Faith

My mom's appointment is tomorrow. So is the first day of school. We won't get her results until wednesday though. Man I'm so scared. I swear I have no faith. It's just so hard to have any right now. Faith as small as a mustard seed is all it takes....but I feel like I don't even have that. I'm praying for it to be nothing...just an infection that can be cured with antibiotics. But I've been thinking...should I be praying for God to heal her or for His will to be done? What if it's His will for her to have cancer? Maybe it's all a part of His plan and something great will come out of it? But at the same time I just want Him to take care of her health. I know that Ashlie's mom dying brought some good. Like her getting saved. And maybe something good could come out of my mom's cancer (if she has it). But I just want her to be ok. I need her. Is that selfish? That I want my mom to be ok even if that's not God's plan? I just love her so much. I don't think I could stand to watch her go through treatments or to lose her. I'm afraid I would break. My dad talked to me the other night and asked if I knew everything that was going on. He said that he knows my friend lost her mom and he didn't even want to think about that. Then he started to cry. Seeing him cry tears me apart. The same as my mom crying over the phone did. I know she is worried. Doug said she's up in the morning and has already taken her shower at 4 or 5. She told him she just hasn't been able to sleep lately. Well neither have I. And I probably won't be able to until they tell me it's nothing more than a minor infection. My brother and his wife talked to us tonight. Said that we need to more around the house to help her out. And that if we need money just for little things occasionally to ask them rather than bothering my mom. Seeing everyone else so worried doesn't help me to have any faith at all. My dad cancelled his knee surgery because my mom is going to so many appointments. He is trying to take care of her first. When my dad called my brother Josh the other day he said Josh was crying so much he couldn't talk to him and had to just hang up. Wednesday is so far away. I don't know if the little bit of faith I have can hold out for that long.