Frustration

So Coco came over for a little bit last night, then we went to her house cause she has movie channels and we were bored. I stayed the night and went with her and her parents to the grapevine mills mall, mardels, and mercado juarez. Then I went home...but I was only there for about an hour before I went back to Coco's. That's where I am now.

When I went home Phyllis was there to see my mom. I was in my room and Amber came in and yelled at me for not drying and putting up the dishes last night. I said I forgot cause Coco came over...which I did. And she said, "Well I don't care. I made Brent wash them so that makes me look bad." I snapped. I told her that she could just be quiet because she always makes us do it but never does anything herself. I told her I come home from school everyday and wash the dishes and do the laundry. And if the trash is full, I burn that too. She said she does that on her days off. I told her I do just as much as she does around here so she could quit yelling at me all the time and get out of my room. I told her she's not my mother and that she has no right to tell me what I need to do and that mom leaves them to dry by themselves anyway then puts them up later. I watch her kid half the time and help with whatever my mother asks me to plus some. She said that she does help and she pays my mom and buys groceries. Well duh! You're supposed to pay rent! And you should buy groceries! You eat all the food! You're an adult! I said I'm still young, I don't have to do that! She was like well Jacob doesn't help or pay rent. That's not me! She said that I don't have to watch Easton. I told her that when I ask her to get him out of my room cause I'm trying to do homework she leaves him there. Always tells me to keep an eye on him. And she got all mad and said, "Well that won't be a problem anymore. You don't have to watch him." I told her to get out of my room and leave me alone. She just kept saying no and telling me loads of crap that really pissed me off. When she finally left she came back without knocking and said "You know what? I may not be your mother, but you walk all over her the same way." You have no idea how badly I wanted to punch her in the face. And she has the nerve to ask me if I even realize what is going on with my mother. I'm not stupid! And she is the one who walks all over her and has her watch Easton for nothing! Are you freaking kidding me!? I walk all over her!? I told her she is never there and doesn't know what I do and what I don't. She has no freaking right! If my mom asks me to do something I do it! I'm not perfect, but out of everyone in my family I am probably the one that helps the most! Who goes by and sees her after school to take her a cherry dr pepper? The one thing that makes her feel better on her bad days. She said herself that some turn to alcohol but that's her fix. Who comes home after running her butt off in athletics only to fix things up before my mom gets home? Who tries to use her own money to pay for books, classes, trips, and everything else? It's not my fault that my mom has a good memory and sometimes remembers and won't let me pay. And who talked to her old boss tonight about getting her job back to be able to help out more? I hate her. I flat out can't stand her. I packed up my stuff and left. I'm staying at Coco's again tonight.

So anyone else want to make the observation that all of this will bring my family together? Anyone?? I am at my breaking point. Don't tell me what to do. Don't tell me you know what it's like to lose a mother if you lost her when you were in your thirties. And I haven't lost her yet! She's still here! And Don't act like you know what my relationship with my mother is.

The sad thing is, I actually was happy for a little while today. The first real happiness I've felt in two weeks. I actually thought that maybe I should try to talk to God again. I haven't really talked to him since I found out. I just can't. I was happy and decided I needed to just try to trust Him. But then I snapped. I can't trust you. I feel like you've let me down. Nothing goes right. What did she do to deserve this? What?! I am beyond words to say how I feel right now. I don't even know how to describe my mood. And I've lost all hope of there being anyone I can really turn to. Just to a place where I can write down words that have no meaning. And what good does that do? It just gets me even more upset and angry and just AH! I just can't do this. I don't even want to go home. I feel like I can't. I feel like I have no home. There is nowhere safe where I can go. Nowhere that is my own. Where I can be alone. Where I can be happy. Everything is crashing down and there is nothing I can do to stop it.