Conspiracy

"Explain to me, this conspiracy against me." Why have these lyrics just popped into my head? And why do they seem to have this truth behind them lately? Things are frustrating me a lot. I just don't understand things. Why people are the way they are. Do you not want anything good for me? Am I not allowed to have any other friends besides you? Even though you really aren't a very good one? And I want to say something to you so badly...but I know that no good would come of it. And I hate how I keep getting blamed for everything. It's not my fault. When he told me did he not expect that things would be a little awkward? Did he think nothing would change? Last time it didn't so much, but that's because he was here and I saw him all the time. This time it's different. He is an hr away and I never see him...so I'm sorry if I don't talk to him as much as I used to. I'm sorry that things change. I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

Someone shoot me please. The thing that's saddest to me is that I'm getting so used to disappointment that this didn't bother me quite as much as it would've not long ago. It's like things going wrong is expected. Like that's what I plan on happening everytime something starts out pretty good. I know in the back of my mind that it won't last long and I subconsiously prepare myself for it before it ever happens. I'm not saying it doesn't still suck really bad and that it doesn't bother me at all. Just not as bad as it would have just a couple of months ago. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be.

I was getting over and past a lot of things. I was ok with not really having any friends here because I will be going to Tarleton next yr and I have my friends there. But now I'm not so sure. Do I really have any real friends anywhere? Well I know not in high school. And I know not at Tarleton. But I guess I've got some. Too bad I'll be leaving them next yr...this blows.

I wish that I could say it's ok and everything will turn out fine. But I can't. I thought I had everything planned out for next yr. But I don't. I don't know how things will go. I don't know if things will work. I know they won't if things keep going like this. I can't live with you if you are going to act like this. But honestly, I'm not too worried about that. I can make it on my own. I can live on my own. I've made it this far without you, so what makes you think I need you. I don't. So no, I never said this about him. You read it wrong. But I'm saying it about you now. You are just too full of yourself. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of you thinking everything is about you. It's not. Life's not about you. So get over it.

On a different note....I've been feeling bad about some things lately. Like how I really don't spend that much time with my mom. I mean it's just really hard. I'm always at school or practice or church. And when I'm home all she does is sleep...or watch tv while falling asleep. So I don't know how I can really spend time with her. I hate this. It sucks.

Love (just because I'm being forced)

I love autumn

I love basketball season and the feelings it brings

I love my mom's cooking

I love Sunday lunches that cook in the oven for hours

I love sleeping in my parent's bed

I love how even though it's no different, it just feels so much better

I love forts made from sheets, chairs, and fans

I love learning how to land your first flip on the trampoline

I love my purple koala bear bicycle

I love electric blankets

I love reading in my bed covered with blankets

I love the smells of fall

I love falling asleep on my mom's lap in the church pew

I love picnics down by the creek

I love walking through open fields

I love thunderstorms (as long as they don't make my house leak)

I love getting rides on the dirtbike out at the farm

I love the toy box at Pappy's house

I love bike rides

I love playing in the rain

I love exploring the creek and catching tiny frogs

I love playing football in the yard with my brothers

I love little neighbor kids that come over just to jump on your trampoline

I love how they were never allowed inside because dad was sleeping

I love playing cops and robbers

I love checking to see if the chickens laid any eggs that day

I love playing school and being the teacher

I love roasting marshmallows

I love baking cookies

I love when everyone comes out for Christmas Eve and stays through Christmas Day

I love decorating the tree

I love eating cheese balls and drinking mom's special punch

I love picking out which gift to open on Christmas Eve

I love getting to lick the bowl

I love watching mom do the twist on the kitchen floor

I love the oldies she always played while sewing

I love cattle sales and the way you always come out smelling worse than the cows

I love Easter at Grannan's house

I love making a pillow wall because you're scared something's going to get you

I love believing that the pillows will actually protect you

I love believing all the crazy things my brothers told me

I love telling my little brother things and him actually believing me

I love singing along to Barney because I still know all the words

I love sitting on the feed car under the shade tree

I love Lion King and Pocahontas shirts

I love running races where everyone has jingle bells on their shoes

I love long hot baths

I love passing out hymnals to the little old ladies at the nursing home

I love how the old ladies think you are the cutest thing they've ever seen

I love quotes that just seem to fit

I love story time at the library

I love VBS

I love the jingle jangle jamboree

I love playing in the little bit of snow we get around here

I love hoodies

I love camping not too far away from my house

I love carrying in my dad's vest for him when he gets home

I love getting his radio for him when he's about to leave

I love singing as loud as I want in the car

I love driving by myself and just listening to the radio

I love songs that remind you of specific times in your life

I love my Christina Aguilera CD

I love old photo albums

I love my mom's teddy bear necklace

I love going to Dairy Twin for ice cream after every basketball game

I love coaches that don't get mad at you

I love Brent biting the dog and getting a mouth full of fur because it bit him first

I love the old farm truck

I love playing hide and seek and never getting found

I love drawing just cause I'm in the mood to

I love coloring books

I love my angel

I love sunflower bear and how someone pulled her out once again

I love my Beauty and the Beast book from Grannan

I love staying at her house and making foil picture things

I love the way she sent me a Valentine

I love cousins who let you play with them even though you're really too young

I love swingsets

I love old houses

I love buying crafts to do together

I love trying to learn how to crochet

I love drawing pictures on fabric and then sewing them

I love wood stoves that heat up entire houses

I love playing on organs and messing with all the different sounds

I love crawling under the house

I love massages

I love going through old things

I love children's choir

I love the smell of the air conditioner when you first turn it on

I love playing on the trampoline with the water hose

I love how I always manage to burn no matter how much sunscreen I have on

I love rocking chairs

I love writing private blogs that no one can read

I love having an older and wiser best friend

I love how she's always there for me

I love Phyllis's cinnamon rolls shaped into Christmas symbols

I love candy cane shakes

I love Heather coming down and calling me first thing to come over

I love doing crafts at Dee's house with her

I love going to girl scout day camp when I'm not even a girl scout

I love Halloween candy

I love coming home and trading what we got

I love arguing over who gets to dye the next Easter egg

I love coloring the face on the pumpkin because mom says it will last longer this way

I love playing gin rummy with Carlos

I love others faces after you do something for them

I love grocery shopping with my mom on Saturdays before everyone else is up

I love how Byron still calls me a boy to this day

I love wearing t-shirts

I love optimistic people trying to change my pessimistic ways

I love people who are just too nice

I love scrapbooks and the memories they bring back

I love taking pictures

I love making Christmas lists of things I know I won't get

I love yummy smelling candles

I love God and how He's always there

I love putting on clothes straight from the dryer

I love the friends who are really there for you

I love watching other people's fireworks from the trampoline

I love the feeling you get during a race

I love knowing you did something right

I love antique shopping

I love that half the things I see I have at my house already

I love Mickey Mud Turtle

I love looking through my mom's things

I love running to mom when I have a nightmare

I love going to her and pretending I had one just so I can sleep in her bed

I love random notes of encouragement

I love Bible verses that hit you right in the head

I love taking naps on Sunday afternoons

I love how this is so long

I love Erika and Darbi for making me do this

I love how this is probably not what they meant

I love how I don't really care!

hate

It's amazing how many people I hate these days. I know it's not healthy or even right to hate people as much as I do these select few, but I just can't help it. How can you people do the things you do? How could I have been so naive and not seen it before? Why are you tearing things apart? Why are there so few people in this world that I can stand? Seriously...some days I wonder if maybe I'm the one who's got the problem. Because how come I always find things wrong with everyone else. Isn't it more likely that it's just me? Things are just so frustrating right now.

I hate how people tell you they will be there for you and abandon you. Time and time again it happens and time and time again someone is hurt because of it. I hate how all of a sudden when everything comes out I have such a hatred for you and what you did. Look what you did to him. And I honestly see it as your fault. I always wondered what caused it and now I've finally gotten my answer. But now I wish I never knew. I don't want to hate you, but I do. And even more so for everything that you are fixing to cause, whether or not you really planned for it to go this way.

I hate how I'm fine when I don't see you. I hate how I can just look past it and pretend like it's ok and it doesn't matter anymore. And then every single time I see you I feel this hatred grow inside of me. How can I hate someone this much? How could you do what you did? How can you be so selfish and self-centered and such a coward? I hate you so much and I wish I never had to see you again.

I hate how people can be so incredibly selfish. They can see what needs to be done but leave it for someone else. They only want to do it if someone sees that they are. I know I'm not perfect and I like to be praised for what I do, who doesn't? But I do do things sometimes just because I know I should and that it shouldn't matter if anyone notices. Because it shouldn't. But you are too self-centered and lazy to do anything and I hate you for it.

I seem to be on a hate rampage and I know that it's probably wrong to say all of this. But it's honestly how I feel. But I never said that I didn't love some of these people too. Because some of them I do, but I hate them at the same time. Trust me, it's possible. But I'm not finished yet. I'm not done ranting and raving about the things and people that I hate. There's one more person who's yet to make the list.

I hate how frustrated you always get. I hate how you get so angry and you mostly just keep it inside and don't let it out. I hate how it's come to the point that you really don't have anyone you can trust. Only one. I hate how your life seems to be crashing down around you. I hate how you are so weak and you can't go long without crying. I hate that all you do is complain when someone has to have it worse than you. I hate how you can't just figure out what you want to do with your life. I hate how you can't just be satisfied with life. I hate that you feel so alone most of the time. I hate the mistakes you've made and how you really haven't learned much from them. I hate that no matter how hard you try nothing ever goes right in your eyes. I hate how you are starting to just let everything go. I hate that you are so ready to get away yet you are too terrified to leave. But most of all, I hate that no matter what happens, you can never just be happy.

Hmph

Hmm...it's been a while huh? Just busy I guess...and avoiding sitting down and making myself think about things going on. Cause that's what I do when I sit down to write these blogs, just think about everything that's in my mind but I tend to push to the back sometimes. I just don't want to think too much into things some days. But today I have been, and to be honest a lot of things are scaring me and making me worry about life and the future. There are just too many things that aren't for certain. Too many things that could change in a instant that could turn everything upside down. Too many things that have already turned everything upside down. I don't know what's going to happen in the here and now and in the near future and sometimes I'm just worried that I can't handle it. I'm scared that I won't be able to make it through everything. I mean sure I'll make it through, but will I be who I want to be after the fact? I know that just in this past half a year I have changed a lot. Sometimes I think for the better, other times I'm not so sure. Maybe things would be better as they were before? Or maybe changes are all for the good? Or maybe where I am right now has only been one tiny step on this road of changes? Ok, so anyone who's reading this is probably like huh? and very confused. I think I'm confusing myself. But I guess I do know what I'm saying...maybe. I'm just worried about some things lately. Trying to figure some stuff out. But I guess life is supposed to be confusing right? It's supposed to be hard and unfair and sometimes cruel. It's all just a part of the process of growing up and living life. So I guess I'll get over it? It'll just pass like everything else? I'm waiting to find out.

Give Me Patience

My mom gets her port and peg tube put in on Monday morning. My dad just called and told me and said that she didn't tell me because she doesn't want anyone to go up there. Only her and my dad. They will put them in and she should be able to come home that day....so I guess that's good. I still don't know when she will start chemo and radiation though.
I wrote a message to Ashlie trying to talk to her about everything. I don't like us not being friends. Other than Darbi, she is the closest friend I have ever had and it sucks to see it end like this. But she hasn't written me anything back yet and I don't know if she will. I hope she does. I want to know if she has anything to say. But atleast this morning she actually talked to me like normal...it's been quite a while since I've even gotten that from her. But I told Mrs. Ross on Monday that I won't be coming to her class anymore. She said that was fine. I just feel like Ashlie isn't coming in there because of me. Because I am too much of an inconvenience to her. I just wish she would write me back and talk to me about it all...but I've done all I can do. I've tried and now I can do nothing but sit back and wait to see if she cares enough about the friendship we had to even respond. I'm happy that she made everything right between her and her other friends. I just want to make sure things are right between us...even if that means she has decided that she just can't handle being my friend. Atleast her telling me that would be something. I'm just trying to be patient. With this and everything else that is going on.

Somedays Just Suck

My mom had 3 doctors appointments today. She got her stitches removed and then got all of the results about the things they removed. She is going to have radiation and 2 types of chemo for 7 1/2 weeks. Radiation will be five days a week and chemo will be one. She won't start all of it until she goes to see an oral surgeon because the chemo may mess up her teeth if any are brittle. They are going to put in a port for the chemo and and she will also be getting a feeding tube because they think she will lose too much weight. After all of the chemo and radiation are done they will use cyberknife to be sure everything is gone. They said that in that side of your neck and face you have 37 lymph nodes and they removed all of them. 27 were cancerous. They took blood today and did all kinds of things. They have to go to a class about chemo next week sometime and she still has a lot of appointments. My dad said that they basically threw everything at her today and knocked her off her feet. She is really scared, but she doesn't really show it.

I picked up Easton from daycare again today and I have to get him tomorrow also. I didn't go to Brent's game because it would have been too hard with him. My dad went straight to the game because they thought it was only an hour long and had already missed 30 min, but my mom got too tired and I had to go pick her up and help her to the car. Then I went to get pizza for everyone and when I got back Grandma and Pappy were here. They were just stopping through on their way back from San Antonio. My mom is going to try to go to Freaky Friday at school with me tomorrow if she's not too tired. It's a half day but she is going to have my dad go and walk around with Brent so she can leave when she gets too tired. I told her she doesn't have to go but she is going to try anyway since it is my last year. We'll just have to see what happens.

It's amazing how hard it is for me to get over things. I try to not let it bother me and when I don't see them it doesn't. But when I am around them I just can't take it. I feel angry but more than anything just hurt. And it frustrates me so badly that I can't just drop it and forget it like she apparently has. But when I pull in the parking lot in the mornings and they get out and are all matching because we are supposed to dress up for homecoming week, it sucks. I can understand them not including me because I wasn't really close to them anyway. But I included you in everything I did and with my other friends, but yet you leave me out of yours and everything you do. It's frustrating. You talk to me when it's just me and you. But if I'm around you and them I'm completely ignored. That's why I haven't attempted to dress up. That's why you are all at the high school for the senior tradition of beating the drum and staying there all night long and I'm sitting here at home. Because I know that if I went I would be ignored. You would act like I didn't exist. And then I stop at chicken e to get a dr pepper for my mom and your friends happen to be there and I wave and they act like they don't see me. And I hate that I can't just drop this. I hate that it hurts me that badly to see you with them. I hate that I had to leave yearbook and go sit in Coach Groom's empty class with him because I couldn't sit in there and watch the two of you ignore me. And the thing is you don't even seem to care. Why does this get to me so much? When I'm not around you it's just whatever because I don't have to face the fact that you dropped me. But when I'm at school it's shoved in my face daily as soon as I pull up. Man I just want to forget that I ever trusted you or thought that you were a good friend. And the thing is you were. But that's just it. You were a good friend.

So to put things lightly today wasn't such a great day. Everything just seemed to go wrong. I had to run an 800 in athletics and almost died because I am so out of shape. I hate that I've gained so much weight the past few months. I want to lose it so badly. I have seriously put on about 20 lbs since I didn't run track last year. So frustrating. But I guess I've complained and rambled enough for one night huh? I've got to go read some history packet for english anyway..

Farm House

So I haven't written a blog in a while and I am taking a break from my English paper. Procrastinating actually. My mom came home from the hospital on Thursday and is doing very well. We won't get results from everything they removed until next Thursday...she has to go see 3 different doctors that day. Just more waiting.

Ashlie got baptized this morning. Her family and some of her friends came. I'm really curious to see if she continues to come to church. I really hope she does. It's amazing to me how quickly people stop talking when their old friends take them back. The same ones that ditched her in the first place. It's crazy how easily someone can forgive people who treated them like they were nothing and then turn their back on the one who was there when their "best friends" dropped them. I guess I just don't get the thinking that goes on throughout all of this. But it will be ok. I've got other friends. Maybe I don't see them on a daily basis and I don't go to high school with them, but they are my best friends and I know that they will not completely drop me for friends who ditched them. But I wish you the best of luck if your old friends are what make you happy. I'm sorry I wasn't a good enough friend to you. I thought I was. I tried to be.

I stayed with Coco at her dorm Friday night. We went to the Cross Country meet the next morning and watched Brent run. We ate lunch with Lindsay and then went back to her house and looked at all of her wedding stuff. Then Coco's parents took us to find my grandpa's farm near Hico. It turns out it is about 25 minutes away from Tarleton and my grandpa said that Coco and I can live there while we go to school. He isn't going to charge us rent or utilities or anything. The house needs some fixing up but it is big and sits on 170 acres. We will get to help fix it up and we will have our own house! For free! It has 5 bedrooms, a living room, kitchen, and 1 bath. The bathroom even has a claw foot tub! The place is real old and I love it! We are sooooo excited! We won't have to pay for a dorm or a meal plan since we will have a kitchen. This will make college so much cheaper. But it's kinda scary out there and the rooms are big so we are planning on sharing one room. We can have others live with us but we don't know anyone. My grandpa said no boys so it will just be us girls living in an old farm house in the middle of nowhere! Man I'm excited. I was worried about where I should go to school and everything but it seems like God is paving the way and everything is just falling into place. I am so ready to graduate now! It's crazy because until now I have been afraid to graduate and now I am really excited!

So this is what's going on for now. I guess I should get back to my paper...I've procrastinated long enough!