That 6 Letter Word

So my mom got her results today....she has cancer. In a gland and a lymphnode in her neck by her ear. She says she can feel them growing daily. The doctors are going to try to remove it and if it's successful then that's it and it's done. But if it's spread or if they can't get it all then she will have to go through chemo and radiation. Sheri drove from austin and is staying through saturday. My mom said Josh cried when she called him and he had to pull over and called in to work. It's going to be really tough on everyone. She is the one who holds us all together.

I'm really scared. What if they can't get it all? What if I lose her like ashlie lost her mom? Why does God allow things like this? I mean she still has kids in high school. Kids who need their mother. Maybe I'm jumping ahead...but I was right about her having the cancer. It's just so hard to talk to God now. I just want to know why. Why God?? Why do things like this happen? I just don't understand. Phil. 4:13.....where's the peace? Maybe I don't understand but give me some kind of peace of mind. Please. Help me to be strong and to be supportive of her. To help her to know that it will all be ok. Please.

Faith

My mom's appointment is tomorrow. So is the first day of school. We won't get her results until wednesday though. Man I'm so scared. I swear I have no faith. It's just so hard to have any right now. Faith as small as a mustard seed is all it takes....but I feel like I don't even have that. I'm praying for it to be nothing...just an infection that can be cured with antibiotics. But I've been thinking...should I be praying for God to heal her or for His will to be done? What if it's His will for her to have cancer? Maybe it's all a part of His plan and something great will come out of it? But at the same time I just want Him to take care of her health. I know that Ashlie's mom dying brought some good. Like her getting saved. And maybe something good could come out of my mom's cancer (if she has it). But I just want her to be ok. I need her. Is that selfish? That I want my mom to be ok even if that's not God's plan? I just love her so much. I don't think I could stand to watch her go through treatments or to lose her. I'm afraid I would break. My dad talked to me the other night and asked if I knew everything that was going on. He said that he knows my friend lost her mom and he didn't even want to think about that. Then he started to cry. Seeing him cry tears me apart. The same as my mom crying over the phone did. I know she is worried. Doug said she's up in the morning and has already taken her shower at 4 or 5. She told him she just hasn't been able to sleep lately. Well neither have I. And I probably won't be able to until they tell me it's nothing more than a minor infection. My brother and his wife talked to us tonight. Said that we need to more around the house to help her out. And that if we need money just for little things occasionally to ask them rather than bothering my mom. Seeing everyone else so worried doesn't help me to have any faith at all. My dad cancelled his knee surgery because my mom is going to so many appointments. He is trying to take care of her first. When my dad called my brother Josh the other day he said Josh was crying so much he couldn't talk to him and had to just hang up. Wednesday is so far away. I don't know if the little bit of faith I have can hold out for that long.

Worry is Like a Rocking Chair

So I made my own blog! I decided I can just write things here rather than on myspace where everyone asks me why they're all private. No one I know will read this so I can write whatever! Yay! Well I'm Jessica and I live in Texas. I'm going to be a senior this year and I am sooo scared to graduate and start my life! I have no idea what I want to do! But I'm trying to trust God and know that He will show me the way. I just made this to be kind of like a journal....just a place to write down my thoughts. So here goes nothing!

So my mom has been going to a lot of doctor's appointments the past few weeks. Some days she has more than one. But the last one didn't go very well. The doctor thinks she may have cancer in a gland in her neck. He wants a test run to see for sure. They said it couldn't be scheduled for a week but he said that he wants it immediately. So the appointment is monday...my first day of my senior year. My best friend Ashlie lost her mom to cancer in march. She was diagnosed the first day of school our sophomore year. A little too coincidental for me. I'm not superstitious by any means....but this scares me a lot. What if she really has cancer? What will happen? She holds my family together. I've always been afraid that I would lose my parents while I was young since I am one of the youngest. I mean with my sister being 30 and my younger brother at 14, my parents are as old as some of my friends grandparents. But it was always just a fear. Now it could become a reality. Brent is only 14! We can't lose our mother. And what about college? I was considering going to Tech next year....but if she's diagnosed I don't know if I will want to move 4 hrs away. And I was planning on going overseas as a summer missionary right after I graduate...but that would probably change, too.
Maybe I'm jumping the gun here. I mean she hasn't been diagnosed yet. It's just the urgency of the doctor makes me believe that it just has to be. But then I feel like I'm not trusting God. I just feel so worried that I don't even want to talk to Him. I'm just so scared. More scared than I've ever been. Why can't I just have faith and trust Him? I mean Ashlie losing her mom is what ultimately got her to church and to get saved. But I'm afraid that if I ever lost mine I would run the opposite direction. So now I feel like I have absolutely no faith. It's just so hard. God, please let her be alright. Let it just be an infection like we all hope. She's in Your hands. Please take care of her.