Things I Love

I don't know how to make it bigger!!

cancer

Cancer.

Raging through the body

Having no mercy

No shame

Taking all it can

Living unseen

Leaving a path of destruction

Fighting a battle

Good against evil

Where does it stop?

When is it content?

Not until the end.

Not until it’s taken everything you have.

Your hopes

Your dreams

Your life

Scattering them all like ashes in the wind

But it’s not over

This body is temporary

It can’t touch the soul.

It can’t take your faith.

You will live on

Wide Wide World

I wanted to be safe

I wanted to get by

I almost lost my edge

I could not fathom why

But You would never let me

Your dangerous side won out

Cause You knew what I wanted

I wanted to get out

----------

It's a wide wide world

And I almost lost You in it

It's a chance to live

But it almost passed me by

It's an open door

To live for something better

Cause You keep leading me

Into the wide wide world

----------

Did Moses want to turn back

After crossing the Red Sea?

I bet that he got nervous

I wish that I could see

Cause I've got the shakes all over

And I want to turn around

But I'm twice as scared of missing

The good that can be found

----------

Cause You are past the borders

Somewhere off the map

Of what feels comfortable

And I am so grateful for that

----------

It's adventure that we want

And it's what we'll finally get

There's nothing safe about You

But sometimes I forget

So lead me into the wide world

Don't let me miss my chance

Cause I'll blink and it'll be over

And I won't pass here again

One More Time

I was just thinking today about my last outing with my mom. I used to always go grocery shopping with her on Saturday mornings. The last time she's been out of the house (other than to the doctor and Easton's birthday party), was the day after she started her new chemo. We did the usual Walmart shopping that day and ate at Arby's, but we also went a few other places. Nowhere important, just places that the two of us enjoyed going. We went to Half-Price books and Hobby Lobby. Since we got home that day, she's been too tired to leave the house. I miss the days when we would go into a book store and both leave with arms full of books. I loved going to craft stores with her too, even though she always took way longer than I would've liked. If I could have one more outing with her, I wouldn't care how long she took looking at buttons or deciding which color thread matched the best. I wouldn't try to rush her or complain that I was hungry. I just want one more time...

My Rock

I'm feeling a little insignificant tonight. I've been looking at photos from a friend's mission trip and just thinking...what am I doing with my life? Have I done anything of importance? Am I really living for God? I want something else. I NEED something more. I don't want to live a mediocre life. I want to live my life without regretting all the wasted time...

It's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. The person God wants me to be. I go through each day worried about the future and all the things that I've got going on. Why can't I just slow down? I need to learn to enjoy what I have right here, right now. I'm so worried about everything changing that I'm not living with what I've got now. Life is going to change. So what? You get over it. You move on. Why do I struggle with that so much these days...

I've been stressing over not having anything or anyone to hold onto once all these changes occur. But then it hit me. I don't need anyone. I've got GOD. What could be better than that? So what if everything else seems to fall apart. He'll still be standing there. He'll still be holding my hand. I don't need anything more....He's my all. He's my Rock. That's never going to change. That's all I need.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14

Holding On

It's been a tough day and I can't sleep. I'm still not really sure why I even write these blogs...they make me feel better somehow. I'm kind of in a "I'm losing everyone I care about" mood lately. I really just don't understand life right now or where I'm headed. I watched Cason this morning at my house cause I figured my mom would enjoy seeing him. She did enjoy it, but it just got me to thinking...she will never play with my babies. She'll never see me taking care of mine-feeding them, changing diapers, putting them to sleep...all that good stuff. She won't be there when I have questions about what I should do or what she did with us. I started to wonder if maybe she was thinking the same thing....
Amber fixed my mom's slowly growing hair and did her makeup for Easton's party. Everyone's been saying how she's been looking better lately, and I guess I started to believe it a little. But just getting dressed for the party made her tired today. The party was just next door and she was worn out before we ever got there and had to sit down with me carrying all her tubing. Carrying around an oxygen tank and a vacuum pump isn't the most fun thing in the world....you could see the way everyone looked at her. Staring at how small and frail she is now. How tired she looked. It was weird to see her anywhere but home. All she kept saying was, "When is he gonna open presents?" She just wanted to go home...so I found Amber and told her it was time. He opened them, we left, she went to bed....
Lately I've been having trouble remembering what she was like before she got sick. I see pictures and they don't look like her, but the way she is now isn't her either. I don't know what memory of my mother to try to hold onto. If I can't even remember what she was like before, how am I going to remember everything when she's gone? I'm afraid I'll forget. I'm afraid I won't remember how she moves, how she talks, how she looks. How do you hold onto it all? I've already forgotten how she used to be...I don't want to forget anymore. I don't know how to hold on...
I'm not sure how much time I have left with her. I find myself trying to balance time between a mother that I'm going to lose permanently, and a best friend who's moving half way across the world. I want to spend as much time with each of them as I can...it's just been so hard. I know how much time I have left with one, and the other is unpredictable. I'm not liking so much change....
I've been trying so hard to just trust in God. I know He's got a plan. I know He sees things that I can't and never will. I know all this in my head...it's just hard to see it sometimes when you feel like your whole world is being flipped around. I've given up things and changed what I believe He wanted me to. I'm trying my best and I know that He's blessed me for it. But I still have trouble understanding everything that's going on around me. I know He won't give me more than I can handle...but at the same time I feel like He has. I'm not strong enough on my own. Maybe He's wanting me to depend on Him a little more. I guess I'll just have to keep holding on and wait for this storm to be over.....God, please make it soon.

Lost

So I'm kinda lost right now... I thought I was getting things pretty planned out. I was getting so excited about the chance to go to tanzania, but I just don't know if I can do it. If I go, those 2 weeks will be amazing I know. But I will never be able to get them back. And I don't know if I'll be able to live with that. I thought the whole point of spacing out the chemo was so she wouldn't be so sick all the time, but she already can't get out of bed. I don't even know if she'll be able to make it to her radiation treatment today. It's really frustrating because I feel like I'm finally getting to the age where we can grow closer, only to realize that may never happen. I guess I just didn't expect it to all go downhill so quickly this time. I'm caught a little off guard. I missed my exit this morning just because I was too busy thinking about giving my passport money back. I don't want to see her go through all this again. She doesn't deserve it. If I go and she doesn't start feeling better, who will do things around the house? No one else is helping now so why would they then. The only way I get them to help is by bribing them or asking them when people are over so that they do it to make themselves look good. Can no one see how selfish they're being? I know they're hurting too, but I don't understand how they can say things and then act the way they do...If you love her you'll help. Don't say you want to spend more time with her and then never come home. Ugh...

You are my hiding place

So my last post on this thing was in July...that's a pretty safe bet that no one will check this and read it.

I am frustrated beyond belief right now. I am at the point of tears with no way to hold them back. It's like everything is crumbling around me, but at the same time I know Christ is holding me in His hand. He'll never let me go and I know He has a plan for me, but I really wish I could just figure out what it is. Sometimes I think I know, but I'm never right.

Things with my mom are frustrating...to say the least. It's so hard to know how to feel exactly. You feel sad, but mad. Alone, yet blessed. Selfish, but oh so confused. Tired of waiting, and sick of watching it all slowly unfold. People who haven't been there don't know how to talk to you about it, and that's not there fault. But at the same time you just feel like it would be so much better to just have one person, just one, who kind of gets it. I mean cancer in a way is a blessing. Better than dying unexpectedly in a car crash. You have the time to say goodbye. But is any amount of time ever enough? Either way you are still going to have regrets of how time was spent. With her it's difficult to spend time together. You want alone time, you want memories to hold on to. But she works all day, comes home and does a few things around the house, then goes to bed super early. After her day she is drained. So really there is no time during the week. You want to talk and ask questions about things you don't know...but you don't want to ask them awkwardly like "Hey, you won't be here to tell me later so tell me now." You don't know how to talk, how to share, how to feel.
It's easy to get frustrated when friends talk about getting married or wanting to have kids when you know she won't be there to tell you how her pregnancies were, or how it was when she got married young. What it was like raising 6 kids and how she made it through. When you know she won't be there to make baby blankets for your children, or those goofy towel things that go on the refrigerator handles. I think it makes it harder when everyone tells you that you look like her or that you're like her in a lot of ways. I'm not trying to be proud or selfish or whatever, but I am more like her than anyone else. I look the most like her, I act the most like her, I think like her, I enjoy a lot of the same things she does. In fact, I wish I was even more like her. I want to learn more things from her, to find out more things about her life. But how do you ask? How do you ask her to teach you something when she knows you're only asking cause she's dying.
I want her to be a grandma for my kids. I want them to get to know her the way I know her.

Things just don't seem right. I've been doing pretty good, reading my bible everyday. I let go of my missions dream because I thought maybe I only wanted what someone else had. I wanted to be too much like them because of how wonderful their life seemed to be. But then today, hearing about a trip just felt like a tug at me heart. But I think I'm just mistaken. I can't be cut out for it. No one would support it anyway. And if I plan it and she goes downhill...I can't have that. Maybe it will always be just a dream...just something I'll hear stories about.

Then of course there's the boy. Sometimes I can't see myself ever being away from him...but some days I don't even know who he is. He just seems to get mad at me so easily, I don't know how to stay on his good side. He says he doesn't feel close to me anymore, and maybe he's right. He complains that I don't kiss him enough, we don't have enough couple time, and that he just doesn't feel like I really care about him sometimes. I don't know what he wants from me. I ask him and he doesn't know. Well if he doesn't, then how am I supposed to? I give him my reasons for the things I do but they are never good enough. I don't want to mess up again...but he doesn't seem to understand. He never seems to understand my feelings on anything. Not until way after the fact and we get in a fight. I want him to be a better christian so he can be the spiritual leader in the relationship, but he doesn't understand why it's the guys job. Some days I think that maybe he's not right for me...but I don't see anyone else out there who would be. But I need him. When she's gone, I'll need him and his family more than ever. It's not that I don't love him, I just wish he didn't get so mad at me. I just wish he would try to understand more sometimes. But other times he is wonderful, and I couldn't love him more. So I guess no relationship is perfect. I love him and we'll work out all the rest....I just wish he would support me in whatever I want to do. That's what I'm trying to do for him...I just want the same thing in return.

"You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble, and surround me with songs of deliverance."
-Psalm 32:7

Brokenhearted

Wow it's been a looooong time! I forgot I even had this thing!

So life has been pretty good. At the beginning of the summer I started a Beth Moore bible study called Breaking Free with my amazing friend, Darbi. I must admit that at the beginning it was really tough to get into it because each day takes atleast 30 min. I wasn't used to spending that much time with God as sad as that sounds...but after the first few days I really began to enjoy it and I feel like I've grown so much closer to God. You always hear that you need to read your Bible daily, and I've tried it but it's hard to find time. But I never knew just how big of a difference spending time with God everyday would make. He's amazing! I'm now beginning week 5 of the study and although somedays are hard to get through, I usually am excited about what I'm going to learn that day..I've never really been like that before! Well today's lesson was about mending broken hearts. "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted"-Isaiah 61:1. Just about everyone has had their heart broken in some way...and it is more painful than anyone can possibly describe. This lesson was a tough one because it's so hard to completely turn your heart over to God and let Him fix it...we just want to hold onto it and try to fix it ourselves. But the part of the lesson that was so amazing to me (Darbi pointed it out) is that when God applies pressure to our bleeding heart, the pain gets even worse. But then the bleeding stops. I thought I had turned my heart over to God, but during this lesson the pain in my heart was so bad I thought it was breaking again. Maybe that is God applying the pressure...or maybe I haven't fully given Him every piece of my heart yet. Either way, I know that for my broken heart to be healed, I have to give God all the pieces and trust that He will put it back together again and have it in better shape than I ever did on my own. God is so amazing....I don't know how I went so long just living to typical Christian life of going to church and that was it. God gave me life, so I am going to give my life back to Him. Sometimes it's hard to trust Him with it because, as humans, we like to be in control. But God can run our lives so much better than we can even imagine.

So I'm still pretty nervous about going off to school....but having gone down there twice with some friends and visiting the College Life House I'm less afraid than before. I know that there are some pretty amazing people there who only want to follow God with everything they have. I've seen how much my friends have grown since they've gotten there and I can't wait to grow like that! I already feel like I've learned some things just the two times I've gone there. On Sunday I did something that I would ordinarily never do! When I went to church at Rocky Point the preacher decided that he wasn't supposed to preach that day, so they passed microphones around and had ppl talk about how they'd been blessed. One little girl in the balcony stood up where I couldn't see her and asked for prayers for her mamma because she was having cancer surgery and she didn't know if she would make it. I knew exactly how that little girl felt...and I had this urge to talk with her. But this was the first time I had been to this church and I had no idea who the little girl was and I couldn't even see her. But after a while I decided I wanted to find her. So I asked my friend, Jake, if he knew her cause I wanted to talk to her. He didn't, but during the invitation we went up to the balcony to find her. We did and Jake told her we wanted to pray with her. I talked to her and found out that her mother, Shannon, was about to have her 3rd surgery and she was scared she wouldn't make it. Wow. My mom had 3 surgeries too and I was scared of the same thing. So I did something that I've only done one other time in my life...I prayed out loud! It was just her, Jake, and me (and anyone else who might have heard me), but I was soooo nervous! But I decided that I wouldn't let that stop me because I knew that all this wasn't just a coincidence....so I prayed the saddest excuse for a prayer that anyone has probably ever heard and stumbled over my words a lot! It really was pitiful lol. And the whole way back down the stairs my heart was still pounding...had I made a mistake in doing that? I really thought maybe I had...but then I decided that was just the devil trying to discourage me. I knew in my heart that I had done what God wanted, even if it wasn't the best prayer in the world. Jake knew I was nervous and he prayed with me after that and said that was a pretty cool thing I did. That made me feel a little bit better...God can work through people. I don't know if us going to talk to that girl made any difference in her day at all, but I still did what God asked. And I know I would have regretted it for a long time if I had ignored that feeling I had. I've never had a feeling quite like that! But don't get me wrong, none of what happened was because of me. God did it all. He never ceases to amaze me....

Ok I'm going to bed! Gnight!

Happiness

What does happiness really consist of? Having everything you want or having everything go your way? Of is it just knowing that in the end, God will be there and everything will work out ok? Sometimes I just can't seem to find the happiness I'm looking for...at times I just feel like even though I know God is there, I can't smile and feel ok and know that it's all alright. I go through times like this a lot, and most of the time I wonder if there's not something wrong with me. No one else seems to go through this quite as often as me. I'm not saying I'm never happy and that I can't see the good in life at times...it's just that most of the time, all I see are the bad things. I've been called pessimistic and told that I'm just one of those people who always see the glass as half empty, but that's not what I want. I want to be like those people who always see the good in life, who always have a reason to celebrate because even though things are bad they know that God is right there by their side. I know that He's here, but sometimes it's just hard to really feel Him. It's like I know it in my head but just can't feel it in my heart sometimes. I look around me and see good things, but my mind just lets the bad outweigh it all. Or I always find a bad side to the good. Why can't I just be happy and satisfied for once in my life? Why can't I just be the daughter and the friend that others need me to be? Why am I constantly focused on the things on my plate right here, right now? Could it be that I've got too many things on my plate? It can't be, because I know others have way more to deal with and think about....but I still feel this weight pushing down on me most of the time and I just can't seem to get rid of it. It really is like the saying, I feel like I've got the world on my shoulders. But more like in my chest...and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon.

trust

So I'm bored...and just felt like writing. I've been thinking a lot about some things and just wanted to sort through it all I guess. Lately I've been thinking a lot about how quickly things change, or can change. You just never know what is going to happen to you or those around you. I've never thought too much into it before, and honestly it scares me. Things can change in an instant and your whole life can be changed, for the better or for worse. Nothing and no one is safe. Maybe change scares me so much because I've lived in a fairly small town (although it's growing) my entire life. I've lived in the same house and gone to the same school district for 18 years. Change has just never been my thing. It upsets me easily and I guess a lot of people don't understand that. Maybe I'm just emotional...I don't know. Most have been through a lot of changes, but even the small things get me. It's a little frustrating at times. I'm realizing everyday just how much closer I am to a lot of things changing and although I'm ready (to an extent), I'm also slightly worried...ok, maybe more than slightly. I'm ready to see what I can do out there away from the things I've been accustomed to my whole life, but I also want everything to stay the same. But then when I think about it not much in my life has been constant except for the fact that I've lived in the same place with the same parents and gone to the same school. Over the years the people I have hung around with have varied, the people I've lived with have changed, and my thoughts about a lot of things have just been altered. In my own personal opinion, I've changed a lot over the past year or two. And at times I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad one. I guess some is good, and some isn't so good. And who knows how I'll change next year...it's just go me to thinking. Next year I'll be with some of my good friends, but I'll also be leaving some others. I know I won't talk to anyone from high school once I'm gone cause I don't talk to any of them outside of school now. All my friends are older than me. But some of them are getting married soon. Others are moving halfway across the world. And if that's not a big change then I don't know what is. Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy for all my friends and anything good they've got going for them...it's just going to be different. And hard. But God has a plan for everything right? And if you try your best to follow Him He will work everything out right? But it still scares me. I'm just not good with change...not good with losing people. But I guess I'm not really losing them, but it still won't be the same. And I know that some people think that I'm not talking to them...and not hanging around them. And I think that they may think it's because I've got a new person in my life that I have been spending a lot of time with. But that's not really the reason. Because honestly, I'm not talking to him either. He gets mad at me too. The real reason, I'm trying to distance myself to make it all easier. I'm not sure if that makes any sense...but to me it does. If I don't get close to people, if I don't let them in, then I can't get hurt. Or atleast it hurts a little less. And maybe that's selfish, now that I think about it I guess it's really selfish, but I don't know what else to do. I'm just trying to make things easier....that's why I'm not letting him in either. Yeah, I still spend a lot of time with him, but I won't talk to him like he wants me to. I'm afraid to let him in because you never know what is going to happen. Things change too quickly in this life. How do I know how long he'll be here? I don't. So I don't want to get too close....and again I feel that I'm being selfish. That's not fair at all. Not to anyone. You know, that's why I like writing these blogs. It helps me to sort through everything. I didn't even think about the fact that I was being selfish until now...but at the same time I still don't want to give in. To anyone. This is pretty frustrating....Idk. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want people to think I'm just pushing them away. I don't want to push them away...but I don't know how else to handle it. I guess this just all has to do with my problem with change. I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that I'm terrified of change. And terrified of getting hurt...but if you don't get too close you can't get hurt. And maybe if I back away now from those I have let in some, then it will hurt atleast a little less. Maybe my thinking process is just all screwed up...hmph. It's just that you never know what can happen. I know I already said this and I think I'm just repeating myself on a lot of things but I'm just thinking and writing down my thoughts so I don't care. How do I know someone around me won't get deathly ill? Won't die in a car wreck? Won't move away? Won't just decide they've got better friends? Won't decide they don't need me? I don't. So it's not safe to get too close. Not for anyone. No one is safe. And who's to say if you do let them in they won't just think you're crazy? Maybe if you let them in they will decide they don't like what they see? Then what have you got? Nothing. Maybe I'm just thinking way too much into everything....but this is what I do. I always go through the "what if's". What if something happens? My mind just wanders too much I guess...but I can't help it. And I'm tired of people making promises they can't keep. Don't tell me always...you can't know that. You can't make that promise. Not one of you. So please don't. It just upsets me more. But then again I'm just a little too emotional and too analytical....Maybe what I'm really afraid of is trust. I just don't know how to trust anyone completely...not even my closest of friends. Trust sucks. Hmph. This thinking is getting me nowhere. All it did was make me more frustrated with myself....

catching up

Wow...so it's been over a month since I've blogged on here! Crazy. Just nothing too exciting to write about I guess...but I guess I can find something to talk about.

Hmm...I'm learning even more each day just how blessed I am when it comes to friends. God has given me some pretty great ones that I know I could count on for just about anything, if only I chose to. Each one is different and amazing in their own way. Yet there are others I wish I could be closer too again....but beggars can't be choosers. It's actually kinda crazy to me because I'm not the type of person who had a lot of friends their whole life. I've always been kind of a loner and kept to myself. Sure, I'd talk to plenty of people at school, but never outside. I never went and hung out with friends like other kids did. Now I find myself surrounded with friends. It's pretty crazy for me to think about. At times I feel like I'm not a good enough friend to them...not like they are to me. I really don't deserve them.

I'm also learning each day just how much I need God. It seems I always put Him to the test and see how far I can push it before something happens. For the first time in my life I went atleast 2 months without talking to Him. It's not that I "wasn't speaking to Him," I just didn't ever talk to Him. I still went to church, I still acted fine, but I quit reading and praying and pretty much just gave it up. I'm still not completely sure why I did. I'm still trying to work through it and figure out what I'm feeling exactly. In a way I feel like I was mad at Him, but at the same time I wasn't. I'm sure that's what people would think and although they would tell me I shouldn't be they would also understand why I would be. But I'm not so sure that's it. I guess that's part of it. I mean I watched my mother grow progressively worse every single day. I honestly don't think any of my friends saw her at her worst. They were never around at that time. And when they were she was sleeping. If they had, they might have been able to atleast get a little grip on what I was feeling. But they didn't, and they can't. Even now. So maybe I was a little mad at God. But maybe it was also that I just felt like I couldn't trust Him anymore. Because at that point I didn't see how things could get better. I couldn't see how anything good would come from it. When you get that low you can't see past tomorrow. I can now, but not then. I just didn't understand how He could allow her to go through that. How He could sit back and watch His child suffer so. But I guess He knows what He's doing huh? Of course he does...but I can't see it, so it's hard to trust Him. I felt like He was letting me down, and He was letting her down. I mean if I love her this much and it kills me to see it, then how can the God of the universe watch His very own creation go through that. But then again He is the God of the universe right? He watched his Son die. Why wouldn't he be able to watch others suffer. Even if He does love them...He can see all the puzzle pieces, I can only see this one. This little one that holds my little world. What do I know? But I still felt let down. I was too hurt to see anything else. So I pushed Him away...just like I do everyone else. And I can say now that that is the dumbest move a person can make. And even though He gave me so many oppurtunities to just stop and let it out and talk to Him, I couldn't. No matter what I did or how bad I felt, I just couldn't bring myself to slow down and do it. Instead I tried to go faster. Tried to make sure I didn't have time to myself to stop and think. If I was alone, I asked someone to go do something. If it was quiet, I turned up the radio. Solitude and quiet I just wouldn't allow. Oh how stupid I was. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't open up to Him..it was like something was holding me down. Putting a hand over my mouth. Making me run faster. And if someone tried to talk to me about it, I quickly changed to subject. I became an expert at escaping. All I can say now is that I'm glad my God is a loving God who forgives no matter what. I'm not saying I'm completely over the feelings I had, because I'm not. But I'm not hiding from God anymore. And I still feel bad because I feel like I'm only surfacing while the weather's good...what happens if it turns stormy again? Will I be able to handle it, or will pull myself away again? I want to say I'm better now and that God and I are closer than ever, but that would be a lie. I want that to be true, but at this point it's not. But I'm working my way in that direction. I'm talking to Him. And just doing that feels so good. It's indescribable, but I'm still not satisfied. Things aren't back to normal, and even if they were I still wouldn't be happy. Because I want things to be better than good. I want to be able to lean on God and trust Him no matter what may be thrown my way. I want to be able to follow Him without thinking twice and be happy about what He's accomplishing through me. Now that might not ever happen, but it's a goal. And with God anything is possible right?

Ok, so a blog just to catch up because I haven't written in a while turned into me spilling my guts to the world (or just the few who actually read my blog). Not what I intended on writing about but....oh well? I could copy it to myspace and make it private...but then I just make friends mad and I just finished saying how blessed I am to have them right? So let's not tick them off....

new body

Can I get you anything else? A new body...I wish I could give her that. I wish I could do something to ease her pain. Anything. But I can't. I'd give anything to be able to. And when she asks for that so seriously, no hint of joking in her face. Not in her eyes...because they are closed. Too heavy to even hold open. And she asks for water...she takes a long time drinking it. I thought that would mean she was actually doing better and holding it down. Usually she can only drink a few sips...but then she gives it back to me. It looks as if she drank two drops. How can a person survive on that. Drops of water and the miniscule amount of boost that stays in her stomach after she throws it up even after putting it through the feeding tube. I just don't get it. But it should be uphill from here right? Right......

Thanksgiving

So today was Thanksgiving...but this one was different. The smell of food makes my mom sick and she can't eat so we didn't do anything here. I went to Josh's and it was pretty good...just not what I wanted. Brent and I stayed the night there last night and went with Matt to his aunt's house for breakfast in Coppell. It was alright but we didn't know anyone there. Josh had to work till about 2. So there were only 4 of us kids there for dinner...we were missing 6 people. It's not really Thanksgiving without family. But I guess it was better than nothing. I can't complain.
It makes me worried about Christmas. Mom should be done with treatments by then but they said it can still affect her for a good while after. She asked Sheri to take her to Kohls in the morning for some big sale...but I don't know how much she'll be able to take. My mom said she will be doing a lot of catalog shopping this year. It's tradition for us to put up our tree the day after Thanksgiving...but we can't because the smell would make her sick. That means no tree, no decorating, no cheese balls and punch. Traditions...Hmph. Well I made it through one holiday...I guess I can make it through another. But this one's over and I'm going to bed cause I have a tournament tomorrow! Bah.

Dreading Each Day

Geeze it's been a while. Just so busy I guess.
So some things are going better lately. Things with friends are better. I've gotten closer to some and fixed things between others. And still others are complicated and frustrating. But overall...they're ok.
The biggest thing right now is stuff with my mom. Whoa. Big shocker. All of it is just so hard. It's hard to watch her everyday. It's hard to see how tired she is and how she can't eat anything and how even when she puts it through her feeding tube she still throws it up. And there's nothing I can do to comfort her or make it better. That's the hardest part. Having to just sit back and watch it all. I can't help her. I can't make things easier for her. She wants to quit. She wants to give it up. And that pains me more than anything. I would hate myself if she quit...of course they won't let her but still. I'm angry at myself just for the fact that she wanted to quit. If I would have just let him sit in the car dirty none of it would have happened. It's just a car. I can clean it later. That's nothing in comparison to the way it made her feel. I did that. I caused it. Just because I was being selfish and stingy.
But at the same time I am angry at her. Maybe that's wrong but I can't help it. How could you want to give up? That's not only giving up on yourself. That's giving up on us. We need you and you can't do that. And I am so mad at you for still working. I never see you. You give work all the energy you have. By the time I get home you are asleep. It's not fair to give them the good part of your day. Give it to us. We are the ones who love you. We are the ones who need you. Not for you to do things or to help us or anything like that. We just need to see you. But I guess that doesn't matter anymore. She hasn't gone to work this week. She's been too sick. I don't know if she'll be able to work anymore...and that's even scarier.
I'm not looking forward to these holidays at all. Sure, I want the time off from school to just relax and do whatever. But I don't want to actual holidays. I don't want Thanksgiving. I don't want Christmas. They won't be holidays. The smell of food makes her sick. How can we have a holiday and have food and be together? She's too sick to go shopping. That means no presents. And it's not the presents that I want. I want the family sitting around the tree together opening gifts and seeing everyone together. But that probably won't happen. And what's even more frustrating is that I can't say "oh well, there's always next year." Yeah there is next year. But this is my last year actually living at home. Sure I'll be back for the holidays but I won't be living here and it just won't be the same. This is the last time while living at home and it's not even going to feel like the holidays. My mom would've already been buying Christmas gifts by now. She would already be wrapping them. She would have candles out that smelled like fall and winter and just make you feel good. But they're not out. Partly because Easton wants to drink them..and partly because the smell would make her sick. Maybe I'm being selfish again. Mabye none of this should matter at all. But it does to me. And I can't help but get mad at all of it. Will she even be able to go on the annual after Christmas trip the family takes? We started that when her own brother was dying from cancer. It was really the last time for all the family to be together with him. It became tradition. But if she doesn't go I'm not either. It just wouldn't be right. I don't want this holiday break. I don't want the next one. I want to skip over them and keep on moving. And then I feel selfish again. Atleast she's still here for these holidays. Ashlie's mom's not. I'm lucky..but yet I feel so unlucky. And feeling this way makes me feel even worse. And I feel bad because she used to get out of bed and yell at me for still being on the computer this late. But she's so tired she doesn't even hear me typing anymore. She never even knows.
So here's the blog you've been waiting for...just one big old pity party. Hmph. I don't like this at all.

Conspiracy

"Explain to me, this conspiracy against me." Why have these lyrics just popped into my head? And why do they seem to have this truth behind them lately? Things are frustrating me a lot. I just don't understand things. Why people are the way they are. Do you not want anything good for me? Am I not allowed to have any other friends besides you? Even though you really aren't a very good one? And I want to say something to you so badly...but I know that no good would come of it. And I hate how I keep getting blamed for everything. It's not my fault. When he told me did he not expect that things would be a little awkward? Did he think nothing would change? Last time it didn't so much, but that's because he was here and I saw him all the time. This time it's different. He is an hr away and I never see him...so I'm sorry if I don't talk to him as much as I used to. I'm sorry that things change. I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

Someone shoot me please. The thing that's saddest to me is that I'm getting so used to disappointment that this didn't bother me quite as much as it would've not long ago. It's like things going wrong is expected. Like that's what I plan on happening everytime something starts out pretty good. I know in the back of my mind that it won't last long and I subconsiously prepare myself for it before it ever happens. I'm not saying it doesn't still suck really bad and that it doesn't bother me at all. Just not as bad as it would have just a couple of months ago. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be.

I was getting over and past a lot of things. I was ok with not really having any friends here because I will be going to Tarleton next yr and I have my friends there. But now I'm not so sure. Do I really have any real friends anywhere? Well I know not in high school. And I know not at Tarleton. But I guess I've got some. Too bad I'll be leaving them next yr...this blows.

I wish that I could say it's ok and everything will turn out fine. But I can't. I thought I had everything planned out for next yr. But I don't. I don't know how things will go. I don't know if things will work. I know they won't if things keep going like this. I can't live with you if you are going to act like this. But honestly, I'm not too worried about that. I can make it on my own. I can live on my own. I've made it this far without you, so what makes you think I need you. I don't. So no, I never said this about him. You read it wrong. But I'm saying it about you now. You are just too full of yourself. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of you thinking everything is about you. It's not. Life's not about you. So get over it.

On a different note....I've been feeling bad about some things lately. Like how I really don't spend that much time with my mom. I mean it's just really hard. I'm always at school or practice or church. And when I'm home all she does is sleep...or watch tv while falling asleep. So I don't know how I can really spend time with her. I hate this. It sucks.

Love (just because I'm being forced)

I love autumn

I love basketball season and the feelings it brings

I love my mom's cooking

I love Sunday lunches that cook in the oven for hours

I love sleeping in my parent's bed

I love how even though it's no different, it just feels so much better

I love forts made from sheets, chairs, and fans

I love learning how to land your first flip on the trampoline

I love my purple koala bear bicycle

I love electric blankets

I love reading in my bed covered with blankets

I love the smells of fall

I love falling asleep on my mom's lap in the church pew

I love picnics down by the creek

I love walking through open fields

I love thunderstorms (as long as they don't make my house leak)

I love getting rides on the dirtbike out at the farm

I love the toy box at Pappy's house

I love bike rides

I love playing in the rain

I love exploring the creek and catching tiny frogs

I love playing football in the yard with my brothers

I love little neighbor kids that come over just to jump on your trampoline

I love how they were never allowed inside because dad was sleeping

I love playing cops and robbers

I love checking to see if the chickens laid any eggs that day

I love playing school and being the teacher

I love roasting marshmallows

I love baking cookies

I love when everyone comes out for Christmas Eve and stays through Christmas Day

I love decorating the tree

I love eating cheese balls and drinking mom's special punch

I love picking out which gift to open on Christmas Eve

I love getting to lick the bowl

I love watching mom do the twist on the kitchen floor

I love the oldies she always played while sewing

I love cattle sales and the way you always come out smelling worse than the cows

I love Easter at Grannan's house

I love making a pillow wall because you're scared something's going to get you

I love believing that the pillows will actually protect you

I love believing all the crazy things my brothers told me

I love telling my little brother things and him actually believing me

I love singing along to Barney because I still know all the words

I love sitting on the feed car under the shade tree

I love Lion King and Pocahontas shirts

I love running races where everyone has jingle bells on their shoes

I love long hot baths

I love passing out hymnals to the little old ladies at the nursing home

I love how the old ladies think you are the cutest thing they've ever seen

I love quotes that just seem to fit

I love story time at the library

I love VBS

I love the jingle jangle jamboree

I love playing in the little bit of snow we get around here

I love hoodies

I love camping not too far away from my house

I love carrying in my dad's vest for him when he gets home

I love getting his radio for him when he's about to leave

I love singing as loud as I want in the car

I love driving by myself and just listening to the radio

I love songs that remind you of specific times in your life

I love my Christina Aguilera CD

I love old photo albums

I love my mom's teddy bear necklace

I love going to Dairy Twin for ice cream after every basketball game

I love coaches that don't get mad at you

I love Brent biting the dog and getting a mouth full of fur because it bit him first

I love the old farm truck

I love playing hide and seek and never getting found

I love drawing just cause I'm in the mood to

I love coloring books

I love my angel

I love sunflower bear and how someone pulled her out once again

I love my Beauty and the Beast book from Grannan

I love staying at her house and making foil picture things

I love the way she sent me a Valentine

I love cousins who let you play with them even though you're really too young

I love swingsets

I love old houses

I love buying crafts to do together

I love trying to learn how to crochet

I love drawing pictures on fabric and then sewing them

I love wood stoves that heat up entire houses

I love playing on organs and messing with all the different sounds

I love crawling under the house

I love massages

I love going through old things

I love children's choir

I love the smell of the air conditioner when you first turn it on

I love playing on the trampoline with the water hose

I love how I always manage to burn no matter how much sunscreen I have on

I love rocking chairs

I love writing private blogs that no one can read

I love having an older and wiser best friend

I love how she's always there for me

I love Phyllis's cinnamon rolls shaped into Christmas symbols

I love candy cane shakes

I love Heather coming down and calling me first thing to come over

I love doing crafts at Dee's house with her

I love going to girl scout day camp when I'm not even a girl scout

I love Halloween candy

I love coming home and trading what we got

I love arguing over who gets to dye the next Easter egg

I love coloring the face on the pumpkin because mom says it will last longer this way

I love playing gin rummy with Carlos

I love others faces after you do something for them

I love grocery shopping with my mom on Saturdays before everyone else is up

I love how Byron still calls me a boy to this day

I love wearing t-shirts

I love optimistic people trying to change my pessimistic ways

I love people who are just too nice

I love scrapbooks and the memories they bring back

I love taking pictures

I love making Christmas lists of things I know I won't get

I love yummy smelling candles

I love God and how He's always there

I love putting on clothes straight from the dryer

I love the friends who are really there for you

I love watching other people's fireworks from the trampoline

I love the feeling you get during a race

I love knowing you did something right

I love antique shopping

I love that half the things I see I have at my house already

I love Mickey Mud Turtle

I love looking through my mom's things

I love running to mom when I have a nightmare

I love going to her and pretending I had one just so I can sleep in her bed

I love random notes of encouragement

I love Bible verses that hit you right in the head

I love taking naps on Sunday afternoons

I love how this is so long

I love Erika and Darbi for making me do this

I love how this is probably not what they meant

I love how I don't really care!

hate

It's amazing how many people I hate these days. I know it's not healthy or even right to hate people as much as I do these select few, but I just can't help it. How can you people do the things you do? How could I have been so naive and not seen it before? Why are you tearing things apart? Why are there so few people in this world that I can stand? Seriously...some days I wonder if maybe I'm the one who's got the problem. Because how come I always find things wrong with everyone else. Isn't it more likely that it's just me? Things are just so frustrating right now.

I hate how people tell you they will be there for you and abandon you. Time and time again it happens and time and time again someone is hurt because of it. I hate how all of a sudden when everything comes out I have such a hatred for you and what you did. Look what you did to him. And I honestly see it as your fault. I always wondered what caused it and now I've finally gotten my answer. But now I wish I never knew. I don't want to hate you, but I do. And even more so for everything that you are fixing to cause, whether or not you really planned for it to go this way.

I hate how I'm fine when I don't see you. I hate how I can just look past it and pretend like it's ok and it doesn't matter anymore. And then every single time I see you I feel this hatred grow inside of me. How can I hate someone this much? How could you do what you did? How can you be so selfish and self-centered and such a coward? I hate you so much and I wish I never had to see you again.

I hate how people can be so incredibly selfish. They can see what needs to be done but leave it for someone else. They only want to do it if someone sees that they are. I know I'm not perfect and I like to be praised for what I do, who doesn't? But I do do things sometimes just because I know I should and that it shouldn't matter if anyone notices. Because it shouldn't. But you are too self-centered and lazy to do anything and I hate you for it.

I seem to be on a hate rampage and I know that it's probably wrong to say all of this. But it's honestly how I feel. But I never said that I didn't love some of these people too. Because some of them I do, but I hate them at the same time. Trust me, it's possible. But I'm not finished yet. I'm not done ranting and raving about the things and people that I hate. There's one more person who's yet to make the list.

I hate how frustrated you always get. I hate how you get so angry and you mostly just keep it inside and don't let it out. I hate how it's come to the point that you really don't have anyone you can trust. Only one. I hate how your life seems to be crashing down around you. I hate how you are so weak and you can't go long without crying. I hate that all you do is complain when someone has to have it worse than you. I hate how you can't just figure out what you want to do with your life. I hate how you can't just be satisfied with life. I hate that you feel so alone most of the time. I hate the mistakes you've made and how you really haven't learned much from them. I hate that no matter how hard you try nothing ever goes right in your eyes. I hate how you are starting to just let everything go. I hate that you are so ready to get away yet you are too terrified to leave. But most of all, I hate that no matter what happens, you can never just be happy.

Hmph

Hmm...it's been a while huh? Just busy I guess...and avoiding sitting down and making myself think about things going on. Cause that's what I do when I sit down to write these blogs, just think about everything that's in my mind but I tend to push to the back sometimes. I just don't want to think too much into things some days. But today I have been, and to be honest a lot of things are scaring me and making me worry about life and the future. There are just too many things that aren't for certain. Too many things that could change in a instant that could turn everything upside down. Too many things that have already turned everything upside down. I don't know what's going to happen in the here and now and in the near future and sometimes I'm just worried that I can't handle it. I'm scared that I won't be able to make it through everything. I mean sure I'll make it through, but will I be who I want to be after the fact? I know that just in this past half a year I have changed a lot. Sometimes I think for the better, other times I'm not so sure. Maybe things would be better as they were before? Or maybe changes are all for the good? Or maybe where I am right now has only been one tiny step on this road of changes? Ok, so anyone who's reading this is probably like huh? and very confused. I think I'm confusing myself. But I guess I do know what I'm saying...maybe. I'm just worried about some things lately. Trying to figure some stuff out. But I guess life is supposed to be confusing right? It's supposed to be hard and unfair and sometimes cruel. It's all just a part of the process of growing up and living life. So I guess I'll get over it? It'll just pass like everything else? I'm waiting to find out.

Give Me Patience

My mom gets her port and peg tube put in on Monday morning. My dad just called and told me and said that she didn't tell me because she doesn't want anyone to go up there. Only her and my dad. They will put them in and she should be able to come home that day....so I guess that's good. I still don't know when she will start chemo and radiation though.
I wrote a message to Ashlie trying to talk to her about everything. I don't like us not being friends. Other than Darbi, she is the closest friend I have ever had and it sucks to see it end like this. But she hasn't written me anything back yet and I don't know if she will. I hope she does. I want to know if she has anything to say. But atleast this morning she actually talked to me like normal...it's been quite a while since I've even gotten that from her. But I told Mrs. Ross on Monday that I won't be coming to her class anymore. She said that was fine. I just feel like Ashlie isn't coming in there because of me. Because I am too much of an inconvenience to her. I just wish she would write me back and talk to me about it all...but I've done all I can do. I've tried and now I can do nothing but sit back and wait to see if she cares enough about the friendship we had to even respond. I'm happy that she made everything right between her and her other friends. I just want to make sure things are right between us...even if that means she has decided that she just can't handle being my friend. Atleast her telling me that would be something. I'm just trying to be patient. With this and everything else that is going on.