catching up

Wow...so it's been over a month since I've blogged on here! Crazy. Just nothing too exciting to write about I guess...but I guess I can find something to talk about.

Hmm...I'm learning even more each day just how blessed I am when it comes to friends. God has given me some pretty great ones that I know I could count on for just about anything, if only I chose to. Each one is different and amazing in their own way. Yet there are others I wish I could be closer too again....but beggars can't be choosers. It's actually kinda crazy to me because I'm not the type of person who had a lot of friends their whole life. I've always been kind of a loner and kept to myself. Sure, I'd talk to plenty of people at school, but never outside. I never went and hung out with friends like other kids did. Now I find myself surrounded with friends. It's pretty crazy for me to think about. At times I feel like I'm not a good enough friend to them...not like they are to me. I really don't deserve them.

I'm also learning each day just how much I need God. It seems I always put Him to the test and see how far I can push it before something happens. For the first time in my life I went atleast 2 months without talking to Him. It's not that I "wasn't speaking to Him," I just didn't ever talk to Him. I still went to church, I still acted fine, but I quit reading and praying and pretty much just gave it up. I'm still not completely sure why I did. I'm still trying to work through it and figure out what I'm feeling exactly. In a way I feel like I was mad at Him, but at the same time I wasn't. I'm sure that's what people would think and although they would tell me I shouldn't be they would also understand why I would be. But I'm not so sure that's it. I guess that's part of it. I mean I watched my mother grow progressively worse every single day. I honestly don't think any of my friends saw her at her worst. They were never around at that time. And when they were she was sleeping. If they had, they might have been able to atleast get a little grip on what I was feeling. But they didn't, and they can't. Even now. So maybe I was a little mad at God. But maybe it was also that I just felt like I couldn't trust Him anymore. Because at that point I didn't see how things could get better. I couldn't see how anything good would come from it. When you get that low you can't see past tomorrow. I can now, but not then. I just didn't understand how He could allow her to go through that. How He could sit back and watch His child suffer so. But I guess He knows what He's doing huh? Of course he does...but I can't see it, so it's hard to trust Him. I felt like He was letting me down, and He was letting her down. I mean if I love her this much and it kills me to see it, then how can the God of the universe watch His very own creation go through that. But then again He is the God of the universe right? He watched his Son die. Why wouldn't he be able to watch others suffer. Even if He does love them...He can see all the puzzle pieces, I can only see this one. This little one that holds my little world. What do I know? But I still felt let down. I was too hurt to see anything else. So I pushed Him away...just like I do everyone else. And I can say now that that is the dumbest move a person can make. And even though He gave me so many oppurtunities to just stop and let it out and talk to Him, I couldn't. No matter what I did or how bad I felt, I just couldn't bring myself to slow down and do it. Instead I tried to go faster. Tried to make sure I didn't have time to myself to stop and think. If I was alone, I asked someone to go do something. If it was quiet, I turned up the radio. Solitude and quiet I just wouldn't allow. Oh how stupid I was. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't open up to Him..it was like something was holding me down. Putting a hand over my mouth. Making me run faster. And if someone tried to talk to me about it, I quickly changed to subject. I became an expert at escaping. All I can say now is that I'm glad my God is a loving God who forgives no matter what. I'm not saying I'm completely over the feelings I had, because I'm not. But I'm not hiding from God anymore. And I still feel bad because I feel like I'm only surfacing while the weather's good...what happens if it turns stormy again? Will I be able to handle it, or will pull myself away again? I want to say I'm better now and that God and I are closer than ever, but that would be a lie. I want that to be true, but at this point it's not. But I'm working my way in that direction. I'm talking to Him. And just doing that feels so good. It's indescribable, but I'm still not satisfied. Things aren't back to normal, and even if they were I still wouldn't be happy. Because I want things to be better than good. I want to be able to lean on God and trust Him no matter what may be thrown my way. I want to be able to follow Him without thinking twice and be happy about what He's accomplishing through me. Now that might not ever happen, but it's a goal. And with God anything is possible right?

Ok, so a blog just to catch up because I haven't written in a while turned into me spilling my guts to the world (or just the few who actually read my blog). Not what I intended on writing about but....oh well? I could copy it to myspace and make it private...but then I just make friends mad and I just finished saying how blessed I am to have them right? So let's not tick them off....