trust

So I'm bored...and just felt like writing. I've been thinking a lot about some things and just wanted to sort through it all I guess. Lately I've been thinking a lot about how quickly things change, or can change. You just never know what is going to happen to you or those around you. I've never thought too much into it before, and honestly it scares me. Things can change in an instant and your whole life can be changed, for the better or for worse. Nothing and no one is safe. Maybe change scares me so much because I've lived in a fairly small town (although it's growing) my entire life. I've lived in the same house and gone to the same school district for 18 years. Change has just never been my thing. It upsets me easily and I guess a lot of people don't understand that. Maybe I'm just emotional...I don't know. Most have been through a lot of changes, but even the small things get me. It's a little frustrating at times. I'm realizing everyday just how much closer I am to a lot of things changing and although I'm ready (to an extent), I'm also slightly worried...ok, maybe more than slightly. I'm ready to see what I can do out there away from the things I've been accustomed to my whole life, but I also want everything to stay the same. But then when I think about it not much in my life has been constant except for the fact that I've lived in the same place with the same parents and gone to the same school. Over the years the people I have hung around with have varied, the people I've lived with have changed, and my thoughts about a lot of things have just been altered. In my own personal opinion, I've changed a lot over the past year or two. And at times I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad one. I guess some is good, and some isn't so good. And who knows how I'll change next year...it's just go me to thinking. Next year I'll be with some of my good friends, but I'll also be leaving some others. I know I won't talk to anyone from high school once I'm gone cause I don't talk to any of them outside of school now. All my friends are older than me. But some of them are getting married soon. Others are moving halfway across the world. And if that's not a big change then I don't know what is. Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy for all my friends and anything good they've got going for them...it's just going to be different. And hard. But God has a plan for everything right? And if you try your best to follow Him He will work everything out right? But it still scares me. I'm just not good with change...not good with losing people. But I guess I'm not really losing them, but it still won't be the same. And I know that some people think that I'm not talking to them...and not hanging around them. And I think that they may think it's because I've got a new person in my life that I have been spending a lot of time with. But that's not really the reason. Because honestly, I'm not talking to him either. He gets mad at me too. The real reason, I'm trying to distance myself to make it all easier. I'm not sure if that makes any sense...but to me it does. If I don't get close to people, if I don't let them in, then I can't get hurt. Or atleast it hurts a little less. And maybe that's selfish, now that I think about it I guess it's really selfish, but I don't know what else to do. I'm just trying to make things easier....that's why I'm not letting him in either. Yeah, I still spend a lot of time with him, but I won't talk to him like he wants me to. I'm afraid to let him in because you never know what is going to happen. Things change too quickly in this life. How do I know how long he'll be here? I don't. So I don't want to get too close....and again I feel that I'm being selfish. That's not fair at all. Not to anyone. You know, that's why I like writing these blogs. It helps me to sort through everything. I didn't even think about the fact that I was being selfish until now...but at the same time I still don't want to give in. To anyone. This is pretty frustrating....Idk. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want people to think I'm just pushing them away. I don't want to push them away...but I don't know how else to handle it. I guess this just all has to do with my problem with change. I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that I'm terrified of change. And terrified of getting hurt...but if you don't get too close you can't get hurt. And maybe if I back away now from those I have let in some, then it will hurt atleast a little less. Maybe my thinking process is just all screwed up...hmph. It's just that you never know what can happen. I know I already said this and I think I'm just repeating myself on a lot of things but I'm just thinking and writing down my thoughts so I don't care. How do I know someone around me won't get deathly ill? Won't die in a car wreck? Won't move away? Won't just decide they've got better friends? Won't decide they don't need me? I don't. So it's not safe to get too close. Not for anyone. No one is safe. And who's to say if you do let them in they won't just think you're crazy? Maybe if you let them in they will decide they don't like what they see? Then what have you got? Nothing. Maybe I'm just thinking way too much into everything....but this is what I do. I always go through the "what if's". What if something happens? My mind just wanders too much I guess...but I can't help it. And I'm tired of people making promises they can't keep. Don't tell me always...you can't know that. You can't make that promise. Not one of you. So please don't. It just upsets me more. But then again I'm just a little too emotional and too analytical....Maybe what I'm really afraid of is trust. I just don't know how to trust anyone completely...not even my closest of friends. Trust sucks. Hmph. This thinking is getting me nowhere. All it did was make me more frustrated with myself....