putting on clothes straight from the dryer

I love the friends who are really there for you

I love watching other people's fireworks from the trampoline

I love the feeling you get during a race

I love knowing you did something right

I love antique shopping

I love that half the things I see I have at my house already

I love Mickey Mud Turtle

I love looking through my mom's things

I love running to mom when I have a nightmare

I love going to her and pretending I had one just so I can sleep in her bed

I love random notes of encouragement

I love Bible verses that hit you right in the head

I love taking naps on Sunday afternoons

I love how this is so long

I love Erika and Darbi for making me do this

I love how this is probably not what they meant

I love how I don't really care!

hate

2007-10-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how many people I hate these days. I know it's not healthy or even right to hate people as much as I do these select few, but I just can't help it. How can you people do the things you do? How could I have been so naive and not seen it before? Why are you tearing things apart? Why are there so few people in this world that I can stand? Seriously...some days I wonder if maybe I'm the one who's got the problem. Because how come I always find things wrong with everyone else. Isn't it more likely that it's just me? Things are just so frustrating right now.

I hate how people tell you they will be there for you and abandon you. Time and time again it happens and time and time again someone is hurt because of it. I hate how all of a sudden when everything comes out I have such a hatred for you and what you did. Look what you did to him. And I honestly see it as your fault. I always wondered what caused it and now I've finally gotten my answer. But now I wish I never knew. I don't want to hate you, but I do. And even more so for everything that you are fixing to cause, whether or not you really planned for it to go this way.

I hate how I'm fine when I don't see you. I hate how I can just look past it and pretend like it's ok and it doesn't matter anymore. And then every single time I see you I feel this hatred grow inside of me. How can I hate someone this much? How could you do what you did? How can you be so selfish and self-centered and such a coward? I hate you so much and I wish I never had to see you again.

I hate how people can be so incredibly selfish. They can see what needs to be done but leave it for someone else. They only want to do it if someone sees that they are. I know I'm not perfect and I like to be praised for what I do, who doesn't? But I do do things sometimes just because I know I should and that it shouldn't matter if anyone notices. Because it shouldn't. But you are too self-centered and lazy to do anything and I hate you for it.

I seem to be on a hate rampage and I know that it's probably wrong to say all of this. But it's honestly how I feel. But I never said that I didn't love some of these people too. Because some of them I do, but I hate them at the same time. Trust me, it's possible. But I'm not finished yet. I'm not done ranting and raving about the things and people that I hate. There's one more person who's yet to make the list.

I hate how frustrated you always get. I hate how you get so angry and you mostly just keep it inside and don't let it out. I hate how it's come to the point that you really don't have anyone you can trust. Only one. I hate how your life seems to be crashing down around you. I hate how you are so weak and you can't go long without crying. I hate that all you do is complain when someone has to have it worse than you. I hate how you can't just figure out what you want to do with your life. I hate how you can't just be satisfied with life. I hate that you feel so alone most of the time. I hate the mistakes you've made and how you really haven't learned much from them. I hate that no matter how hard you try nothing ever goes right in your eyes. I hate how you are starting to just let everything go. I hate that you are so ready to get away yet you are too terrified to leave. But most of all, I hate that no matter what happens, you can never just be happy.

Hmph

2007-10-11T20:25:00.000-07:00

Hmm...it's been a while huh? Just busy I guess...and avoiding sitting down and making myself think about things going on. Cause that's what I do when I sit down to write these blogs, just think about everything that's in my mind but I tend to push to the back sometimes. I just don't want to think too much into things some days. But today I have been, and to be honest a lot of things are scaring me and making me worry about life and the future. There are just too many things that aren't for certain. Too many things that could change in a instant that could turn everything upside down. Too many things that have already turned everything upside down. I don't know what's going to happen in the here and now and in the near future and sometimes I'm just worried that I can't handle it. I'm scared that I won't be able to make it through everything. I mean sure I'll make it through, but will I be who I want to be after the fact? I know that just in this past half a year I have changed a lot. Sometimes I think for the better, other times I'm not so sure. Maybe things would be better as they were before? Or maybe changes are all for the good? Or maybe where I am right now has only been one tiny step on this road of changes? Ok, so anyone who's reading this is probably like huh? and very confused. I think I'm confusing myself. But I guess I do know what I'm saying...maybe. I'm just worried about some things lately. Trying to figure some stuff out. But I guess life is supposed to be confusing right? It's supposed to be hard and unfair and sometimes cruel. It's all just a part of the process of growing up and living life. So I guess I'll get over it? It'll just pass like everything else? I'm waiting to find out.

Give Me Patience

2007-10-02T20:23:00.000-07:00

My mom gets her port and peg tube put in on Monday morning. My dad just called and told me and said that she didn't tell me because she doesn't want anyone to go up there. Only her and my dad. They will put them in and she should be able to come home that day....so I guess that's good. I still don't know when she will start chemo and radiation though.
I wrote a message to Ashlie trying to talk to her about everything. I don't like us not being friends. Other than Darbi, she is the closest friend I have ever had and it sucks to see it end like this. But she hasn't written me anything back yet and I don't know if she will. I hope she does. I want to know if she has anything to say. But atleast this morning she actually talked to me like normal...it's been quite a while since I've even gotten that from her. But I told Mrs. Ross on Monday that I won't be coming to her class anymore. She said that was fine. I just feel like Ashlie isn't coming in there because of me. Because I am too much of an inconvenience to her. I just wish she would write me back and talk to me about it all...but I've done all I can do. I've tried and now I can do nothing but sit back and wait to see if she cares enough about the friendship we had to even respond. I'm happy that she made everything right between her and her other friends. I just want to make sure things are right between us...even if that means she has decided that she just can't handle being my friend. Atleast her telling me that would be something. I'm just trying to be patient. With this and everything else that is going on.

Somedays Just Suck

2007-09-27T19:24:00.001-07:00

My mom had 3 doctors appointments today. She got her stitches removed and then got all of the results about the things they removed. She is going to have radiation and 2 types of chemo for 7 1/2 weeks. Radiation will be five days a week and chemo will be one. She won't start all of it until she goes to see an oral surgeon because the chemo may mess up her teeth if any are brittle. They are going to put in a port for the chemo and and she will also be getting a feeding tube because they think she will lose too much weight. After all of the chemo and radiation are done they will use cyberknife to be sure everything is gone. They said that in that side of your neck and face you have 37 lymph nodes and they removed all of them. 27 were cancerous. They took blood today and did all kinds of things. They have to go to a class about chemo next week sometime and she still has a lot of appointments. My dad said that they basically threw everything at her today and knocked her off her feet. She is really scared, but she doesn't really show it.

I picked up Easton from daycare again today and I have to get him tomorrow also. I didn't go to Brent's game because it would have been too hard with him. My dad went straight to the game because they thought it was only an hour long and had already missed 30 min, but my mom got too tired and I had to go pick her up and help her to the car. Then I went to get pizza for everyone and when I got back Grandma and Pappy were here. They were just stopping through on their way back from San Antonio. My mom is going to try to go to Freaky Friday at school with me tomorrow if she's not too tired. It's a half day but she is going to have my dad go and walk around with Brent so she can leave when she gets too tired. I told her she doesn't have to go but she is going to try anyway since it is my last year. We'll just have to see what happens.

It's amazing how hard it is for me to get over things. I try to not let it bother me and when I don't see them it doesn't. But when I am around them I just can't take it. I feel angry but more than anything just hurt. And it frustrates me so badly that I can't just drop it and forget it like she apparently has. But when I pull in the parking lot in the mornings and they get out and are all matching because we are supposed to dress up for homecoming week, it sucks. I can understand them not including me because I wasn't really close to them anyway. But I included you in everything I did and with my other friends, but yet you leave me out of yours and everything you do. It's frustrating. You talk to me when it's just me and you. But if I'm around you and them I'm completely ignored. That's why I haven't attempted to dress up. That's why you are all at the high school for the senior tradition of beating the drum and staying there all night long and I'm sitting here at home. Because I know that if I went I would be ignored. You would act like I didn't exist. And then I stop at chicken e to get a dr pepper for my mom and your friends happen to be there and I wave and they act like they don't see me. And I hate that I can't just drop this. I hate that it hurts me that badly to see you with them. I hate that I had to leave yearbook and go sit in Coach Groom's empty class with him because I couldn't sit in there and watch the two of you ignore me. And the thing is you don't even seem to care. Why does this get to me so much? When I'm not around you it's just whatever because I don't have to face the fact that you dropped me. But when I'm at school it's shoved in my face daily as soon as I pull up. Man I just want to forget that I ever trusted you or thought that you were a good friend. And the thing is you were. But that's just it. You were a good friend.

So to put things lightly today wasn't such a great day. Everything just seemed to go wrong. I had to run an 800 in athletics and almost died because I am so out of shape. I hate that I've gained so much weight the past few months. I want to lose it so badly. I have seriously put on about 20 lbs since I didn't run track last year. So frustrating. But I guess I've complained and rambled enough for one night huh? I've got to go read some history packet for english anyway..

Farm House

2007-09-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written a blog in a while and I am taking a break from my English paper. Procrastinating actually. My mom came home from the hospital on Thursday and is doing very well. We won't get results from everything they removed until next Thursday...she has to go see 3 different doctors that day. Just more waiting.

Ashlie got baptized this morning. Her family and some of her friends came. I'm really curious to see if she continues to come to church. I really hope she does. It's amazing to me how quickly people stop talking when their old friends take them back. The same ones that ditched her in the first place. It's crazy how easily someone can forgive people who treated them like they were nothing and then turn their back on the one who was there when their "best friends" dropped them. I guess I just don't get the thinking that goes on throughout all of this. But it will be ok. I've got other friends. Maybe I don't see them on a daily basis and I don't go to high school with them, but they are my best friends and I know that they will not completely drop me for friends who ditched them. But I wish you the best of luck if your old friends are what make you happy. I'm sorry I wasn't a good enough friend to you. I thought I was. I tried to be.

I stayed with Coco at her dorm Friday night. We went to the Cross Country meet the next morning and watched Brent run. We ate lunch with Lindsay and then went back to her house and looked at all of her wedding stuff. Then Coco's parents took us to find my grandpa's farm near Hico. It turns out it is about 25 minutes away from Tarleton and my grandpa said that Coco and I can live there while we go to school. He isn't going to charge us rent or utilities or anything. The house needs some fixing up but it is big and sits on 170 acres. We will get to help fix it up and we will have our own house! For free! It has 5 bedrooms, a living room, kitchen, and 1 bath. The bathroom even has a claw foot tub! The place is real old and I love it! We are sooooo excited! We won't have to pay for a dorm or a meal plan since we will have a kitchen. This will make college so much cheaper. But it's kinda scary out there and the rooms are big so we are planning on sharing one room. We can have others live with us but we don't know anyone. My grandpa said no boys so it will just be us girls living in an old farm house in the middle of nowhere! Man I'm excited. I was worried about where I should go to school and everything but it seems like God is paving the way and everything is just falling into place. I am so ready to graduate now! It's crazy because until now I have been afraid to graduate and now I am really excited!

So this is what's going on for now. I guess I should get back to my paper...I've procrastinated long enough!

Surgery

2007-09-17T19:13:00.000-07:00

My mom had her surgery today. It was supposed to be at 10 am but got moved to 2 pm. So we got there about 10:30. As I was walking through the hospital to find my mom's room Ashlie texted me and asked where I was. Wow. You actually noticed I wasn't there? Cause honestly I didn't expect you to. Then when I got to the room there were a TON of people there. And Darbi was there!! Yay! That made me really happy! They took my mom less than 5 minutes after we got there. She looked like she was going to start crying as we hugged her goodbye. Sheri told me I made her cry when I hugged her. We all went to the waiting area and did whatever...some played poker with beans provided by Darbi! Then about 12 they called my dad back there and said they hadn't taken her in for surgery yet so he could go back there with her while she waited. So we all went to eat at Mexican Inn down the street. My dad called me at 1:00 and said they had just taken her in for surgery. Later when we got back it turned out that they didn't actually take her till 1:45. So she spent a LOT of time back there worrying. And we all know she was very worried.

The surgery lasted about 2 hrs and then the doctor came out and talked to my dad. He said that they got all of the cancer out. They removed all of the lymphnodes on that side because they had pretty much grown together with the cancer. The had to take out part of a nerve and then splice it. They removed a jugular vain that had been compressed by the cancer to the size of a pencil and had practically nothing running through it. They also found some cancer in cartlidge in her ear and removed it. They will have to go back in after about 6 weeks and reconstruct it so that it doesn't cave in and she can hear. Overall the surgery went very well. She will be in the hospital for a few days.

They told us that we could go see her in ICU after about an hr and a half. We ended up only having to wait about 45 min. I went in to see her with my dad, Brent, and Jacob. To be perfectly honest....she looked pretty dang bad to me. She had stitches across some of her throat and some on the side of her neck that ran up in front of her ear. She also had 3 drainage tubes protruding from her skin. None of it was covered. Sheri and Josh said that she looked great and that you could tell a plastic surgeon had stitched her up. I guess I'm just not used to seeing things like that. Apparently neither is Jacob or Brent. My dad had tears in his eyes and hugged me. Jacob just stared at her and would never leave the room. Brent started crying as we walked down the hall way and I told him it was ok and hugged him. It looked really bad...but I was ok until they cried. I can usually handle things, until others lose it. You could tell it pained my aunts and grandparents to see her like that too. Sheri said that it will look worse tomorrow because she will be more swollen and will be bruised a lot. But I'm just glad that they got it all out without too much trouble. My dad is on his way home. He was going to stay the night but he called and said my mom woke up and told him to go home and go to sleep. He has been up for a good 30 hrs straight because he had work last night. I hope he doesn't fall asleep on the way!

When I got home Darbi went with me to help deliver all my cookie dough. Rhonda volunteered to take Brent so that we could get it done twice as fast. We started eating the dough that my mom bought while we were driving around! lol. That was my dinner....delicious.

So I did absolutely no homework this weekend. It's not that I have any due tomorrow, but I due have a lot due wednesday and friday and I will be at the hospital a lot. It's going to be pretty tough. Not sure how I'll finish it all. I was already falling asleep on the way home from the hospital. I was there from about 10:30 till 6:30. That's a long time to just sit around. And I tried to read stuff for school but it's hard to concentrate with everyone there. Maybe I'll try to read it before I fall asleep tonight. But it's been a long day. Time to hit the sack.

Days Go By

2007-09-15T20:33:00.000-07:00

Another day is past. I've been thinking and tomorrow is my mom's last normal day for a long time...maybe ever. Who really knows. She asked me today why Ashlie hasn't come back to our house. She thinks it's because of her. She thinks that Ashlie watched her mom die and doesn't want to see it all again. Maybe that's a little true, but I don't really think so.

Today I went with Sheri and my mom to Brent's CC meet at Country Day...but when we got there they had flip flopped the schedule and he had just finished. So we stayed to watch the varsity guys cause I wanted to watch Sabino and I needed to take pictures for yearbook. But that's the only race we watched. Then we got Brent some new running shoes, ate at Taco Bueno, went to Target, and came home. Then I took Brent to Max's birthday party and as I was leaving Josh and Matt pulled up. Then when I got home my aunt Dee had just pulled in. She brought food and Josh and Matt brought gifts from their cruise. He got me some perfume. Then Coco called and told me that Eric said I had no choice and better get over to their house right then. I thought I wasn't invited, that's why I didn't stay, but I guess I was. So I went and hung out with Coco but we weren't there long. Then we went to Ross and Claire's in Mansfield and later ate with her parents in Cedar Hill. Now I'm home.

Coco came over for a little bit last night and we talked for a while. It's amazing that even though I've pretty much lost Ashlie, she's still here for me. I told her that I hadn't even told Ashlie the results from my mom's tests because we never talk and she never asks. The only person who asked was Katie. So we talked about how Ashlie has pretty much dumped me and Coco said that I now I know how she felt. And I know she's right...I had already thought about that actually. I figured it was what I deserved. But she knows that I know I was wrong and that I'm sorry, and she is still here for me. It's actually kind of crazy, but my throat was hurting last night because talking to her was the most I've talked to anyone in a long time. I go through my days at school barely talking to anyone. I talk to Darbi, but never really in person. But the point is, I'm glad to have my old friend back. God has blessed me in that matter. He's given me two great friends, Darbi and Coco. Each one different, each one there for me in different ways.

I'm not going to school on Monday. I'm going to go up to the hospital while my mom has her surgery. I didn't tell anyone at school that I won't be there, not even Ashlie...only the teachers because I had to ask for my work. I didn't bother because no one will care. The ones who do know what's going on. That's all that matters to me anymore.

So after I got finished writing the last blog the other night my dad explained to me everything that is going on with my mom. She will have the surgery monday, she will be in the hospital for a few days, she goes back after 2 weeks to check on things, then 4 weeks later she starts chemo and radiation. The chemo is to make sure that it hasn't spread beyond what they can see. It is the strongest kind they have so she will have to stay hydrated at all times. If she doesn't get enough fluids she will have sudden kidney failure. She will lose some of her hair. It will cause sores in her mouth and she may have trouble eating, but if she loses 12 lbs they will put in a feeding tube. He said she is very scared of that. She said that she doesn't think she can make it through all of this. She told him she's not afraid to die. She knows that she is going to heaven and isn't scared. But she just wants to see her kids graduate. The surgery and the radiation give her 40% chance of a complete cure. Adding the chemo gives her 55%. It's going to be really tough for her. And it worries me that she doesn't think she can make it. Like maybe she will give up the fight. We all just have to encourage her. To help her stay as strong as possible. Everyone who heard that it hadn't spread is congratulating me and is really happy. Yeah, I'm happy it hadn't spread. But it's not all going to be an easy ride from here. It's not like she will have the surgery and that's it. Ther is still a very long road ahead of all of us. But it's not the doctors who can cure her. It's not the doctors who can give her an estimate of how much longer she has. It's God. He's the only one who can cure. He's the only one who knows when she will take her last breath. All we can do is trust Him. All we can do is pray.

Moving Ahead

2007-09-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

We got my mom's results today. The cancer hasn't spread so she will have surgery to remove it this Monday. She will be in the hospital 3-4 days and then goes back 2 weeks later. After 4 weeks she will start radiation...and now they have decided that she is going to have chemo too. So she will have radiation 5 days a week and chemo 1 day for atleast 6 weeks. Sounds like a lot of fun....I am going to skip school on Monday and go to the hospital. The surgery might take about 4 hrs so I don't know what we'll do. She goes back tomorrow to find out what time it will be...so if it's later I may go to school for part of the day. I'm really happy that it didn't spread. But we're not in the clear yet. We've got a long way to go. Hopefully it will all go well!

I feel like I being pushed out by my friends a little more each day. Ashlie posted a bulletin last night after going to Justin's birthday party about how she's so excited that JARK (Justin, Ashlie, Katie, Riley) are all together again. She's got her old friends back and doesn't need me anymore. I guess I served my purpose while they ditched her and now I'm just put on the back burner. It's frustrating. She never talks to me. Since school has started we haven't hung out once when over the summer we were together almost everyday. She wanted to get out of dual government but said she didn't want to do it on her own...so I get out and then she leaves me high and dry on my own and stays in. She said that Katie convinced her to. Now they are in a group with Kirby and Sarah doing a project over gay rights. Thanks for throwing me to the wolves,or wolf (AKA Mr. Bates), by myself. I was afraid this might happen once school started, but then the way you talked about how if you ever became friends again you could never be close after what she did to you. Well I guess you were wrong. You can be...you are. And now we're not. I thought it was good that ya'll were working things out. I thought that you could be friends with her and still be my friend too. But I was wrong. We were both wrong. And then when you were telling Kirby about your plans for Tech you turn to me and ask if I'm still planning on going there too. I told you I don't know where I want to go. Then you tell her that your plan is to share a 2 bedroom apartment with Andy and Jesse where you and Andy will share one room and Jesse will have his own. Were you ever really planning on rooming with me like you said? Cause it sounds to me like you exed me from the picture already. But that's ok. I served my purpose. God used me to get you to Him. Maybe that's all it was supposed to be. But now you need to stay close to Him. But I'm afraid you are already losing that spark you had in the beginning. You've already forgotten what happened to you this summer. You've already ditched that "life changing" thing God did for you. You may not talk to me anymore. You may not talk to God anymore. But I talk to God. And I'm praying for you. Because I do still love you as one of the closest friends I've ever had. I will always pray for you.

So I've stayed up half the night working on my lame art project. I didn't get to start it till after 9 though. Sheri and I went to Brent's game (which ended up lasting a whole 2 hrs!), stopped by Josh's so Matt could show her the house, went to eat at chili's, and talked to my mom about everything that's going on. It's been a long day and I'm ready to fall into my bed and never wake up. But I know morning will come all too soon.

What does it take

2007-09-11T18:55:00.001-07:00

So what does it take to fully trust God? That's my question of the day. I want to fully rely on Him, I'm just not completely sure how to go about it. After school I came home and took a walk around since it was so nice outside and I just thought about this. I know that I need Him and that He is always there, I just get frustrated sometimes....okay maybe more than just sometimes. A lot. It's just hard somedays but I know that I need to trust Him and to believe that everything will be okay in the end. It's just been really difficult.
I want to know that even if things don't turn out well with my mom that I can still hold on to Him. To know that even if all the other things right now go down the drain too that I still won't turn my back on Him and I can still be strong. I know there's a verse that talks about running to Him and He will give you rest. That's what I need right now. That's what I'm trying to get to. I'm just not sure how to get there. How to give it all to Him and not worry so much. I want to be in control of things all the time. That's just me. But it's all slipping from my hands. I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
There's an Aaron Shust song that I have been playing over and over again and it's comforting to me. I know that He's heard each one of my cries. Not one of my tears has been cried in vain. He sees it all. Whether I talk to Him or not He can see everything that is going on and exactly how I'm taking it all. Whether I choose to turn to Him or not, He will always be standing there waiting for me to. He'll never give up on me, even if it seems as though I'm giving up on Him. But I'm trying not to. I want to hold on to Him. I want to trust Him. I'm just not sure how.

I was lonely

You came waltzing over to me

And Your eyes they saw right through me

And You heard each one of my cries for help

And You came to rescue me

I was broken

Every prayer that I had spoken

Reached Your ears and all my tears weren't cried in vain

You carried all my pain

And put me back together again

You watch over me in the darkest valleys

You watch over me when the night seems long

You help me to see the way before me

You watch over me; You watch over me

Always faithful

To be leading, at this moment

Interceding for Your children

Though I've wandered astray from Your infinite ways

You've never left me alone

Take my frozen heart; awaken me

Never once have You forsaken me

Even though I walk through this shadow of death

You will guide and defend me

You’ll guard and protect me

Even though I walk through this shadow of death

You will lead me home

Frustration

2007-09-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

So Coco came over for a little bit last night, then we went to her house cause she has movie channels and we were bored. I stayed the night and went with her and her parents to the grapevine mills mall, mardels, and mercado juarez. Then I went home...but I was only there for about an hour before I went back to Coco's. That's where I am now.

When I went home Phyllis was there to see my mom. I was in my room and Amber came in and yelled at me for not drying and putting up the dishes last night. I said I forgot cause Coco came over...which I did. And she said, "Well I don't care. I made Brent wash them so that makes me look bad." I snapped. I told her that she could just be quiet because she always makes us do it but never does anything herself. I told her I come home from school everyday and wash the dishes and do the laundry. And if the trash is full, I burn that too. She said she does that on her days off. I told her I do just as much as she does around here so she could quit yelling at me all the time and get out of my room. I told her she's not my mother and that she has no right to tell me what I need to do and that mom leaves them to dry by themselves anyway then puts them up later. I watch her kid half the time and help with whatever my mother asks me to plus some. She said that she does help and she pays my mom and buys groceries. Well duh! You're supposed to pay rent! And you should buy groceries! You eat all the food! You're an adult! I said I'm still young, I don't have to do that! She was like well Jacob doesn't help or pay rent. That's not me! She said that I don't have to watch Easton. I told her that when I ask her to get him out of my room cause I'm trying to do homework she leaves him there. Always tells me to keep an eye on him. And she got all mad and said, "Well that won't be a problem anymore. You don't have to watch him." I told her to get out of my room and leave me alone. She just kept saying no and telling me loads of crap that really pissed me off. When she finally left she came back without knocking and said "You know what? I may not be your mother, but you walk all over her the same way." You have no idea how badly I wanted to punch her in the face. And she has the nerve to ask me if I even realize what is going on with my mother. I'm not stupid! And she is the one who walks all over her and has her watch Easton for nothing! Are you freaking kidding me!? I walk all over her!? I told her she is never there and doesn't know what I do and what I don't. She has no freaking right! If my mom asks me to do something I do it! I'm not perfect, but out of everyone in my family I am probably the one that helps the most! Who goes by and sees her after school to take her a cherry dr pepper? The one thing that makes her feel better on her bad days. She said herself that some turn to alcohol but that's her fix. Who comes home after running her butt off in athletics only to fix things up before my mom gets home? Who tries to use her own money to pay for books, classes, trips, and everything else? It's not my fault that my mom has a good memory and sometimes remembers and won't let me pay. And who talked to her old boss tonight about getting her job back to be able to help out more? I hate her. I flat out can't stand her. I packed up my stuff and left. I'm staying at Coco's again tonight.

So anyone else want to make the observation that all of this will bring my family together? Anyone?? I am at my breaking point. Don't tell me what to do. Don't tell me you know what it's like to lose a mother if you lost her when you were in your thirties. And I haven't lost her yet! She's still here! And Don't act like you know what my relationship with my mother is.

The sad thing is, I actually was happy for a little while today. The first real happiness I've felt in two weeks. I actually thought that maybe I should try to talk to God again. I haven't really talked to him since I found out. I just can't. I was happy and decided I needed to just try to trust Him. But then I snapped. I can't trust you. I feel like you've let me down. Nothing goes right. What did she do to deserve this? What?! I am beyond words to say how I feel right now. I don't even know how to describe my mood. And I've lost all hope of there being anyone I can really turn to. Just to a place where I can write down words that have no meaning. And what good does that do? It just gets me even more upset and angry and just AH! I just can't do this. I don't even want to go home. I feel like I can't. I feel like I have no home. There is nowhere safe where I can go. Nowhere that is my own. Where I can be alone. Where I can be happy. Everything is crashing down and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Sooo Sleepy

2007-09-06T19:14:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here very sleepy...I was ready to crash a good 2 hrs ago. But my mom went to bed, so I guess that means I have to wait up for my little brother to call for me to go get him? The one night I have no homework...figures. So since I'm bored I figured I'd write about something...not sure what.

Hmmm..I'm dropping out of government tomorrow. Sold my book that I just bought to Katie. I can't really afford the class anyway. Not to mention I couldn't afford to fail. But I haven't given the counselors my paper okaying (sp?) it yet because we don't have class on thursdays and I didn't want to have to go do something. So I just sat in there and tried to read....in the whole hour and a half I read a small paragraph. Kinda hard to focus. The 5 people that are staying in the class have to get in groups and pick topics from the book to present. Katie, Kirby, and Sarah decided to do a branch of civil rights....gay rights. So they were discussing that and what they could say. I think Katie is obsessed with homosexuals. That's what she did her junior research paper on. Whether or not they should be allowed to adopt. She was talking about all the rights they have other than being able to get married here and not being able to get health care. Who said they couldn't get health care? I've never heard that in my life. And I hate the way people talk about homosexuals as if they aren't human beings. Sometimes I'm tempted to say something but then again maybe I don't want everyone to know that I have 2 gay siblings. But I'm pretty sure atleast 2 of them know...but they don't know my stance on things. I don't agree with it whatsoever, but there is nothing I can do about it. And then what happens to come up in speech class? We are talking about stereotypes and Mrs. Johnston discusses different ones. So she brings up the stereotypes about gay guys. What's with people today? Why is everyone thinking about gay people today? And in physics everyone laughs at coach because he has used Canyon as an example and said things not knowing at all that he is gay. So the whole class just laughs and coach is like what? Do I have a booger or something? Ugh!

I took a physics test today...I've got one over Watership Down tomorrow. I still need to pay Ms.Dunn for Lion King...and pay for her class. And now yearbook has decided to get shirts so I need to pay for that too. I'm wondering if I can get my money back and not paint my parking spot? I don't know what to put on it anyway and I can't paint so what's the use? It's just a parking spot.

My mom's pet scan is tomorrow. No results till thursday...a full week. We've made it this far though right? Hope it turns out okay. Not that any of it is okay but you know. Brent just called...better go get him. Then I can sleep!

I Came Apart

2007-09-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

So....I'm just waiting for my mom to get home from work so we can go get my government book. Yay. More money gone! School sucks. I hate it. I have pretty much none of my friends in most of my classes so I just sit there by myself....I'm beginning to realize that I pretty much stick to a certain few friends so without them I am all alone and miserable. I sat all by myself at lunch today because everyone else has a different lunch. And even the ones that are my friends are kinda leaving me out. Ashlie is friends with Katie again so that puts me on the back burner. I don't think she means to, it's just that she has so many memories and good times with Katie that they have more to talk about. I went to the bathroom during govmnt since we had no class and when I got back she had moved tables and left me there. Then in yr book she has her old group. Justin, Riley, and Katie. She barely said two words to me in there....and that was to tell me to pass out some papers cause she had something to do.

I guess I'm just having a little pity party for myself here. Nothing feels right lately. And I hate it that people call you their best friend just because they find out your mom has cancer. But when it comes down to it they don't even talk to you on a regular basis. Just leave it and call it what it is. You've moved on, so just let it go.

I'm worried about my mom. She got out of bed and did the dishes and laundry at almost midnight. Said she couldn't sleep. My dad said this morning that he came home from work at around 1:30 am because she called him crying due to the pain in her ear. I can't imagine what she's feeling right now. I stopped by her school on the way home and 3 of the teachers had on pink bracelets that said Hope and gave her one that says Strength. They are really trying to support her.

But then there's people here at home that are really beginning to tick me off. Don't yell at her when she asks you to do something. Don't tell her you are watching the season finale so you can't do it. It hadn't even started yet! Don't go in your room and lock your door and not open it when she asks. Then you yell at her again because she let Easton know where you are. Quit yelling at her! Quit being rude, uncaring, and flat out selfish. She has cancer! If she asks you to do something as simple as sweeping the porch or burning the trash then do it. It's not that hard. She shouldn't even have to ask. And it shouldn't take her getting cancer for you to help out. You should do it despite all that. Get your act together. And the thing is your not the only one. If someone is legally an adult and has moved back in with their parents after leaving, they CAN help out. Get off your lazy butt and do something. I'm sick of you.

Basically life sucks right now. This won't bring my family together. If she's gone, our relationships probably will be too. She is the only reason half of us even talk. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't talk to you anymore. I'm too angry at you. I don't know what to say to you. I don't know how to trust you anymore.

Just Another Update

2007-09-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

My mom went to see a different oncologist thursday They have set the full body scan for next friday to see if the cancer has spread. If it hasn't she will have surgery to remove it on the 17th. They will go in and take it out and there is a 90% chance that it has spread to the thyroid. If it has they will remove those while they are there. That controls hormones and proteins so she would be on medication the rest of her life. There is also a major nerve that runs through that part of her face so she might lose feeling on that side and have a droopy eyebrow and eyelid. Her neck will be a little sunken in so if they get it all they may go back later and put in a nerve from her ankle and fatty tissue to make it look and work right. Then she will have radiation.
If the cancer has spread below the neckline then there will be no surgery. It will be too late. She will just have chemo. It has grown so quickly that it is entirely possible that it has spread that far. My dad won't even think about that and I guess no one else will either. But I'm afraid it will be too late. They said it's already between stages 3 and 4. I'm afraid I'll lose her.
It's not fair. If we lose her it's just not fair. My sister is 30. She has had my mother for way longer than I ever will. And Brent is only 14. How is that fair? It's his freshman yr of high school. It's my senior yr! This is supposed to be one of the best years of my life. Well I've yet to see any of the grandness of being a senior. I'm afraid I'm never going to. I'm more scared than I've ever been in my whole life.

That 6 Letter Word

2007-08-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

So my mom got her results today....she has cancer. In a gland and a lymphnode in her neck by her ear. She says she can feel them growing daily. The doctors are going to try to remove it and if it's successful then that's it and it's done. But if it's spread or if they can't get it all then she will have to go through chemo and radiation. Sheri drove from austin and is staying through saturday. My mom said Josh cried when she called him and he had to pull over and called in to work. It's going to be really tough on everyone. She is the one who holds us all together.
I'm really scared. What if they can't get it all? What if I lose her like ashlie lost her mom? Why does God allow things like this? I mean she still has kids in high school. Kids who need their mother. Maybe I'm jumping ahead...but I was right about her having the cancer. It's just so hard to talk to God now. I just want to know why. Why God?? Why do things like this happen? I just don't understand. Phil. 4:13.....where's the peace? Maybe I don't understand but give me some kind of peace of mind. Please. Help me to be strong and to be supportive of her. To help her to know that it will all be ok. Please.

Faith

2007-08-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

My mom's appointment is tomorrow. So is the first day of school. We won't get her results until wednesday though. Man I'm so scared. I swear I have no faith. It's just so hard to have any right now. Faith as small as a mustard seed is all it takes....but I feel like I don't even have that. I'm praying for it to be nothing...just an infection that can be cured with antibiotics. But I've been thinking...should I be praying for God to heal her or for His will to be done? What if it's His will for her to have cancer? Maybe it's all a part of His plan and something great will come out of it? But at the same time I just want Him to take care of her health. I know that Ashlie's mom dying brought some good. Like her getting saved. And maybe something good could come out of my mom's cancer (if she has it). But I just want her to be ok. I need her. Is that selfish? That I want my mom to be ok even if that's not God's plan? I just love her so much. I don't think I could stand to watch her go through treatments or to lose her. I'm afraid I would break. My dad talked to me the other night and asked if I knew everything that was going on. He said that he knows my friend lost her mom and he didn't even want to think about that. Then he started to cry. Seeing him cry tears me apart. The same as my mom crying over the phone did. I know she is worried. Doug said she's up in the morning and has already taken her shower at 4 or 5. She told him she just hasn't been able to sleep lately. Well neither have I. And I probably won't be able to until they tell me it's nothing more than a minor infection. My brother and his wife talked to us tonight. Said that we need to more around the house to help her out. And that if we need money just for little things occasionally to ask them rather than bothering my mom. Seeing everyone else so worried doesn't help me to have any faith at all. My dad cancelled his knee surgery because my mom is going to so many appointments. He is trying to take care of her first. When my dad called my brother Josh the other day he said Josh was crying so much he couldn't talk to him and had to just hang up. Wednesday is so far away. I don't know if the little bit of faith I have can hold out for that long.

Worry is Like a Rocking Chair

2007-08-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

So I made my own blog! I decided I can just write things here rather than on myspace where everyone asks me why they're all private. No one I know will read this so I can write whatever! Yay! Well I'm Jessica and I live in Texas. I'm going to be a senior this year and I am sooo scared to graduate and start my life! I have no idea what I want to do! But I'm trying to trust God and know that He will show me the way. I just made this to be kind of like a journal....just a place to write down my thoughts. So here goes nothing!

So my mom has been going to a lot of doctor's appointments the past few weeks. Some days she has more than one. But the last one didn't go very well. The doctor thinks she may have cancer in a gland in her neck. He wants a test run to see for sure. They said it couldn't be scheduled for a week but he said that he wants it immediately. So the appointment is monday...my first day of my senior year. My best friend Ashlie lost her mom to cancer in march. She was diagnosed the first day of school our sophomore year. A little too coincidental for me. I'm not superstitious by any means....but this scares me a lot. What if she really has cancer? What will happen? She holds my family together. I've always been afraid that I would lose my parents while I was young since I am one of the youngest. I mean with my sister being 30 and my younger brother at 14, my parents are as old as some of my friends grandparents. But it was always just a fear. Now it could become a reality. Brent is only 14! We can't lose our mother. And what about college? I was considering going to Tech next year....but if she's diagnosed I don't know if I will want to move 4 hrs away. And I was planning on going overseas as a summer missionary right after I graduate...but that would probably change, too.
Maybe I'm jumping the gun here. I mean she hasn't been diagnosed yet. It's just the urgency of the doctor makes me believe that it just has to be. But then I feel like I'm not trusting God. I just feel so worried that I don't even want to talk to Him. I'm just so scared. More scared than I've ever been. Why can't I just have faith and trust Him? I mean Ashlie losing her mom is what ultimately got her to church and to get saved. But I'm afraid that if I ever lost mine I would run the opposite direction. So now I feel like I have absolutely no faith. It's just so hard. God, please let her be alright. Let it just be an infection like we all hope. She's in Your hands. Please take care of her.