Dreading Each Day

Geeze it's been a while. Just so busy I guess.
So some things are going better lately. Things with friends are better. I've gotten closer to some and fixed things between others. And still others are complicated and frustrating. But overall...they're ok.
The biggest thing right now is stuff with my mom. Whoa. Big shocker. All of it is just so hard. It's hard to watch her everyday. It's hard to see how tired she is and how she can't eat anything and how even when she puts it through her feeding tube she still throws it up. And there's nothing I can do to comfort her or make it better. That's the hardest part. Having to just sit back and watch it all. I can't help her. I can't make things easier for her. She wants to quit. She wants to give it up. And that pains me more than anything. I would hate myself if she quit...of course they won't let her but still. I'm angry at myself just for the fact that she wanted to quit. If I would have just let him sit in the car dirty none of it would have happened. It's just a car. I can clean it later. That's nothing in comparison to the way it made her feel. I did that. I caused it. Just because I was being selfish and stingy.
But at the same time I am angry at her. Maybe that's wrong but I can't help it. How could you want to give up? That's not only giving up on yourself. That's giving up on us. We need you and you can't do that. And I am so mad at you for still working. I never see you. You give work all the energy you have. By the time I get home you are asleep. It's not fair to give them the good part of your day. Give it to us. We are the ones who love you. We are the ones who need you. Not for you to do things or to help us or anything like that. We just need to see you. But I guess that doesn't matter anymore. She hasn't gone to work this week. She's been too sick. I don't know if she'll be able to work anymore...and that's even scarier.
I'm not looking forward to these holidays at all. Sure, I want the time off from school to just relax and do whatever. But I don't want to actual holidays. I don't want Thanksgiving. I don't want Christmas. They won't be holidays. The smell of food makes her sick. How can we have a holiday and have food and be together? She's too sick to go shopping. That means no presents. And it's not the presents that I want. I want the family sitting around the tree together opening gifts and seeing everyone together. But that probably won't happen. And what's even more frustrating is that I can't say "oh well, there's always next year." Yeah there is next year. But this is my last year actually living at home. Sure I'll be back for the holidays but I won't be living here and it just won't be the same. This is the last time while living at home and it's not even going to feel like the holidays. My mom would've already been buying Christmas gifts by now. She would already be wrapping them. She would have candles out that smelled like fall and winter and just make you feel good. But they're not out. Partly because Easton wants to drink them..and partly because the smell would make her sick. Maybe I'm being selfish again. Mabye none of this should matter at all. But it does to me. And I can't help but get mad at all of it. Will she even be able to go on the annual after Christmas trip the family takes? We started that when her own brother was dying from cancer. It was really the last time for all the family to be together with him. It became tradition. But if she doesn't go I'm not either. It just wouldn't be right. I don't want this holiday break. I don't want the next one. I want to skip over them and keep on moving. And then I feel selfish again. Atleast she's still here for these holidays. Ashlie's mom's not. I'm lucky..but yet I feel so unlucky. And feeling this way makes me feel even worse. And I feel bad because she used to get out of bed and yell at me for still being on the computer this late. But she's so tired she doesn't even hear me typing anymore. She never even knows.
So here's the blog you've been waiting for...just one big old pity party. Hmph. I don't like this at all.