It's been a tough day and I can't sleep. I'm still not really sure why I even write these blogs...they make me feel better somehow. I'm kind of in a "I'm losing everyone I care about" mood lately. I really just don't understand life right now or where I'm headed. I watched Cason this morning at my house cause I figured my mom would enjoy seeing him. She did enjoy it, but it just got me to thinking...she will never play with my babies. She'll never see me taking care of mine-feeding them, changing diapers, putting them to sleep...all that good stuff. She won't be there when I have questions about what I should do or what she did with us. I started to wonder if maybe she was thinking the same thing....
Amber fixed my mom's slowly growing hair and did her makeup for Easton's party. Everyone's been saying how she's been looking better lately, and I guess I started to believe it a little. But just getting dressed for the party made her tired today. The party was just next door and she was worn out before we ever got there and had to sit down with me carrying all her tubing. Carrying around an oxygen tank and a vacuum pump isn't the most fun thing in the world....you could see the way everyone looked at her. Staring at how small and frail she is now. How tired she looked. It was weird to see her anywhere but home. All she kept saying was, "When is he gonna open presents?" She just wanted to go home...so I found Amber and told her it was time. He opened them, we left, she went to bed....
Lately I've been having trouble remembering what she was like before she got sick. I see pictures and they don't look like her, but the way she is now isn't her either. I don't know what memory of my mother to try to hold onto. If I can't even remember what she was like before, how am I going to remember everything when she's gone? I'm afraid I'll forget. I'm afraid I won't remember how she moves, how she talks, how she looks. How do you hold onto it all? I've already forgotten how she used to be...I don't want to forget anymore. I don't know how to hold on...
I'm not sure how much time I have left with her. I find myself trying to balance time between a mother that I'm going to lose permanently, and a best friend who's moving half way across the world. I want to spend as much time with each of them as I can...it's just been so hard. I know how much time I have left with one, and the other is unpredictable. I'm not liking so much change....
I've been trying so hard to just trust in God. I know He's got a plan. I know He sees things that I can't and never will. I know all this in my head...it's just hard to see it sometimes when you feel like your whole world is being flipped around. I've given up things and changed what I believe He wanted me to. I'm trying my best and I know that He's blessed me for it. But I still have trouble understanding everything that's going on around me. I know He won't give me more than I can handle...but at the same time I feel like He has. I'm not strong enough on my own. Maybe He's wanting me to depend on Him a little more. I guess I'll just have to keep holding on and wait for this storm to be over.....God, please make it soon.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Lost
So I'm kinda lost right now... I thought I was getting things pretty planned out. I was getting so excited about the chance to go to tanzania, but I just don't know if I can do it. If I go, those 2 weeks will be amazing I know. But I will never be able to get them back. And I don't know if I'll be able to live with that. I thought the whole point of spacing out the chemo was so she wouldn't be so sick all the time, but she already can't get out of bed. I don't even know if she'll be able to make it to her radiation treatment today. It's really frustrating because I feel like I'm finally getting to the age where we can grow closer, only to realize that may never happen. I guess I just didn't expect it to all go downhill so quickly this time. I'm caught a little off guard. I missed my exit this morning just because I was too busy thinking about giving my passport money back. I don't want to see her go through all this again. She doesn't deserve it. If I go and she doesn't start feeling better, who will do things around the house? No one else is helping now so why would they then. The only way I get them to help is by bribing them or asking them when people are over so that they do it to make themselves look good. Can no one see how selfish they're being? I know they're hurting too, but I don't understand how they can say things and then act the way they do...If you love her you'll help. Don't say you want to spend more time with her and then never come home. Ugh...
Sunday, January 25, 2009
You are my hiding place
So my last post on this thing was in July...that's a pretty safe bet that no one will check this and read it.
I am frustrated beyond belief right now. I am at the point of tears with no way to hold them back. It's like everything is crumbling around me, but at the same time I know Christ is holding me in His hand. He'll never let me go and I know He has a plan for me, but I really wish I could just figure out what it is. Sometimes I think I know, but I'm never right.
Things with my mom are frustrating...to say the least. It's so hard to know how to feel exactly. You feel sad, but mad. Alone, yet blessed. Selfish, but oh so confused. Tired of waiting, and sick of watching it all slowly unfold. People who haven't been there don't know how to talk to you about it, and that's not there fault. But at the same time you just feel like it would be so much better to just have one person, just one, who kind of gets it. I mean cancer in a way is a blessing. Better than dying unexpectedly in a car crash. You have the time to say goodbye. But is any amount of time ever enough? Either way you are still going to have regrets of how time was spent. With her it's difficult to spend time together. You want alone time, you want memories to hold on to. But she works all day, comes home and does a few things around the house, then goes to bed super early. After her day she is drained. So really there is no time during the week. You want to talk and ask questions about things you don't know...but you don't want to ask them awkwardly like "Hey, you won't be here to tell me later so tell me now." You don't know how to talk, how to share, how to feel.
It's easy to get frustrated when friends talk about getting married or wanting to have kids when you know she won't be there to tell you how her pregnancies were, or how it was when she got married young. What it was like raising 6 kids and how she made it through. When you know she won't be there to make baby blankets for your children, or those goofy towel things that go on the refrigerator handles. I think it makes it harder when everyone tells you that you look like her or that you're like her in a lot of ways. I'm not trying to be proud or selfish or whatever, but I am more like her than anyone else. I look the most like her, I act the most like her, I think like her, I enjoy a lot of the same things she does. In fact, I wish I was even more like her. I want to learn more things from her, to find out more things about her life. But how do you ask? How do you ask her to teach you something when she knows you're only asking cause she's dying.
I want her to be a grandma for my kids. I want them to get to know her the way I know her.
Things just don't seem right. I've been doing pretty good, reading my bible everyday. I let go of my missions dream because I thought maybe I only wanted what someone else had. I wanted to be too much like them because of how wonderful their life seemed to be. But then today, hearing about a trip just felt like a tug at me heart. But I think I'm just mistaken. I can't be cut out for it. No one would support it anyway. And if I plan it and she goes downhill...I can't have that. Maybe it will always be just a dream...just something I'll hear stories about.
Then of course there's the boy. Sometimes I can't see myself ever being away from him...but some days I don't even know who he is. He just seems to get mad at me so easily, I don't know how to stay on his good side. He says he doesn't feel close to me anymore, and maybe he's right. He complains that I don't kiss him enough, we don't have enough couple time, and that he just doesn't feel like I really care about him sometimes. I don't know what he wants from me. I ask him and he doesn't know. Well if he doesn't, then how am I supposed to? I give him my reasons for the things I do but they are never good enough. I don't want to mess up again...but he doesn't seem to understand. He never seems to understand my feelings on anything. Not until way after the fact and we get in a fight. I want him to be a better christian so he can be the spiritual leader in the relationship, but he doesn't understand why it's the guys job. Some days I think that maybe he's not right for me...but I don't see anyone else out there who would be. But I need him. When she's gone, I'll need him and his family more than ever. It's not that I don't love him, I just wish he didn't get so mad at me. I just wish he would try to understand more sometimes. But other times he is wonderful, and I couldn't love him more. So I guess no relationship is perfect. I love him and we'll work out all the rest....I just wish he would support me in whatever I want to do. That's what I'm trying to do for him...I just want the same thing in return.
"You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble, and surround me with songs of deliverance."
-Psalm 32:7
I am frustrated beyond belief right now. I am at the point of tears with no way to hold them back. It's like everything is crumbling around me, but at the same time I know Christ is holding me in His hand. He'll never let me go and I know He has a plan for me, but I really wish I could just figure out what it is. Sometimes I think I know, but I'm never right.
Things with my mom are frustrating...to say the least. It's so hard to know how to feel exactly. You feel sad, but mad. Alone, yet blessed. Selfish, but oh so confused. Tired of waiting, and sick of watching it all slowly unfold. People who haven't been there don't know how to talk to you about it, and that's not there fault. But at the same time you just feel like it would be so much better to just have one person, just one, who kind of gets it. I mean cancer in a way is a blessing. Better than dying unexpectedly in a car crash. You have the time to say goodbye. But is any amount of time ever enough? Either way you are still going to have regrets of how time was spent. With her it's difficult to spend time together. You want alone time, you want memories to hold on to. But she works all day, comes home and does a few things around the house, then goes to bed super early. After her day she is drained. So really there is no time during the week. You want to talk and ask questions about things you don't know...but you don't want to ask them awkwardly like "Hey, you won't be here to tell me later so tell me now." You don't know how to talk, how to share, how to feel.
It's easy to get frustrated when friends talk about getting married or wanting to have kids when you know she won't be there to tell you how her pregnancies were, or how it was when she got married young. What it was like raising 6 kids and how she made it through. When you know she won't be there to make baby blankets for your children, or those goofy towel things that go on the refrigerator handles. I think it makes it harder when everyone tells you that you look like her or that you're like her in a lot of ways. I'm not trying to be proud or selfish or whatever, but I am more like her than anyone else. I look the most like her, I act the most like her, I think like her, I enjoy a lot of the same things she does. In fact, I wish I was even more like her. I want to learn more things from her, to find out more things about her life. But how do you ask? How do you ask her to teach you something when she knows you're only asking cause she's dying.
I want her to be a grandma for my kids. I want them to get to know her the way I know her.
Things just don't seem right. I've been doing pretty good, reading my bible everyday. I let go of my missions dream because I thought maybe I only wanted what someone else had. I wanted to be too much like them because of how wonderful their life seemed to be. But then today, hearing about a trip just felt like a tug at me heart. But I think I'm just mistaken. I can't be cut out for it. No one would support it anyway. And if I plan it and she goes downhill...I can't have that. Maybe it will always be just a dream...just something I'll hear stories about.
Then of course there's the boy. Sometimes I can't see myself ever being away from him...but some days I don't even know who he is. He just seems to get mad at me so easily, I don't know how to stay on his good side. He says he doesn't feel close to me anymore, and maybe he's right. He complains that I don't kiss him enough, we don't have enough couple time, and that he just doesn't feel like I really care about him sometimes. I don't know what he wants from me. I ask him and he doesn't know. Well if he doesn't, then how am I supposed to? I give him my reasons for the things I do but they are never good enough. I don't want to mess up again...but he doesn't seem to understand. He never seems to understand my feelings on anything. Not until way after the fact and we get in a fight. I want him to be a better christian so he can be the spiritual leader in the relationship, but he doesn't understand why it's the guys job. Some days I think that maybe he's not right for me...but I don't see anyone else out there who would be. But I need him. When she's gone, I'll need him and his family more than ever. It's not that I don't love him, I just wish he didn't get so mad at me. I just wish he would try to understand more sometimes. But other times he is wonderful, and I couldn't love him more. So I guess no relationship is perfect. I love him and we'll work out all the rest....I just wish he would support me in whatever I want to do. That's what I'm trying to do for him...I just want the same thing in return.
"You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble, and surround me with songs of deliverance."
-Psalm 32:7
Monday, July 7, 2008
Brokenhearted
Wow it's been a looooong time! I forgot I even had this thing!
So life has been pretty good. At the beginning of the summer I started a Beth Moore bible study called Breaking Free with my amazing friend, Darbi. I must admit that at the beginning it was really tough to get into it because each day takes atleast 30 min. I wasn't used to spending that much time with God as sad as that sounds...but after the first few days I really began to enjoy it and I feel like I've grown so much closer to God. You always hear that you need to read your Bible daily, and I've tried it but it's hard to find time. But I never knew just how big of a difference spending time with God everyday would make. He's amazing! I'm now beginning week 5 of the study and although somedays are hard to get through, I usually am excited about what I'm going to learn that day..I've never really been like that before! Well today's lesson was about mending broken hearts. "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted"-Isaiah 61:1. Just about everyone has had their heart broken in some way...and it is more painful than anyone can possibly describe. This lesson was a tough one because it's so hard to completely turn your heart over to God and let Him fix it...we just want to hold onto it and try to fix it ourselves. But the part of the lesson that was so amazing to me (Darbi pointed it out) is that when God applies pressure to our bleeding heart, the pain gets even worse. But then the bleeding stops. I thought I had turned my heart over to God, but during this lesson the pain in my heart was so bad I thought it was breaking again. Maybe that is God applying the pressure...or maybe I haven't fully given Him every piece of my heart yet. Either way, I know that for my broken heart to be healed, I have to give God all the pieces and trust that He will put it back together again and have it in better shape than I ever did on my own. God is so amazing....I don't know how I went so long just living to typical Christian life of going to church and that was it. God gave me life, so I am going to give my life back to Him. Sometimes it's hard to trust Him with it because, as humans, we like to be in control. But God can run our lives so much better than we can even imagine.
So I'm still pretty nervous about going off to school....but having gone down there twice with some friends and visiting the College Life House I'm less afraid than before. I know that there are some pretty amazing people there who only want to follow God with everything they have. I've seen how much my friends have grown since they've gotten there and I can't wait to grow like that! I already feel like I've learned some things just the two times I've gone there. On Sunday I did something that I would ordinarily never do! When I went to church at Rocky Point the preacher decided that he wasn't supposed to preach that day, so they passed microphones around and had ppl talk about how they'd been blessed. One little girl in the balcony stood up where I couldn't see her and asked for prayers for her mamma because she was having cancer surgery and she didn't know if she would make it. I knew exactly how that little girl felt...and I had this urge to talk with her. But this was the first time I had been to this church and I had no idea who the little girl was and I couldn't even see her. But after a while I decided I wanted to find her. So I asked my friend, Jake, if he knew her cause I wanted to talk to her. He didn't, but during the invitation we went up to the balcony to find her. We did and Jake told her we wanted to pray with her. I talked to her and found out that her mother, Shannon, was about to have her 3rd surgery and she was scared she wouldn't make it. Wow. My mom had 3 surgeries too and I was scared of the same thing. So I did something that I've only done one other time in my life...I prayed out loud! It was just her, Jake, and me (and anyone else who might have heard me), but I was soooo nervous! But I decided that I wouldn't let that stop me because I knew that all this wasn't just a coincidence....so I prayed the saddest excuse for a prayer that anyone has probably ever heard and stumbled over my words a lot! It really was pitiful lol. And the whole way back down the stairs my heart was still pounding...had I made a mistake in doing that? I really thought maybe I had...but then I decided that was just the devil trying to discourage me. I knew in my heart that I had done what God wanted, even if it wasn't the best prayer in the world. Jake knew I was nervous and he prayed with me after that and said that was a pretty cool thing I did. That made me feel a little bit better...God can work through people. I don't know if us going to talk to that girl made any difference in her day at all, but I still did what God asked. And I know I would have regretted it for a long time if I had ignored that feeling I had. I've never had a feeling quite like that! But don't get me wrong, none of what happened was because of me. God did it all. He never ceases to amaze me....
Ok I'm going to bed! Gnight!
So life has been pretty good. At the beginning of the summer I started a Beth Moore bible study called Breaking Free with my amazing friend, Darbi. I must admit that at the beginning it was really tough to get into it because each day takes atleast 30 min. I wasn't used to spending that much time with God as sad as that sounds...but after the first few days I really began to enjoy it and I feel like I've grown so much closer to God. You always hear that you need to read your Bible daily, and I've tried it but it's hard to find time. But I never knew just how big of a difference spending time with God everyday would make. He's amazing! I'm now beginning week 5 of the study and although somedays are hard to get through, I usually am excited about what I'm going to learn that day..I've never really been like that before! Well today's lesson was about mending broken hearts. "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted"-Isaiah 61:1. Just about everyone has had their heart broken in some way...and it is more painful than anyone can possibly describe. This lesson was a tough one because it's so hard to completely turn your heart over to God and let Him fix it...we just want to hold onto it and try to fix it ourselves. But the part of the lesson that was so amazing to me (Darbi pointed it out) is that when God applies pressure to our bleeding heart, the pain gets even worse. But then the bleeding stops. I thought I had turned my heart over to God, but during this lesson the pain in my heart was so bad I thought it was breaking again. Maybe that is God applying the pressure...or maybe I haven't fully given Him every piece of my heart yet. Either way, I know that for my broken heart to be healed, I have to give God all the pieces and trust that He will put it back together again and have it in better shape than I ever did on my own. God is so amazing....I don't know how I went so long just living to typical Christian life of going to church and that was it. God gave me life, so I am going to give my life back to Him. Sometimes it's hard to trust Him with it because, as humans, we like to be in control. But God can run our lives so much better than we can even imagine.
So I'm still pretty nervous about going off to school....but having gone down there twice with some friends and visiting the College Life House I'm less afraid than before. I know that there are some pretty amazing people there who only want to follow God with everything they have. I've seen how much my friends have grown since they've gotten there and I can't wait to grow like that! I already feel like I've learned some things just the two times I've gone there. On Sunday I did something that I would ordinarily never do! When I went to church at Rocky Point the preacher decided that he wasn't supposed to preach that day, so they passed microphones around and had ppl talk about how they'd been blessed. One little girl in the balcony stood up where I couldn't see her and asked for prayers for her mamma because she was having cancer surgery and she didn't know if she would make it. I knew exactly how that little girl felt...and I had this urge to talk with her. But this was the first time I had been to this church and I had no idea who the little girl was and I couldn't even see her. But after a while I decided I wanted to find her. So I asked my friend, Jake, if he knew her cause I wanted to talk to her. He didn't, but during the invitation we went up to the balcony to find her. We did and Jake told her we wanted to pray with her. I talked to her and found out that her mother, Shannon, was about to have her 3rd surgery and she was scared she wouldn't make it. Wow. My mom had 3 surgeries too and I was scared of the same thing. So I did something that I've only done one other time in my life...I prayed out loud! It was just her, Jake, and me (and anyone else who might have heard me), but I was soooo nervous! But I decided that I wouldn't let that stop me because I knew that all this wasn't just a coincidence....so I prayed the saddest excuse for a prayer that anyone has probably ever heard and stumbled over my words a lot! It really was pitiful lol. And the whole way back down the stairs my heart was still pounding...had I made a mistake in doing that? I really thought maybe I had...but then I decided that was just the devil trying to discourage me. I knew in my heart that I had done what God wanted, even if it wasn't the best prayer in the world. Jake knew I was nervous and he prayed with me after that and said that was a pretty cool thing I did. That made me feel a little bit better...God can work through people. I don't know if us going to talk to that girl made any difference in her day at all, but I still did what God asked. And I know I would have regretted it for a long time if I had ignored that feeling I had. I've never had a feeling quite like that! But don't get me wrong, none of what happened was because of me. God did it all. He never ceases to amaze me....
Ok I'm going to bed! Gnight!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Happiness
What does happiness really consist of? Having everything you want or having everything go your way? Of is it just knowing that in the end, God will be there and everything will work out ok? Sometimes I just can't seem to find the happiness I'm looking for...at times I just feel like even though I know God is there, I can't smile and feel ok and know that it's all alright. I go through times like this a lot, and most of the time I wonder if there's not something wrong with me. No one else seems to go through this quite as often as me. I'm not saying I'm never happy and that I can't see the good in life at times...it's just that most of the time, all I see are the bad things. I've been called pessimistic and told that I'm just one of those people who always see the glass as half empty, but that's not what I want. I want to be like those people who always see the good in life, who always have a reason to celebrate because even though things are bad they know that God is right there by their side. I know that He's here, but sometimes it's just hard to really feel Him. It's like I know it in my head but just can't feel it in my heart sometimes. I look around me and see good things, but my mind just lets the bad outweigh it all. Or I always find a bad side to the good. Why can't I just be happy and satisfied for once in my life? Why can't I just be the daughter and the friend that others need me to be? Why am I constantly focused on the things on my plate right here, right now? Could it be that I've got too many things on my plate? It can't be, because I know others have way more to deal with and think about....but I still feel this weight pushing down on me most of the time and I just can't seem to get rid of it. It really is like the saying, I feel like I've got the world on my shoulders. But more like in my chest...and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
trust
So I'm bored...and just felt like writing. I've been thinking a lot about some things and just wanted to sort through it all I guess. Lately I've been thinking a lot about how quickly things change, or can change. You just never know what is going to happen to you or those around you. I've never thought too much into it before, and honestly it scares me. Things can change in an instant and your whole life can be changed, for the better or for worse. Nothing and no one is safe. Maybe change scares me so much because I've lived in a fairly small town (although it's growing) my entire life. I've lived in the same house and gone to the same school district for 18 years. Change has just never been my thing. It upsets me easily and I guess a lot of people don't understand that. Maybe I'm just emotional...I don't know. Most have been through a lot of changes, but even the small things get me. It's a little frustrating at times. I'm realizing everyday just how much closer I am to a lot of things changing and although I'm ready (to an extent), I'm also slightly worried...ok, maybe more than slightly. I'm ready to see what I can do out there away from the things I've been accustomed to my whole life, but I also want everything to stay the same. But then when I think about it not much in my life has been constant except for the fact that I've lived in the same place with the same parents and gone to the same school. Over the years the people I have hung around with have varied, the people I've lived with have changed, and my thoughts about a lot of things have just been altered. In my own personal opinion, I've changed a lot over the past year or two. And at times I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad one. I guess some is good, and some isn't so good. And who knows how I'll change next year...it's just go me to thinking. Next year I'll be with some of my good friends, but I'll also be leaving some others. I know I won't talk to anyone from high school once I'm gone cause I don't talk to any of them outside of school now. All my friends are older than me. But some of them are getting married soon. Others are moving halfway across the world. And if that's not a big change then I don't know what is. Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy for all my friends and anything good they've got going for them...it's just going to be different. And hard. But God has a plan for everything right? And if you try your best to follow Him He will work everything out right? But it still scares me. I'm just not good with change...not good with losing people. But I guess I'm not really losing them, but it still won't be the same. And I know that some people think that I'm not talking to them...and not hanging around them. And I think that they may think it's because I've got a new person in my life that I have been spending a lot of time with. But that's not really the reason. Because honestly, I'm not talking to him either. He gets mad at me too. The real reason, I'm trying to distance myself to make it all easier. I'm not sure if that makes any sense...but to me it does. If I don't get close to people, if I don't let them in, then I can't get hurt. Or atleast it hurts a little less. And maybe that's selfish, now that I think about it I guess it's really selfish, but I don't know what else to do. I'm just trying to make things easier....that's why I'm not letting him in either. Yeah, I still spend a lot of time with him, but I won't talk to him like he wants me to. I'm afraid to let him in because you never know what is going to happen. Things change too quickly in this life. How do I know how long he'll be here? I don't. So I don't want to get too close....and again I feel that I'm being selfish. That's not fair at all. Not to anyone. You know, that's why I like writing these blogs. It helps me to sort through everything. I didn't even think about the fact that I was being selfish until now...but at the same time I still don't want to give in. To anyone. This is pretty frustrating....Idk. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want people to think I'm just pushing them away. I don't want to push them away...but I don't know how else to handle it. I guess this just all has to do with my problem with change. I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that I'm terrified of change. And terrified of getting hurt...but if you don't get too close you can't get hurt. And maybe if I back away now from those I have let in some, then it will hurt atleast a little less. Maybe my thinking process is just all screwed up...hmph. It's just that you never know what can happen. I know I already said this and I think I'm just repeating myself on a lot of things but I'm just thinking and writing down my thoughts so I don't care. How do I know someone around me won't get deathly ill? Won't die in a car wreck? Won't move away? Won't just decide they've got better friends? Won't decide they don't need me? I don't. So it's not safe to get too close. Not for anyone. No one is safe. And who's to say if you do let them in they won't just think you're crazy? Maybe if you let them in they will decide they don't like what they see? Then what have you got? Nothing. Maybe I'm just thinking way too much into everything....but this is what I do. I always go through the "what if's". What if something happens? My mind just wanders too much I guess...but I can't help it. And I'm tired of people making promises they can't keep. Don't tell me always...you can't know that. You can't make that promise. Not one of you. So please don't. It just upsets me more. But then again I'm just a little too emotional and too analytical....Maybe what I'm really afraid of is trust. I just don't know how to trust anyone completely...not even my closest of friends. Trust sucks. Hmph. This thinking is getting me nowhere. All it did was make me more frustrated with myself....
Sunday, January 13, 2008
catching up
Wow...so it's been over a month since I've blogged on here! Crazy. Just nothing too exciting to write about I guess...but I guess I can find something to talk about.
Hmm...I'm learning even more each day just how blessed I am when it comes to friends. God has given me some pretty great ones that I know I could count on for just about anything, if only I chose to. Each one is different and amazing in their own way. Yet there are others I wish I could be closer too again....but beggars can't be choosers. It's actually kinda crazy to me because I'm not the type of person who had a lot of friends their whole life. I've always been kind of a loner and kept to myself. Sure, I'd talk to plenty of people at school, but never outside. I never went and hung out with friends like other kids did. Now I find myself surrounded with friends. It's pretty crazy for me to think about. At times I feel like I'm not a good enough friend to them...not like they are to me. I really don't deserve them.
I'm also learning each day just how much I need God. It seems I always put Him to the test and see how far I can push it before something happens. For the first time in my life I went atleast 2 months without talking to Him. It's not that I "wasn't speaking to Him," I just didn't ever talk to Him. I still went to church, I still acted fine, but I quit reading and praying and pretty much just gave it up. I'm still not completely sure why I did. I'm still trying to work through it and figure out what I'm feeling exactly. In a way I feel like I was mad at Him, but at the same time I wasn't. I'm sure that's what people would think and although they would tell me I shouldn't be they would also understand why I would be. But I'm not so sure that's it. I guess that's part of it. I mean I watched my mother grow progressively worse every single day. I honestly don't think any of my friends saw her at her worst. They were never around at that time. And when they were she was sleeping. If they had, they might have been able to atleast get a little grip on what I was feeling. But they didn't, and they can't. Even now. So maybe I was a little mad at God. But maybe it was also that I just felt like I couldn't trust Him anymore. Because at that point I didn't see how things could get better. I couldn't see how anything good would come from it. When you get that low you can't see past tomorrow. I can now, but not then. I just didn't understand how He could allow her to go through that. How He could sit back and watch His child suffer so. But I guess He knows what He's doing huh? Of course he does...but I can't see it, so it's hard to trust Him. I felt like He was letting me down, and He was letting her down. I mean if I love her this much and it kills me to see it, then how can the God of the universe watch His very own creation go through that. But then again He is the God of the universe right? He watched his Son die. Why wouldn't he be able to watch others suffer. Even if He does love them...He can see all the puzzle pieces, I can only see this one. This little one that holds my little world. What do I know? But I still felt let down. I was too hurt to see anything else. So I pushed Him away...just like I do everyone else. And I can say now that that is the dumbest move a person can make. And even though He gave me so many oppurtunities to just stop and let it out and talk to Him, I couldn't. No matter what I did or how bad I felt, I just couldn't bring myself to slow down and do it. Instead I tried to go faster. Tried to make sure I didn't have time to myself to stop and think. If I was alone, I asked someone to go do something. If it was quiet, I turned up the radio. Solitude and quiet I just wouldn't allow. Oh how stupid I was. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't open up to Him..it was like something was holding me down. Putting a hand over my mouth. Making me run faster. And if someone tried to talk to me about it, I quickly changed to subject. I became an expert at escaping. All I can say now is that I'm glad my God is a loving God who forgives no matter what. I'm not saying I'm completely over the feelings I had, because I'm not. But I'm not hiding from God anymore. And I still feel bad because I feel like I'm only surfacing while the weather's good...what happens if it turns stormy again? Will I be able to handle it, or will pull myself away again? I want to say I'm better now and that God and I are closer than ever, but that would be a lie. I want that to be true, but at this point it's not. But I'm working my way in that direction. I'm talking to Him. And just doing that feels so good. It's indescribable, but I'm still not satisfied. Things aren't back to normal, and even if they were I still wouldn't be happy. Because I want things to be better than good. I want to be able to lean on God and trust Him no matter what may be thrown my way. I want to be able to follow Him without thinking twice and be happy about what He's accomplishing through me. Now that might not ever happen, but it's a goal. And with God anything is possible right?
Ok, so a blog just to catch up because I haven't written in a while turned into me spilling my guts to the world (or just the few who actually read my blog). Not what I intended on writing about but....oh well? I could copy it to myspace and make it private...but then I just make friends mad and I just finished saying how blessed I am to have them right? So let's not tick them off....
Hmm...I'm learning even more each day just how blessed I am when it comes to friends. God has given me some pretty great ones that I know I could count on for just about anything, if only I chose to. Each one is different and amazing in their own way. Yet there are others I wish I could be closer too again....but beggars can't be choosers. It's actually kinda crazy to me because I'm not the type of person who had a lot of friends their whole life. I've always been kind of a loner and kept to myself. Sure, I'd talk to plenty of people at school, but never outside. I never went and hung out with friends like other kids did. Now I find myself surrounded with friends. It's pretty crazy for me to think about. At times I feel like I'm not a good enough friend to them...not like they are to me. I really don't deserve them.
I'm also learning each day just how much I need God. It seems I always put Him to the test and see how far I can push it before something happens. For the first time in my life I went atleast 2 months without talking to Him. It's not that I "wasn't speaking to Him," I just didn't ever talk to Him. I still went to church, I still acted fine, but I quit reading and praying and pretty much just gave it up. I'm still not completely sure why I did. I'm still trying to work through it and figure out what I'm feeling exactly. In a way I feel like I was mad at Him, but at the same time I wasn't. I'm sure that's what people would think and although they would tell me I shouldn't be they would also understand why I would be. But I'm not so sure that's it. I guess that's part of it. I mean I watched my mother grow progressively worse every single day. I honestly don't think any of my friends saw her at her worst. They were never around at that time. And when they were she was sleeping. If they had, they might have been able to atleast get a little grip on what I was feeling. But they didn't, and they can't. Even now. So maybe I was a little mad at God. But maybe it was also that I just felt like I couldn't trust Him anymore. Because at that point I didn't see how things could get better. I couldn't see how anything good would come from it. When you get that low you can't see past tomorrow. I can now, but not then. I just didn't understand how He could allow her to go through that. How He could sit back and watch His child suffer so. But I guess He knows what He's doing huh? Of course he does...but I can't see it, so it's hard to trust Him. I felt like He was letting me down, and He was letting her down. I mean if I love her this much and it kills me to see it, then how can the God of the universe watch His very own creation go through that. But then again He is the God of the universe right? He watched his Son die. Why wouldn't he be able to watch others suffer. Even if He does love them...He can see all the puzzle pieces, I can only see this one. This little one that holds my little world. What do I know? But I still felt let down. I was too hurt to see anything else. So I pushed Him away...just like I do everyone else. And I can say now that that is the dumbest move a person can make. And even though He gave me so many oppurtunities to just stop and let it out and talk to Him, I couldn't. No matter what I did or how bad I felt, I just couldn't bring myself to slow down and do it. Instead I tried to go faster. Tried to make sure I didn't have time to myself to stop and think. If I was alone, I asked someone to go do something. If it was quiet, I turned up the radio. Solitude and quiet I just wouldn't allow. Oh how stupid I was. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't open up to Him..it was like something was holding me down. Putting a hand over my mouth. Making me run faster. And if someone tried to talk to me about it, I quickly changed to subject. I became an expert at escaping. All I can say now is that I'm glad my God is a loving God who forgives no matter what. I'm not saying I'm completely over the feelings I had, because I'm not. But I'm not hiding from God anymore. And I still feel bad because I feel like I'm only surfacing while the weather's good...what happens if it turns stormy again? Will I be able to handle it, or will pull myself away again? I want to say I'm better now and that God and I are closer than ever, but that would be a lie. I want that to be true, but at this point it's not. But I'm working my way in that direction. I'm talking to Him. And just doing that feels so good. It's indescribable, but I'm still not satisfied. Things aren't back to normal, and even if they were I still wouldn't be happy. Because I want things to be better than good. I want to be able to lean on God and trust Him no matter what may be thrown my way. I want to be able to follow Him without thinking twice and be happy about what He's accomplishing through me. Now that might not ever happen, but it's a goal. And with God anything is possible right?
Ok, so a blog just to catch up because I haven't written in a while turned into me spilling my guts to the world (or just the few who actually read my blog). Not what I intended on writing about but....oh well? I could copy it to myspace and make it private...but then I just make friends mad and I just finished saying how blessed I am to have them right? So let's not tick them off....
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