catching up

Wow...so it's been over a month since I've blogged on here! Crazy. Just nothing too exciting to write about I guess...but I guess I can find something to talk about.

Hmm...I'm learning even more each day just how blessed I am when it comes to friends. God has given me some pretty great ones that I know I could count on for just about anything, if only I chose to. Each one is different and amazing in their own way. Yet there are others I wish I could be closer too again....but beggars can't be choosers. It's actually kinda crazy to me because I'm not the type of person who had a lot of friends their whole life. I've always been kind of a loner and kept to myself. Sure, I'd talk to plenty of people at school, but never outside. I never went and hung out with friends like other kids did. Now I find myself surrounded with friends. It's pretty crazy for me to think about. At times I feel like I'm not a good enough friend to them...not like they are to me. I really don't deserve them.

I'm also learning each day just how much I need God. It seems I always put Him to the test and see how far I can push it before something happens. For the first time in my life I went atleast 2 months without talking to Him. It's not that I "wasn't speaking to Him," I just didn't ever talk to Him. I still went to church, I still acted fine, but I quit reading and praying and pretty much just gave it up. I'm still not completely sure why I did. I'm still trying to work through it and figure out what I'm feeling exactly. In a way I feel like I was mad at Him, but at the same time I wasn't. I'm sure that's what people would think and although they would tell me I shouldn't be they would also understand why I would be. But I'm not so sure that's it. I guess that's part of it. I mean I watched my mother grow progressively worse every single day. I honestly don't think any of my friends saw her at her worst. They were never around at that time. And when they were she was sleeping. If they had, they might have been able to atleast get a little grip on what I was feeling. But they didn't, and they can't. Even now. So maybe I was a little mad at God. But maybe it was also that I just felt like I couldn't trust Him anymore. Because at that point I didn't see how things could get better. I couldn't see how anything good would come from it. When you get that low you can't see past tomorrow. I can now, but not then. I just didn't understand how He could allow her to go through that. How He could sit back and watch His child suffer so. But I guess He knows what He's doing huh? Of course he does...but I can't see it, so it's hard to trust Him. I felt like He was letting me down, and He was letting her down. I mean if I love her this much and it kills me to see it, then how can the God of the universe watch His very own creation go through that. But then again He is the God of the universe right? He watched his Son die. Why wouldn't he be able to watch others suffer. Even if He does love them...He can see all the puzzle pieces, I can only see this one. This little one that holds my little world. What do I know? But I still felt let down. I was too hurt to see anything else. So I pushed Him away...just like I do everyone else. And I can say now that that is the dumbest move a person can make. And even though He gave me so many oppurtunities to just stop and let it out and talk to Him, I couldn't. No matter what I did or how bad I felt, I just couldn't bring myself to slow down and do it. Instead I tried to go faster. Tried to make sure I didn't have time to myself to stop and think. If I was alone, I asked someone to go do something. If it was quiet, I turned up the radio. Solitude and quiet I just wouldn't allow. Oh how stupid I was. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't open up to Him..it was like something was holding me down. Putting a hand over my mouth. Making me run faster. And if someone tried to talk to me about it, I quickly changed to subject. I became an expert at escaping. All I can say now is that I'm glad my God is a loving God who forgives no matter what. I'm not saying I'm completely over the feelings I had, because I'm not. But I'm not hiding from God anymore. And I still feel bad because I feel like I'm only surfacing while the weather's good...what happens if it turns stormy again? Will I be able to handle it, or will pull myself away again? I want to say I'm better now and that God and I are closer than ever, but that would be a lie. I want that to be true, but at this point it's not. But I'm working my way in that direction. I'm talking to Him. And just doing that feels so good. It's indescribable, but I'm still not satisfied. Things aren't back to normal, and even if they were I still wouldn't be happy. Because I want things to be better than good. I want to be able to lean on God and trust Him no matter what may be thrown my way. I want to be able to follow Him without thinking twice and be happy about what He's accomplishing through me. Now that might not ever happen, but it's a goal. And with God anything is possible right?

Ok, so a blog just to catch up because I haven't written in a while turned into me spilling my guts to the world (or just the few who actually read my blog). Not what I intended on writing about but....oh well? I could copy it to myspace and make it private...but then I just make friends mad and I just finished saying how blessed I am to have them right? So let's not tick them off....

new body

Can I get you anything else? A new body...I wish I could give her that. I wish I could do something to ease her pain. Anything. But I can't. I'd give anything to be able to. And when she asks for that so seriously, no hint of joking in her face. Not in her eyes...because they are closed. Too heavy to even hold open. And she asks for water...she takes a long time drinking it. I thought that would mean she was actually doing better and holding it down. Usually she can only drink a few sips...but then she gives it back to me. It looks as if she drank two drops. How can a person survive on that. Drops of water and the miniscule amount of boost that stays in her stomach after she throws it up even after putting it through the feeding tube. I just don't get it. But it should be uphill from here right? Right......

Thanksgiving

So today was Thanksgiving...but this one was different. The smell of food makes my mom sick and she can't eat so we didn't do anything here. I went to Josh's and it was pretty good...just not what I wanted. Brent and I stayed the night there last night and went with Matt to his aunt's house for breakfast in Coppell. It was alright but we didn't know anyone there. Josh had to work till about 2. So there were only 4 of us kids there for dinner...we were missing 6 people. It's not really Thanksgiving without family. But I guess it was better than nothing. I can't complain.
It makes me worried about Christmas. Mom should be done with treatments by then but they said it can still affect her for a good while after. She asked Sheri to take her to Kohls in the morning for some big sale...but I don't know how much she'll be able to take. My mom said she will be doing a lot of catalog shopping this year. It's tradition for us to put up our tree the day after Thanksgiving...but we can't because the smell would make her sick. That means no tree, no decorating, no cheese balls and punch. Traditions...Hmph. Well I made it through one holiday...I guess I can make it through another. But this one's over and I'm going to bed cause I have a tournament tomorrow! Bah.

Dreading Each Day

Geeze it's been a while. Just so busy I guess.
So some things are going better lately. Things with friends are better. I've gotten closer to some and fixed things between others. And still others are complicated and frustrating. But overall...they're ok.
The biggest thing right now is stuff with my mom. Whoa. Big shocker. All of it is just so hard. It's hard to watch her everyday. It's hard to see how tired she is and how she can't eat anything and how even when she puts it through her feeding tube she still throws it up. And there's nothing I can do to comfort her or make it better. That's the hardest part. Having to just sit back and watch it all. I can't help her. I can't make things easier for her. She wants to quit. She wants to give it up. And that pains me more than anything. I would hate myself if she quit...of course they won't let her but still. I'm angry at myself just for the fact that she wanted to quit. If I would have just let him sit in the car dirty none of it would have happened. It's just a car. I can clean it later. That's nothing in comparison to the way it made her feel. I did that. I caused it. Just because I was being selfish and stingy.
But at the same time I am angry at her. Maybe that's wrong but I can't help it. How could you want to give up? That's not only giving up on yourself. That's giving up on us. We need you and you can't do that. And I am so mad at you for still working. I never see you. You give work all the energy you have. By the time I get home you are asleep. It's not fair to give them the good part of your day. Give it to us. We are the ones who love you. We are the ones who need you. Not for you to do things or to help us or anything like that. We just need to see you. But I guess that doesn't matter anymore. She hasn't gone to work this week. She's been too sick. I don't know if she'll be able to work anymore...and that's even scarier.
I'm not looking forward to these holidays at all. Sure, I want the time off from school to just relax and do whatever. But I don't want to actual holidays. I don't want Thanksgiving. I don't want Christmas. They won't be holidays. The smell of food makes her sick. How can we have a holiday and have food and be together? She's too sick to go shopping. That means no presents. And it's not the presents that I want. I want the family sitting around the tree together opening gifts and seeing everyone together. But that probably won't happen. And what's even more frustrating is that I can't say "oh well, there's always next year." Yeah there is next year. But this is my last year actually living at home. Sure I'll be back for the holidays but I won't be living here and it just won't be the same. This is the last time while living at home and it's not even going to feel like the holidays. My mom would've already been buying Christmas gifts by now. She would already be wrapping them. She would have candles out that smelled like fall and winter and just make you feel good. But they're not out. Partly because Easton wants to drink them..and partly because the smell would make her sick. Maybe I'm being selfish again. Mabye none of this should matter at all. But it does to me. And I can't help but get mad at all of it. Will she even be able to go on the annual after Christmas trip the family takes? We started that when her own brother was dying from cancer. It was really the last time for all the family to be together with him. It became tradition. But if she doesn't go I'm not either. It just wouldn't be right. I don't want this holiday break. I don't want the next one. I want to skip over them and keep on moving. And then I feel selfish again. Atleast she's still here for these holidays. Ashlie's mom's not. I'm lucky..but yet I feel so unlucky. And feeling this way makes me feel even worse. And I feel bad because she used to get out of bed and yell at me for still being on the computer this late. But she's so tired she doesn't even hear me typing anymore. She never even knows.
So here's the blog you've been waiting for...just one big old pity party. Hmph. I don't like this at all.

Conspiracy

"Explain to me, this conspiracy against me." Why have these lyrics just popped into my head? And why do they seem to have this truth behind them lately? Things are frustrating me a lot. I just don't understand things. Why people are the way they are. Do you not want anything good for me? Am I not allowed to have any other friends besides you? Even though you really aren't a very good one? And I want to say something to you so badly...but I know that no good would come of it. And I hate how I keep getting blamed for everything. It's not my fault. When he told me did he not expect that things would be a little awkward? Did he think nothing would change? Last time it didn't so much, but that's because he was here and I saw him all the time. This time it's different. He is an hr away and I never see him...so I'm sorry if I don't talk to him as much as I used to. I'm sorry that things change. I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

Someone shoot me please. The thing that's saddest to me is that I'm getting so used to disappointment that this didn't bother me quite as much as it would've not long ago. It's like things going wrong is expected. Like that's what I plan on happening everytime something starts out pretty good. I know in the back of my mind that it won't last long and I subconsiously prepare myself for it before it ever happens. I'm not saying it doesn't still suck really bad and that it doesn't bother me at all. Just not as bad as it would have just a couple of months ago. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be.

I was getting over and past a lot of things. I was ok with not really having any friends here because I will be going to Tarleton next yr and I have my friends there. But now I'm not so sure. Do I really have any real friends anywhere? Well I know not in high school. And I know not at Tarleton. But I guess I've got some. Too bad I'll be leaving them next yr...this blows.

I wish that I could say it's ok and everything will turn out fine. But I can't. I thought I had everything planned out for next yr. But I don't. I don't know how things will go. I don't know if things will work. I know they won't if things keep going like this. I can't live with you if you are going to act like this. But honestly, I'm not too worried about that. I can make it on my own. I can live on my own. I've made it this far without you, so what makes you think I need you. I don't. So no, I never said this about him. You read it wrong. But I'm saying it about you now. You are just too full of yourself. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of you thinking everything is about you. It's not. Life's not about you. So get over it.

On a different note....I've been feeling bad about some things lately. Like how I really don't spend that much time with my mom. I mean it's just really hard. I'm always at school or practice or church. And when I'm home all she does is sleep...or watch tv while falling asleep. So I don't know how I can really spend time with her. I hate this. It sucks.

Love (just because I'm being forced)

I love autumn

I love basketball season and the feelings it brings

I love my mom's cooking

I love Sunday lunches that cook in the oven for hours

I love sleeping in my parent's bed

I love how even though it's no different, it just feels so much better

I love forts made from sheets, chairs, and fans

I love learning how to land your first flip on the trampoline

I love my purple koala bear bicycle

I love electric blankets

I love reading in my bed covered with blankets

I love the smells of fall

I love falling asleep on my mom's lap in the church pew

I love picnics down by the creek

I love walking through open fields

I love thunderstorms (as long as they don't make my house leak)

I love getting rides on the dirtbike out at the farm

I love the toy box at Pappy's house

I love bike rides

I love playing in the rain

I love exploring the creek and catching tiny frogs

I love playing football in the yard with my brothers

I love little neighbor kids that come over just to jump on your trampoline

I love how they were never allowed inside because dad was sleeping

I love playing cops and robbers

I love checking to see if the chickens laid any eggs that day

I love playing school and being the teacher

I love roasting marshmallows

I love baking cookies

I love when everyone comes out for Christmas Eve and stays through Christmas Day

I love decorating the tree

I love eating cheese balls and drinking mom's special punch

I love picking out which gift to open on Christmas Eve

I love getting to lick the bowl

I love watching mom do the twist on the kitchen floor

I love the oldies she always played while sewing

I love cattle sales and the way you always come out smelling worse than the cows

I love Easter at Grannan's house

I love making a pillow wall because you're scared something's going to get you

I love believing that the pillows will actually protect you

I love believing all the crazy things my brothers told me

I love telling my little brother things and him actually believing me

I love singing along to Barney because I still know all the words

I love sitting on the feed car under the shade tree

I love Lion King and Pocahontas shirts

I love running races where everyone has jingle bells on their shoes

I love long hot baths

I love passing out hymnals to the little old ladies at the nursing home

I love how the old ladies think you are the cutest thing they've ever seen

I love quotes that just seem to fit

I love story time at the library

I love VBS

I love the jingle jangle jamboree

I love playing in the little bit of snow we get around here

I love hoodies

I love camping not too far away from my house

I love carrying in my dad's vest for him when he gets home

I love getting his radio for him when he's about to leave

I love singing as loud as I want in the car

I love driving by myself and just listening to the radio

I love songs that remind you of specific times in your life

I love my Christina Aguilera CD

I love old photo albums

I love my mom's teddy bear necklace

I love going to Dairy Twin for ice cream after every basketball game

I love coaches that don't get mad at you

I love Brent biting the dog and getting a mouth full of fur because it bit him first

I love the old farm truck

I love playing hide and seek and never getting found

I love drawing just cause I'm in the mood to

I love coloring books

I love my angel

I love sunflower bear and how someone pulled her out once again

I love my Beauty and the Beast book from Grannan

I love staying at her house and making foil picture things

I love the way she sent me a Valentine

I love cousins who let you play with them even though you're really too young

I love swingsets

I love old houses

I love buying crafts to do together

I love trying to learn how to crochet

I love drawing pictures on fabric and then sewing them

I love wood stoves that heat up entire houses

I love playing on organs and messing with all the different sounds

I love crawling under the house

I love massages

I love going through old things

I love children's choir

I love the smell of the air conditioner when you first turn it on

I love playing on the trampoline with the water hose

I love how I always manage to burn no matter how much sunscreen I have on

I love rocking chairs

I love writing private blogs that no one can read

I love having an older and wiser best friend

I love how she's always there for me

I love Phyllis's cinnamon rolls shaped into Christmas symbols

I love candy cane shakes

I love Heather coming down and calling me first thing to come over

I love doing crafts at Dee's house with her

I love going to girl scout day camp when I'm not even a girl scout

I love Halloween candy

I love coming home and trading what we got

I love arguing over who gets to dye the next Easter egg

I love coloring the face on the pumpkin because mom says it will last longer this way

I love playing gin rummy with Carlos

I love others faces after you do something for them

I love grocery shopping with my mom on Saturdays before everyone else is up

I love how Byron still calls me a boy to this day

I love wearing t-shirts

I love optimistic people trying to change my pessimistic ways

I love people who are just too nice

I love scrapbooks and the memories they bring back

I love taking pictures

I love making Christmas lists of things I know I won't get

I love yummy smelling candles

I love God and how He's always there

I love putting on clothes straight from the dryer

I love the friends who are really there for you

I love watching other people's fireworks from the trampoline

I love the feeling you get during a race

I love knowing you did something right

I love antique shopping

I love that half the things I see I have at my house already

I love Mickey Mud Turtle

I love looking through my mom's things

I love running to mom when I have a nightmare

I love going to her and pretending I had one just so I can sleep in her bed

I love random notes of encouragement

I love Bible verses that hit you right in the head

I love taking naps on Sunday afternoons

I love how this is so long

I love Erika and Darbi for making me do this

I love how this is probably not what they meant

I love how I don't really care!

hate

It's amazing how many people I hate these days. I know it's not healthy or even right to hate people as much as I do these select few, but I just can't help it. How can you people do the things you do? How could I have been so naive and not seen it before? Why are you tearing things apart? Why are there so few people in this world that I can stand? Seriously...some days I wonder if maybe I'm the one who's got the problem. Because how come I always find things wrong with everyone else. Isn't it more likely that it's just me? Things are just so frustrating right now.

I hate how people tell you they will be there for you and abandon you. Time and time again it happens and time and time again someone is hurt because of it. I hate how all of a sudden when everything comes out I have such a hatred for you and what you did. Look what you did to him. And I honestly see it as your fault. I always wondered what caused it and now I've finally gotten my answer. But now I wish I never knew. I don't want to hate you, but I do. And even more so for everything that you are fixing to cause, whether or not you really planned for it to go this way.

I hate how I'm fine when I don't see you. I hate how I can just look past it and pretend like it's ok and it doesn't matter anymore. And then every single time I see you I feel this hatred grow inside of me. How can I hate someone this much? How could you do what you did? How can you be so selfish and self-centered and such a coward? I hate you so much and I wish I never had to see you again.

I hate how people can be so incredibly selfish. They can see what needs to be done but leave it for someone else. They only want to do it if someone sees that they are. I know I'm not perfect and I like to be praised for what I do, who doesn't? But I do do things sometimes just because I know I should and that it shouldn't matter if anyone notices. Because it shouldn't. But you are too self-centered and lazy to do anything and I hate you for it.

I seem to be on a hate rampage and I know that it's probably wrong to say all of this. But it's honestly how I feel. But I never said that I didn't love some of these people too. Because some of them I do, but I hate them at the same time. Trust me, it's possible. But I'm not finished yet. I'm not done ranting and raving about the things and people that I hate. There's one more person who's yet to make the list.

I hate how frustrated you always get. I hate how you get so angry and you mostly just keep it inside and don't let it out. I hate how it's come to the point that you really don't have anyone you can trust. Only one. I hate how your life seems to be crashing down around you. I hate how you are so weak and you can't go long without crying. I hate that all you do is complain when someone has to have it worse than you. I hate how you can't just figure out what you want to do with your life. I hate how you can't just be satisfied with life. I hate that you feel so alone most of the time. I hate the mistakes you've made and how you really haven't learned much from them. I hate that no matter how hard you try nothing ever goes right in your eyes. I hate how you are starting to just let everything go. I hate that you are so ready to get away yet you are too terrified to leave. But most of all, I hate that no matter what happens, you can never just be happy.