Things I Love

I don't know how to make it bigger!!

cancer

Cancer.

Raging through the body

Having no mercy

No shame

Taking all it can

Living unseen

Leaving a path of destruction

Fighting a battle

Good against evil

Where does it stop?

When is it content?

Not until the end.

Not until it’s taken everything you have.

Your hopes

Your dreams

Your life

Scattering them all like ashes in the wind

But it’s not over

This body is temporary

It can’t touch the soul.

It can’t take your faith.

You will live on

Wide Wide World

I wanted to be safe

I wanted to get by

I almost lost my edge

I could not fathom why

But You would never let me

Your dangerous side won out

Cause You knew what I wanted

I wanted to get out

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It's a wide wide world

And I almost lost You in it

It's a chance to live

But it almost passed me by

It's an open door

To live for something better

Cause You keep leading me

Into the wide wide world

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Did Moses want to turn back

After crossing the Red Sea?

I bet that he got nervous

I wish that I could see

Cause I've got the shakes all over

And I want to turn around

But I'm twice as scared of missing

The good that can be found

----------

Cause You are past the borders

Somewhere off the map

Of what feels comfortable

And I am so grateful for that

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It's adventure that we want

And it's what we'll finally get

There's nothing safe about You

But sometimes I forget

So lead me into the wide world

Don't let me miss my chance

Cause I'll blink and it'll be over

And I won't pass here again

One More Time

I was just thinking today about my last outing with my mom. I used to always go grocery shopping with her on Saturday mornings. The last time she's been out of the house (other than to the doctor and Easton's birthday party), was the day after she started her new chemo. We did the usual Walmart shopping that day and ate at Arby's, but we also went a few other places. Nowhere important, just places that the two of us enjoyed going. We went to Half-Price books and Hobby Lobby. Since we got home that day, she's been too tired to leave the house. I miss the days when we would go into a book store and both leave with arms full of books. I loved going to craft stores with her too, even though she always took way longer than I would've liked. If I could have one more outing with her, I wouldn't care how long she took looking at buttons or deciding which color thread matched the best. I wouldn't try to rush her or complain that I was hungry. I just want one more time...

My Rock

I'm feeling a little insignificant tonight. I've been looking at photos from a friend's mission trip and just thinking...what am I doing with my life? Have I done anything of importance? Am I really living for God? I want something else. I NEED something more. I don't want to live a mediocre life. I want to live my life without regretting all the wasted time...

It's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. The person God wants me to be. I go through each day worried about the future and all the things that I've got going on. Why can't I just slow down? I need to learn to enjoy what I have right here, right now. I'm so worried about everything changing that I'm not living with what I've got now. Life is going to change. So what? You get over it. You move on. Why do I struggle with that so much these days...

I've been stressing over not having anything or anyone to hold onto once all these changes occur. But then it hit me. I don't need anyone. I've got GOD. What could be better than that? So what if everything else seems to fall apart. He'll still be standing there. He'll still be holding my hand. I don't need anything more....He's my all. He's my Rock. That's never going to change. That's all I need.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14

Holding On

It's been a tough day and I can't sleep. I'm still not really sure why I even write these blogs...they make me feel better somehow. I'm kind of in a "I'm losing everyone I care about" mood lately. I really just don't understand life right now or where I'm headed. I watched Cason this morning at my house cause I figured my mom would enjoy seeing him. She did enjoy it, but it just got me to thinking...she will never play with my babies. She'll never see me taking care of mine-feeding them, changing diapers, putting them to sleep...all that good stuff. She won't be there when I have questions about what I should do or what she did with us. I started to wonder if maybe she was thinking the same thing....
Amber fixed my mom's slowly growing hair and did her makeup for Easton's party. Everyone's been saying how she's been looking better lately, and I guess I started to believe it a little. But just getting dressed for the party made her tired today. The party was just next door and she was worn out before we ever got there and had to sit down with me carrying all her tubing. Carrying around an oxygen tank and a vacuum pump isn't the most fun thing in the world....you could see the way everyone looked at her. Staring at how small and frail she is now. How tired she looked. It was weird to see her anywhere but home. All she kept saying was, "When is he gonna open presents?" She just wanted to go home...so I found Amber and told her it was time. He opened them, we left, she went to bed....
Lately I've been having trouble remembering what she was like before she got sick. I see pictures and they don't look like her, but the way she is now isn't her either. I don't know what memory of my mother to try to hold onto. If I can't even remember what she was like before, how am I going to remember everything when she's gone? I'm afraid I'll forget. I'm afraid I won't remember how she moves, how she talks, how she looks. How do you hold onto it all? I've already forgotten how she used to be...I don't want to forget anymore. I don't know how to hold on...
I'm not sure how much time I have left with her. I find myself trying to balance time between a mother that I'm going to lose permanently, and a best friend who's moving half way across the world. I want to spend as much time with each of them as I can...it's just been so hard. I know how much time I have left with one, and the other is unpredictable. I'm not liking so much change....
I've been trying so hard to just trust in God. I know He's got a plan. I know He sees things that I can't and never will. I know all this in my head...it's just hard to see it sometimes when you feel like your whole world is being flipped around. I've given up things and changed what I believe He wanted me to. I'm trying my best and I know that He's blessed me for it. But I still have trouble understanding everything that's going on around me. I know He won't give me more than I can handle...but at the same time I feel like He has. I'm not strong enough on my own. Maybe He's wanting me to depend on Him a little more. I guess I'll just have to keep holding on and wait for this storm to be over.....God, please make it soon.

Lost

So I'm kinda lost right now... I thought I was getting things pretty planned out. I was getting so excited about the chance to go to tanzania, but I just don't know if I can do it. If I go, those 2 weeks will be amazing I know. But I will never be able to get them back. And I don't know if I'll be able to live with that. I thought the whole point of spacing out the chemo was so she wouldn't be so sick all the time, but she already can't get out of bed. I don't even know if she'll be able to make it to her radiation treatment today. It's really frustrating because I feel like I'm finally getting to the age where we can grow closer, only to realize that may never happen. I guess I just didn't expect it to all go downhill so quickly this time. I'm caught a little off guard. I missed my exit this morning just because I was too busy thinking about giving my passport money back. I don't want to see her go through all this again. She doesn't deserve it. If I go and she doesn't start feeling better, who will do things around the house? No one else is helping now so why would they then. The only way I get them to help is by bribing them or asking them when people are over so that they do it to make themselves look good. Can no one see how selfish they're being? I know they're hurting too, but I don't understand how they can say things and then act the way they do...If you love her you'll help. Don't say you want to spend more time with her and then never come home. Ugh...